Talented, Good People Fail

One of the areas I excel in is listening. Yet my ability to focus for lengths of time has been weak, and my desire to please is high. What this creates at times is a wandering state of paying attention while smiling to encourage the speaker in continuing, leading me further and further out of touch.

Talented, good people fail. As my listening skills have led me to great opportunities, my focus and thinking skills have often held me back. What I know today is, while I have created a comfort zone of barrier patterns that hold me back, I have since learned to break down those patterns for one particular reason: to speak and behave with confidence.

Good people fail. And because I vowed in the year 2000 to help those, who like me, want to feel better about themselves at the end of the day, my purposeful focus is to help good, talented people get back on track.

Although I work with many attorneys, attorney or not, here are their similarities: they are highly valued employees, they are succeeding in their positions but clearly could be more effective in them, and/or they are being groomed for positions at the very highest levels. Helping people achieve speaking confidence is the key to helping people work to their highest potential.

Do they need to listen better? Be more aggressive? Talk less? Be more direct? Own up to their mistakes? Business psychologists James Waldroop and Timothy Butler (The 12 Bad Habits That Hold Good People Back, published 2000) understand these skills as key to developing behavior patterns that work for us. They also know which ones hold us back. These emotional triggers are listed below:

1. Never Feeling Good Enough
2. Seeing the World in Black and White
3. Doing Too Much, Pushing Too Hard
4. Avoiding Conflict at all Cost
5. Running Roughshod over the Opposition
6. Rebel Looking for a Cause
7. Always Swinging for the Fence
8. When Fear is in the Driver's Seat
9. Emotionally Tone Deaf
10. When No Job is Good Enough
11. Lacking a Sense of Boundaries
12. Losing the Path

Although it's more inspiring to focus on our strengths, without focusing on the patterns that hold us back we prohibit our development. If I want to improve in my ability to exercise routinely, I may set a goal to go to the gym 3 times weekly. Yet if the pattern that holds me back is Never Feeling Good Enough, I may start to question why I am even attempting the goal. Soon, I will slide from 3 times to 2 times, and then I will eventually give up.

My efforts at development are a sign of my "good person" status, yet I will fail until I understand AND break down the barrier patterns that hold me back.

What I tell myself (similar to the 12 attitudes above) is what I end up telling the world around me. Break down the behavior patterns and I begin to change my worldview, manage myself, influence others and speak with confidence.

You have a speaking gig tomorrow... can you speak with confidence?

Just thinking about an upcoming presentation causes many speakers to feel squeemish -even for those of us used to speaking. It's a biological response that sets our energies in motion, in search of a plan. So planning is definitely the first step toward a confident presentation.



Planning our end result is key. Do you want to inspire? Do you want to educate? Do you want to persuade? Consider your intended outcome and work that outcome into both your introduction and conclusion. Now you have a set of bounndaries to stay within. With a plan, we feel grounded and ready - but don't expect the butterflies to disappear. They'll keep you geared up and ready to deliver, even with a plan.

Secondly, we must prepare. By this I mean focus on who the audience is, what they know, what they've experienced, what they need, what they want.



Preparation takes work. It means getting away from what you know long enough to relate that information to them during this particular time in their life. It requires thoughtful reflection, some mental calculation, some digging deep to uncover useful tidbits and some willingness to see things through their point of view.

Only this will help you connect with them. Leave them thinking, "Gosh, the speaker is just like me." If they feel this way, the lightbulb in their head will go on regarding your insight. They will not only pay attention to your logic, they will find you credible in understanding them and their needs. Prepare your message with them in mind - respecting who they are, where they've been and how you can support them.

The next step to put into place is practicing. Yet unless we realize what to practice, we could waste our time.



Keep these things in mind: Practice allows us to try out how to use the energy that's all fired up within us so we know what to expect when we're focusing on our message but all that we see is our nerves. With practice we can make use of movement to equalize our energy. We can look at our surroundings instead of the script. We remember that the focus is to be on our audience instead of ourselves. With practice we remember to project our voice into the entire space the group takes up, to use eye contact, to stop for questions and comments and to try out each tool we're relying on. With practice we get ourselves ready to connect. Without it, we stay in our head.

So allow time to adequately plan, prepare and practice. Until you do, you won't sleep well. So even if it's 11pm and you've avoided these steps, take them. You'll go to bed late, but you'll arise the next morning no longer lacking confidence. You'll be energized, focused and ready to connect. What a great place to be.

