Getting in the Flow #2

A few things are going really well right now. One is the environment I live and work in supports my creative and reflective abilities - Getting in the Flow #1 Another has to do with how I have been expressing my purpose and value.

That expression has altered both my professional attitude and results.

Getting in the Flow #1

This isn't going to be a "how to" post on what it takes to find that sweet spot we're after. Instead, I feel the need to reflect on the space I'm in. Especially as it applies to several things I have neglected until recently.

Today's post is addressing what has changed since my recent move. Tomorrow's post will address another neglected and now enjoyed piece of my life.

Those of you who know me well have heard me share my love of living downtown. The bustling activity, city that never sleeps (yea, not only New York can claim this!) and feeling of being in the middle of the action has a real pull.

And then a month ago we moved away from downtown to be on the water in a private quarry/lake community full of mature trees and out-of-the way bird and geese activity.

Wow! The activity of nature is amazing. From cardinals to herons to a vulture we spotted over the weekend, camped out about 300 yards from the view of our balcony before it flew away with something in its talons.

Not only our cats are enjoying this activity. Each morning the chorus of bird song pulls me awake and alert to what it's really like to be in the flow. An introvert, I appreciate connecting with nature and letting my mind find fluidity. When living downtown, I didn't have this ability. Now that I do, I see the difference in my state of mind.

Yesterday after a very productive day of presenting and networking, I took time to float in the quarry. I have an upcoming Effective Communication series the local bar association is sponsoring and need to flesh out the perameters of each CLE session. The predominant thought in my head was to ruminate over each while in the water.

I donned my swimsuit, grabbed my water noodle, and swam out into the central area of the quarry to let my thoughts go wild. It works! My thoughts shaped the design of each session, offered co-presenter possibilities, and then when I went to last night's networking event, I began sharing these thoughts and found even more ideas flowing from others.


Now I see that my mental focus and clarity is tied to my natural surroundings. I feel so in the flow! Can you relate?

Can't speak up in time? Try this.

Consider the last time you were attending a meeting.

One of the agenda topics gets a few comments from other attendees, then a conclusion is reached and the facilitator moves on to the next topic. More comments are shared. Now you reach a point in your head that you wish you had expressed on the earlier topic. What do you do? For fear of looking like you waited too long to speak up, you say nothing.

If you are an introvert, like I am, this happens to you a lot. We introverts routinely think things through longer before we share our thoughts.

In meeting environments there isn't time for us introverts to think. Comments must be shared now so we can move on to the next point.

Save yourself the frustration with this one simple tip:

Get the meeting agenda ahead of time.

With the agenda in advance you can review the items to be discussed, give quality time to your experiences and/or understanding of them, consider the questions you have and the ideas you wish to share.

Meetings are times to demonstrate what we think. Don't give up this chance.

We introverts don't demonstrate much if we don't speak up. But if we have taken the time to think about the topics prior, we can get to the sharing point before the facilitator has moved on.

Want to speak up? Help yourself by giving yourself necessary time to think things through.

Introverts and Extroverts Value Their Contacts

Who are you connecting with this week?

My Master Mind groups this month have been focusing on their key contacts for business and relationship development.

It is common strategy for pipeline development to make a certain number of calls weekly, seeking
face time with those in the position to make decisions on the services we offer.

Although it isn't a particularly favorite task of many introverts, picking up the phone to stay in touch is beneficial. Not only does it give us practical skills in conversation development and getting to the point, it helps us exercise our rapport-building strategies while leading to appointment development.

Valoria Hoover, past Ohio Women's Bar Association president and co-founder of the OWBA Foundation, says "An attorney does nothing for themselves. You represent others, so you must know others." Getting outside of our selves and reaching out to others for support, feedback and assistance are key to practice development, no matter your introvert/extrovert temperament.

Staying connected is key. Whether through email or phone calls, we must schedule time with others. While it shows how much we value those we spend time with, it also helps us fine-tune our understanding of their circumstances and needs.

Who are you reaching out to, today?

What Your Audiences Fear #2

Yesterday's post addressed the number one fear of audiences - speakers wasting their time. Today's fear is a very close second.

Audiences fear when we speakers focus on things they don't understand.

As a past high school teacher, I remember the number of times I did this in my own classroom. It's painful for students to sit through a class feeling unaware. Emotionally they are left with a complex of not feeling smart enough.

Can you relate to my high school students, listening to a presenter who speaks over your head? Who uses jargon or language you don't understand? Who gets carried away with information or stories you cannot relate to? Then you know first-hand the problem associated with audience fear #2 - feeling left out.