Curtain's Up in the Courtroom!

When I was in college studying communications and theatre in the late 70's/early 80's, I learned that law students were required to take theatre or drama classes. I don't know whether all law schools had this in their requirements, but I didn't care. What mattered to me was that attorneys had to develop some discipline. It made sense to me. Rather like Mark Antony, litigators are performers who must influence their audience (judge or jury)to take action, despite the Brutus's around.

The best understand that the script - message - is the least important piece of the experience. Most actors would tell you that the least enjoyable comment they could receive from an admiring audience member is, "How did you remember all those words?"
Instead, it has to do with moving the hearts and minds, especially into action.

Although it must be carefully focused, the attorney's message/script is only as important as the messenger. Yes, the facts must support the intention. However, without a connection to the listeners, a delivery that engages and a mindset focused on what's important, the message is lost.

Careful preparation, repetition and ownership contribute to the attorney's presence. But what tools and strategies support these actions? If the attorney is working on their own without the benefit of having any theatre training and keeping up with that craft, their focus goes simply to the message. This forces attention on only two things: facts and competition. Discovery, research, interviews, exhibits are the technical end. Relying on them to be the means to the end is short-sighted.

It's like an actor showing up with the right props, the right lines, at the right time in the chronological order of the storyline yet failing to listen, to react, or to breathe. The producer might as well print the entire script in the program.

The good news is, attorneys make a difference to juries when they take their time to connect, to deliver something memorable and clear and to stay focused on what's important. This comes from reviewing the artistic elements of courtroom presence. Practicing, committing to becoming effective, all on behalf of the client who needs their legal counselor to make a performance of their lifetime. Because of the impact on them, the client.

Clients want to know that when curtain's up in the courtroom, the butterflies they and their attorneys are experiencing is from excitement about their preparation which works into energy needed for them to stand and deliver.

Remembering What's Important

So last Friday you had a terrific day, one that demonstrated your talents with positive results. And you were on Cloud 9! You entered the weekend on a roll, eager to share the good news with friends, and then something happened. Come Monday morning your alarm clock went off and you gave the typical response. You buried your head and then dragged your tired butt to the alarm to shut it off before plopping back onto the mattress and into the cool sheets.

Your mind fell into its typical scenario - questioning how much energy your body needs to invest into the day. You slumped into a pile on the floor, waited until the cat licked your face before you ascended into your hallway, making your way toward the coffee pot.

It's time to get moving, yet you're fighting it.

You justify your actions by telling yourself last Friday's results have given you a comfort level. Maybe you can take the day off or even call in sick. What's going on? You've shifted from on a high on your roller coaster to on a low. This pattern has been going on for quite some time, so by now you should have realized that the dramatic shifts need to become moderate.

One thing needed is accountability. And there are two ways to get it. One is with self-discipline. Journaling your goals and steps in achieving them while tracking the results on a daily basis. This gets methodical, yet when it comes to accountability, it must be methodical. Tracking the good and the bad helps us see the average, the patterns and the results from the behaviors we tweak.

It requires motivation to see results, to learn from the underachievements as well as from the achievements. This continual focus helps us moderate the emotion. It gives us objectivity so our behavior can level out. When that alarm goes off, it means nothing more than, I am now awake and on my way.

If we can't personally give an account for ourselves, find others to do so with us. Find someone objective, honest and focused on what we have determined is important.

Define first, what is the ultimate objective you're working to accomplish?
Who will benefit from this, and how?
Next, what will it take in the next year to get there?
What will it take in the next 90 days to get the first year's results?
How do we focus on a weekly basis to accomplish this?
Finally, has this week's efforts brought about your 5-day desired results?
If so, take a day off. If not, work.

Write out each of the above so you can continually check your daily/weekly/90-day results against your overall objective. Otherwise, you don't know what's important. And if that is unknown, you also don't know what it will take to create success around your career/professional activities.

Accountability helps us develop discipline which helps us become routine around behaviors that drive results. Put all 5 of these actions into your routine.
1. Get up
2. Get moving
3. Make decisions
4. Act on them
5. Assess results

With this strategy in mind, every day we must REMEMBER what's important. Not our comfort, not our whims, not our pain, our whining or complaining. What's important we have already written down.

How we spend today is important. For our peace of mind. For our ability to feel purposeful, for us to feel we've done what we intended. That we resisted temptation. That we stayed strong. And finally, that we deserve a reward.

Remembering what's important becomes so much easier that once we've hit the mark a few times, we can recall the details of our day with ease. Because it's on our mind. Because it's our focus. Because it drives us out of bed, into action, even when complicated.

Timing is Everything!

Like the photo of the whale popping up just in time to catch a slew of penguins? That had to be a shock to those poor penguins - life altering! Yet for the whale it was one welcome moment!

Animals, mammals, all of nature operates with an "understanding" of cycles. Bats fly in the same pattern, nature flowers in synch with temperature and seasonal changes, bears hibernate in the winter, and you know the rest of the story. Yet for some reason we humans tend to think we needn't use cycles.

In case you, in your life experiences, have never realized that timing is everything, let me open your eyes to this for a bit.

As the whale pictured above may have learned after "stumbling" into the waters where the penguins were, penguins have a fun yet expectant approach to their behaviors. And as one might expect,the whale was no doubt ready to eat and knew just where to go. It, in it's whale way, scoped out the area before, knew to return, kept returning until one day, just at that right moment, profit resulted.

Some who don't understand cycles may ask, "How did he do that?" We know the answer. We understand repetition, continually showing up, continually seeking.

When it comes to communicating, to developing relationship, it isn't enough to test the waters. Testing the waters simply tells us whether the temperature is warm or cold. Testing the waters is only about the present time. But the present time tells us nothing about relationship. Relationship is timing on a continuum. It's about the now, the before, the later.

Through time relationship develops. As my Certified Networker buddies know, when we work on relationships we move from Visibility to Credibility to Profitability. That doesn't happen in one sitting, nor does it in three. Relationship development, just like penguin research, is an investment in time. And that means finding reason to stay in touch, to communicate with frequency and to show up with pleasant unexpectedness. (is that a word?!)

When we discount relationship development, we also tend to be sketchy about our communication. We don't stay in touch and we drop the practice of communicating effectively. For example, many business owners I know - and this sometimes includes me - give up on potential clients too soon. Granted, I'm not talking about the "anybody, everybody" client. I'm talking about the target market, one that is qualified yet may not be ready to say Yes.

A potential client of mine just recently said to me, "No, not yet." And now I understand what that answer really means - "Yes, soon." Timing is everything. In the past I would have given up, upset I had invested so much into the relationship. Today I understand enough about needing things to be timely, that I am content to stay in touch, give valuable information often and act as though they are clients already.

Otherwise, I will miss the mark. I will try to dive in and not account for where I'm at and how deep the water is. I may take a turn, a twist, a maneuver that isn't going to work. And that can hurt. Staying in communication, like staying in practice with diving, keeps us safe, healthy, productive and as far as business goes, profitable.

Walking Away

Recently I read a line out of Kathy Reiche's book, 206 Bones:

Sometimes we walk out on our lives.

I read it out of context, so I can only guess at what she meant since I don't know the details. Yet I found it a profound statement. Enough to reflect on and put out there.

There have been a number of times I can personally attest to walking out on my own life.

For one, I quit teaching after my 16th year to start a coaching business. I had schooled in education, specifically English/speech/communications/theatre. I had many years of practice under me and became fairly good at it, yet chose to walk when I realized something else was calling me. Life as I knew it was now about to end. I wouldn't get a regular salary, benefits, the 3-month vacation. I also wouldn't be grading piles of papers, writing lesson plans and corralling teenagers into a form of classroom management.

Another time "life as I knew it" was replaced with something else is when I spent 8 weeks in the Catskill Mountains studying with the National Shakespeare Conservatory. A summer experience during my teaching career that changed my understanding of "education" forever. Although I earned 19 credits for the experience, since it was a professional theatre conservatory vs. an academic environment, I would not see the usual upgrade in my salary. I saw no upgrade.

That experience, one filled with professional growth, higher learning, meaningful experiences and immediate applications to how I would direct and coach others - that experience showed me the slanted ways we measure growth. It showed me the illogical thinking of value.

For years I had been advised to get my master's degree so I could continue to increase my salary. Although I was teaching English, I didn't want a masters degree in it. I was invited to get my masters in teaching methodology or curriculum development. I didn't want one in those areas either. What I wanted was a masters in theatre or the performing arts. One in directing or performance. But they required a 2 year's leave of absence which I couldn't afford. What I could afford was a scholarship never before given to a HS teacher from the National Shakespeare Conservatory in Manhattan. And what I learned upon my return from that summer study was that although it changed the way I connected with my students and how I performed on stage, it didn't matter to those who offer forms of recognition. It would not change my salary.