What this leads to is frustration, anger, exasperation and sometimes even hostility. It comes from feeling trapped listening to something that makes us feel inadequate. We presenters don't want audiences responding this way. It's stressful enough just getting in front of audiences.

We want to make the most out of our time with audiences, getting signs of reflection or approval, even participation.

So if we introverts are the presenters, consider how often we get emotionally overwhelmed when presenting that we only focus on what we know, forgetting the audience. That's when the spigot is turned on and our presentation flows on and on from an endless supply of information that often makes our listeners feel they are facing a fire hose. We have blasted them with information. Now they must defend themselves by throwing questions our way or escaping.

We presenters must make ourselves clear.

We presenters not only must relate to our audiences, we must remember that any time we are addressing them, we must connect what they know to what we know and from there move forward to inform or motivate.

Notice the order here: connect what they know to what we know. This order defers to our listeners first and then respectfully connects their world to ours. Not the other way around.

The first order of business for us presenters to defer focus to an audience is to discover their world, relevant to the presentation topic. Discovering the world of others may not be usual for an introvert, yet using our research and analytical abilities, it is in our skill set. While it puts our value on hold temporarily, deferring to our audience creates a relationship that leads us to be highly valued.

Therefore, we presenters must connect our audience circumstances to our topic. From there we presenters have a connection with our audiences that keeps them from escaping, instead, focused on familiar territory and following your lead.

Remove this second most common audience fear and make yourselves clear!

Why We Introverts Must Learn to Ask

One of my hardest lessons in life has been asking for help.

I recall times during my high school years I would attend county fairs with friends with a limited amount of money in my pocket. So much to do with a little bit of money - eat great foods, ride thrilling rides or play games of skill.

I would walk my frugal self around, trying to decide where to give up my funds. Usually my parents where also on the fair grounds, so if I ran out of money, I could always ask for more. But I knew I wouldn't. Instead of deciding to buy all that I wanted, I would have to decide which were my priorities.

Being frugal with money is one thing. Being frugal with time is something different. This has been a relatively recent discovery.

Introverts, Get Up and At'em!

Back when I was teaching and directing HS theatre, I had to emphasize to students during show weeks the need to get up early on Saturdays. 

Often Friday night shows would go well. Students had been up early enough to get to school on time, had their metabolisms engaged and by showtime they were fully alert and ready to go.

But if they slept in on Saturday morning, especially into the afternoon, they were sluggish.

Could you just quiet down?

We introverts have an internal meter that automatically kicks into gear in public spaces. It is a mechanism that alerts us to behavior insensitive to our temperament - when people are too loud.

I live in a loft downtown Columbus. Like most public housing, hallway noise and noise within the units are apparent to those around me. So out of respect for the other residents, most of the time I keep my noise to a minimum.

I soften my walk on the hard floors, slow down activity in the kitchen when handling pots and pans, am cautious of drawer and door sounds. Talking out loud is usually handled in my "6-inch" or personal space voice.

All this behavior supports my need for quiet, so in reverse, I suspect there are others like me who appreciate the same standards.

Whether we are early-morning or late-night people, there will be the times when noises will escape us. But within a few minutes, I can tell whether someone is respectful of those around them or not.

If not, that's when the common courtesy question is handy to use:

"Excuse me, you probably don't realize I'm having difficulty hearing/sleeping/working with the noise in your area. Would you please lower the noise level?"

No, people will not read our mind. Yes, we can influence others' behavior. When your internal noise meter goes off, wait to see if the noise level persists. If it does, speak up and ask for quiet.

Introverts, Tip to Make the Conversation Easier

One of my clients, an extrovert in many ways, has difficulty with owning authority. Like most of us, she doesn't want to appear too pushy, so she naturally defers to avoiding some useful conversations. A common situation for most of us, this avoidance leads to her having some complicated situations with direct reports.

When she shared the situation with me, I asked, "Are you willing to have a conversation to address this with your direct report?"

"Well, I know I should, but I don't want to come across the wrong way."

How many of us can relate to this?

For us introverts, the constant voice in our head asks the question, "What will they think?", especially when we are facing a difficult conversation.

Meeting Management Requires Interruption

We introverts struggle with injecting ourselves into conversation. In earlier posts I have focused on meeting participation. Today let's focus on how to guide the conversation when you are the meeting facilitator. Not a smooth task, yet one that requires both courage and calm to interject and set the tone.