WIthin 5 years I walked away from teaching in search of a new way to live and to connect with the world around me. It's not always good to walk away. Nor is it always easy. It is often embarrassing, or demeaning, sometimes even painful. But in these cases of my life, at these times when I was searching for more meaning and for the truth of what is important, I walked out on my life and am glad.

Get out of bed!

Remember the last time you couldn't wait to get out of bed?

Was it because you were off to an adventure? About to recieve an award or honor? Had new clothes to wear? Finally heading out for a vacation?

Getting out of bed gets easier and easier when fun is attached. Our brain is charged with emotional buzz which awakens us, then engages our brain and then our feet start walking. Nothing like hitting the floor running!

If our regular days had fun, if our brains were regularly charged with emotional buzz, what then? How often would we hit the floor running, anticipate adventure, sport new smiles and grins and quickly fly out the door?!

Tomorrow I'm heading out of town to Miami FL, and I know I won't need to hit the snooze. I will eagerly take on this adventure. I love the water, can't wait to visit the awesome hotel overlooking both downtown Miami and Biscayne Bay. Although I'm traveling for work, I also get to play. I can't wait!

Any day that gives me adventure, that helps me laugh, grin and feel great is a winner. So often we forget the joys of life and seek comfort. Although comfort and joy can be a part of the same experience, it usually isn't. Joy is based on moving forward, on seeking next steps, on getting out of bed!

As you set your alarm tonight, consider: Do you want to frown or do you want to grin? If grin, then get out of bed!

Cancellation

Because I have so often stepped into an airport in search of a screen detailing flight status updates, I can relate to what people go through when they realize what they expected to happen was cancelled, forgotten or even ignored.

As kids we fear whether our loved ones will forget our birthday, let alone not give us what we most want. Showing up to give us support is key.

Yet when we turn into adulthood, we see the problem persists. When we arrange a time to meet someone for lunch, coffee, make an appt to see a service provider or schedule a time for an interview, with that comes a level of expectation around follow-through. Not only for us - for them as well. We have set aside time in our day, we may have also deferred time from someone or something else to schedule the agreed-upon appointment.

As a result, no-shows are irritating. They are actions that speak to our character. Certainly life gets in the way adjusting our focus, slowing us down or giving us momentary lapses. Yet today's technology allows for life to get in the way without a character flaw arising.

Phone calls made out of respect to those awaiting our presence demonstrate vulnerabilty while representing respect. Yet not all offenders follow through with these common courtesies. We wait, we wonder and no connection is made. Finally, we make the decision to place a call, to leave the location or to give up on the promise made.

Cancellations aren't all bad. Yet when they happen with regularity, we begin to question the character of those not showing up. Especially when no connection is made.

From my own experiences, I will give anyone the chance to make a mistake. Yet more than one starts to grate away at the trust I had in them. And without trust, the communication that follows is just as questionable.

Much worse than a flight cancellation which is usually a safety precaution, one that happens without regard to the others involved is disheartening. It's the first step toward discomfort with that individual.

Is Communication Coaching for me?

Most people have no idea what to expect from a communication coaching experience. Some wonder whether it's for those who are required to speak in front of groups, or whether it's for leaders, let alone for those who want to improve relationships, focus or a better understanding of themselves.



Consider the following questions and how you may respond to discover whether communication coaching will break down those barriers you want broken down:


1 When you are scheduled to speak to a group, are you at a loss as to how to prepare?

2 Has your speaking fear grown into speaking anxiety no matter what the environment or event is?

3 Is your challenge in how to handle "off-the-cuff" responses?

4 Do you sense that you need to simplify your technical information? Do you want to learn how to edit your material - when everything seems important?

5 Is influencing others, especially key people, your challenge?

6 Do you want to learn how to easily adjust and adapt to feedback?

7 Do you want to be wiser about how you impact people so you can tweak habits accordingly?

8 Do you need to learn how to condense a talk when your time is cut short?

9 Want to learn how to handle tough conversations?

10 Want to manage the voice in your head?

11 Have others asked you to slow down or speak louder?

12 Would you like to be one of those people who walk into any room with presence and confidence?


These are the most common questions clients have that bring them to coaching. If three or more of these relate to you, then you are ready to ask for help, to create a breakthrough for yourself and to generate behaviors that lead to confidence whether in handling tough conversations, presentations, that voice in your head or the relationships around you.

And when you take action around coaching, you are in the top 10% of individuals who actually follow through with what they most desire. Congratulations!

Email Merri at merri@bdbcommunication. We can get started right away.

Difficult Conversations

Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, some conversations are just difficult to have. Although an introvert may find this to be the case more often than his/her assertive counterpart, the truth is, sometimes any of us could be at a loss for words.

I recall a great number of times when I struggled with conversation - all having to do with being honest. Not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, I would rather tell a white lie than speak to someone's faults, errors or inadequacies. Likewise, I had difficulty pointing out my own mistakes, especially when around those I knew well.

All of us are fairly good at communicating. We listen, voice, encourage, discern, account, question, connect, engage, articulate, inform, seek and understand. Yet when any of three key triggers grip us, we stumble.

The triggers are

when we think others will disagree

when our emotions are challenged

when we perceive risk escalating

At these times we will either handle the conversation well (at times this is the case), we will mishandle it (often the case) or we will avoid it entirely (at least a third of the time).

There is no one thing to keep in mind to improve our responses. In fact, moving from avoidance to participation and from mishandling to handling well requires us to do several things.

1. Manage yourself
Doing this means it's okay to you that you make mistakes. You know lessons are learned this way, and as long as you follow through with the appropriate apologies and honest while supportive feedback, you can let yourself be a work in progress.

2. Use objectivity
Let information be information. What is true to one person may not be true to others, yet what is true to them should be validated. Although your emotions may be engaged, focus on facts. This isn't about backing down. It's about discovery - and that moves people forward.

3. Influence others
When people like and trust us, they allow themselves to be influenced by us. On the most basic level, respecting them can move them to like or trust us. What will it take for us to respect them before they even respect us? This step is critical to anyone in leadership as well as to those wanting influence in other circumstances.

With these steps also comes the need to frame conversations well, to be accountable, to plan in advance and prepare to connect well with your audience. Difficult conversations will always stretch us. Yet what we hope comes from them is practice, good experiences, respect and true appreciation for others.

Re-evaluating Structure

What works for you?

Pretty broad question to ask, especially without first asking, what do you want? When I think of what I want, I uncover things that are in opposition to each other. Here are my 2 main things: Peace, Fun.

With peace I feel at ease, unhurried, in-the-moment and rested. Fun brings to mind many opposites - speed, adventure, thrill, planning for a specific outcome.

I still want both. Life brings us experiences that both fit our nature and test it. Challenge is what we all crave, even though it requires risk, endurance, difficulty and emotional involvement. It gives us life!

Peace gives us a way to reflect on life, after we've had the challenges. They work together, yet if not seen that way, if we don't evaluate how they work together, we will quickly dismiss them as not being able to exist together. We will question the need to plan, when being in-the-moment feels more natural. But then, we will bore easily.

How is life working for you? When I answer this question, I see the many days when my structure is supported by my need for fun. I push, I plan, I gruel through my days in the hopes that I get the results - the chance to enjoy life! I forget about the days of non-structure, for peace and reflection. Forgetting this, I then tend to question the value of my time spent with rigor.

Funny, huh, how when we re-evaluate the structure that works for us, we may see the beauty of the inconsistency. And then understand its value.

Anxious Movement

Steps in the hallway, around the coffee pot, outside for a smoke, into a cubicle for whispers. Anxious energy leads us further away from the most important tasks at hand.

I can't do this. It doesn't feel right. I'm not any good. Why me?

These comments leave our lips or infect our thinking and before we know it, the energy within us - digging away at our psyche - furrows deeper ruts into habits that make poor use of our resources. Time is squandered, emotions are drained and our useful energy has been wasted.

We all have energy within us to do whatever we have to do. It pumps our blood that fuels whatever level of physical, emotional and mental activity awaiting us. And just like so many natural resources today, we waste it.

Pacing, fidgeting, eating, drinking, fighting, peeling out of parking lots and shouting expletives. Unfocused energy which can no longer be contained, leaks out. Because our bodies must move. We must do. We have a natural flow that requires motion. When we resist, avoid, balk and hinder, we give our nervous system few choices in how to cope.

Is this the way to be? Sloshing, waving, in turbulence? Out of focus and uncontrolled, it's not a manageable existence. Step one of managing ourselves is determining what steps need to be taken. And you've guessed it, step two is taking them.

No more sloshing, avoidant behaviors. No more excuses. Take the steps. Enough said.