Do you wait for the lull before interjecting?
Many of us prefer this, for it allows us to feel we are respecting conversers. However, we who run meetings see how quickly things steer off-track. If we were to wait for a lull in conversation, we may be disrespecting the meeting's intention and structure, offending those who wish we would just get the focus back on track.

Instead of waiting for the lull, interrupt.

How to interrupt:
1. Ask for the segue.
"I think I’m missing something here, can you explain how this relates back to..." and then fill in the track the conversation had steered from.

2. Seek permission.
"Do you mind if we stay focused on [the topic at hand] for this discussion?”

3. Use body language.
I might put my hand out or even stand up, indicating it’s time to pass the conversation on to another individual. Usually this requires saying as much as well.

4. Simply state the need to get back on track.
"Thank you for that, (give person's name). Now let's move on to...."

There is no need to apologize for directing the conversation. As soon as we begin apologizing, we have shifted the focus again. Keep things moving forward with the confidence that it's important to do so. Most people appreciate it.

Meeting managers who guide conversation

• respect others' time
• respect the focus of the meeting
• demonstrate their willingness to lead

Aren't these values of the introvert? Push forward with the interruption!

Introverts, Now Make Something Happen

I really love introverts. We go deeper and get more involved in the meaning of and importance of things than others do. Yet sometimes we forget to do something about it.

I've been there, too. I pour myself into a topic, sit for hours in front of my laptop doing the due diligence, make notes, get excited about my thoughts and ideas and then find my legs start jumping up and down. It's at that point that I know it's time to do something about what I've learned.

It's time to act.

Introverts can Go for the No, Plan for the Yes

In a Leadership for Life course, I was once given instruction to see how many times I could ask a question that could be answered by "No".

"Get 10 No's a day" was the recommendation. Really?? I hate it when people say NO!

Many thought this bizarre - why would we want to ask questions that seek a "no" response?

Aren't we better off playing toward the "yes"?

But I knew exactly where this was going - I could sense it based on who I am.

I hardly ever asked questions that could potentially get "no" answers. Those were too uncomfortable. My introverted experiences with getting "no" shut me down. Just thinking about this made these huge vibrations go off in my brain - "You can't handle NO!"

So when this course instructor said to get 10 no's a day, I realized that was the best advice I could get for stepping out of my comfort zone, eventhough I hated it.

I began asking silly things of waiters - "may I have more water?" soon was followed with "could we have more rolls, too?" "Would you please divide up our checks separately?" and sometimes, "could I get this reheated?"

As I asked these questions, I felt  more authority.

I asked the questions with a smile on my face. In my intent to get 10 no's, I was getting only yes's. I couldn't believe it.

Then the asking transferred into my business dealings. "Would you be willing to make this connection for me?" "May I attend that networking event with you next time?" and then slowly I began making the bigger asks - "Based on what you want in communication support, does this fit with what you have in mind?"

I felt fully alive. Suddenly, like when I stand backstage before I perform with my band - I felt expectation and hope when sitting with a prospect. I loved it. I didn't know how the situation was going to turn out, but I knew I was prepared to accept it. Will they say no?

If so, I am that much closer to achieving my result of seeing how far I can go. But this was my business. Do I risk asking these tough questions? If so, I am leading. I am purposeful.

Can you relate?

If you can, it's hard for you to ask for the sale. It may be hard to get a co-worker to assist you. It may be hard to delegate or to pick up the call to seek an appointment.

Desensitize yourself by seeking No.

Although you don't plan to get the no, plan to ask questions that you otherwise woudn't ask for fear of getting no. Simply asking while desensitizing yourself from the fear.

Try it for 7 days - get 10 no's a day. Let me know what happens!

Believe or Don't Believe

On Easter Sunday, our minister made a startling point.

"It's not my job to convince you of anything today. Either you believe or you don't believe. But I am here to tell you what this day means to me."

And on he went with a series of stories about what it means to have Jesus with him on a daily basis.


Like Pastor Tim, I am not here to make believers out of anybody either - whether from a religious, a sales or a social issues perspective. All I can do is tell stories about what I believe in. And in my case, I believe it's worth it to believe in the gifts I have been given, - whether I'm an introvert or not - enough so that I speak up in timely ways.

When Meetings Follow the Rules

I recall a time I presented a topic to a firm's practice group when the firm administrator was present. He sat off to the side where he could gain an advantage of being in the room while also witnessing the participation of others during his scrutiny of me. He is a conscientious rule follower, especially one desiring the meeting facilitator conduct efficient meetings. So he was particularly interested in discovering how I would hold true to my own agenda.

As the meeting facilitator it behooves me to demonstrate both flexibility and structure so everyone's time is well-spent. Especially the introvert's.

In the Flow Presentations

Ever feel as though you are the only one who has enjoyed the flow of your topic? After stepping away from your audience, if people say to you, "I can tell you enjoy presenting," think about whether you let them enjoy your topic too.


One of the things I have learned as a presenter is the Rule of Thirds. It came to me years after I had first stepped into high school classroom training, but just soon enough to make a difference for my adult audiences. It has to do with adult learning styles. We adults learn based on three different things.

Social Pressures at Work

This morning I attended an executive breakfast that included a presentation in team building techniques for effectiveness.

Ironically, I had just read Susan Cain's chapter, When Collaboration Kills Creativity from her book, Quiet. The gist I took from Cain's chapter is, it's okay to encourage collaboration, but add a healthy dose of individual, uninterrupted work to the mix. Yet from this morning's presentation I felt the introvert's need for quiet and focused individual work is forgotten in most work environments.

Sales are not Tim's Gum

One eye-opening experience I had in first grade taught me a lesson about human nature that has stayed with me today. A fellow classmate, Tim - a timid and honest boy- had drifted off into his head, away from the lesson. Our teacher, Mrs. Showalter, noticed this. To bring him back into the moment with the rest of us, she simply called him by name.

"Tim," Mrs. Showalter said.

"Gum," was his immediate response as his face turned crimson.

"Excuse me?" Mrs. Showalter remarked, her eyes big and her mouth almost laughing.

We first-graders watched Mrs. Showalter regain her composure and stole looks at Tim as he covered his mouth, wondering whether Mrs. Showalter had discovered he was chewing gum in class before he confessed.

"Gum", Tim repeated.

"I see. You have gum in your mouth. Tim, would you please remove the gum from your mouth and throw it away? I believe it's time you pay attention again."

"Yes, ma'm."

We watched Tim slide out of his desk, pull the gum from his mouth and saunter to the wastebasket, hanging his head. Sheepishly he deposited the gum and apologized. "I'm sorry, ma'm." Whether he was sorry he brought attention to his crime or really sorry he attempted to chew gum in class, we don't know.

I have a feeling Tim was not enjoying his stick of gum, having to chew it on the sly, hoping dear Mrs. Showalter didn't discover it. That stick of gum probably lost its flavor quickly.

Here is what I learned. Whatever bothers us stays so top of mind that we cannot focus on anything but it. As a result, we teeter between being stuck in our head with or blurting out those things causing us pain.

Confidence in Asking

When I started observing jury trials to coach attorneys in confidence and influence, I enjoyed watching opposing attorney communication style and quickly learned a few key things. In general, those who were prepared - mentally and logically - demonstrated the most confidence. But I was thrown by the shift in a confident lawyer's approach when he/she switched from the prepared questions to the follow-ups.

Any good attorney will say, "never ask a question you don't know the answer to". But great ones know there are times to ask the questions you don't know the answer to. During voir dire.

Do you understand them, individually?
Like someone pitching a sale, attorneys need to use the process "Seek to understand and then to be understood" during the jury selection/deselection process. This means get the jurists, like prospects, to talk. Introverts, this is something you can be really good at. The more others talk, the less you have to.

When giving sales pitches or demonstrations with my audiences, I have failed if all I do is seek a show of hands. Equally poor is a well-placed question to a jurist without appropriate follow-up. Is it better to know or not to know someone's bias? If it's better to know, - and of course it is - then it's appropriate to dig deeply enough to uncover a bias during voir dire.

Follow your instincts. Practice asking the tough questions. Discover what's being covered up. Seek to understand those who have the power to decide your case. Introverts, if you need to take a moment to word the next question, simply state, "give me just a moment". Do not move on without asking it. Extroverts, remember your time asking questions about the jury is not about you. Seek to understand those deciding your case.

The confidence we have in asking the tough questions is proportionate to the respect and admiration onlookers will have for us. If our questions lead to uncomfortable candidate moments during voir dire, selection/deselection is that much easier. You need to know who is going to give you the best hearing.

Begin Practicing Today
So put into practice today your willingness to follow up with meaningful questions. Choose people on which to practice this process. Those close to you, who understand your career, could be ones to regularly test your skills on. Get comfortable with following your instincts and asking the deeper, more insightful questions.

The more confident you are in asking the difficult questions, the more influential you will be. Your case, and maybe your client, depends on it.

What, no book to read?

It is common to see me awaiting an appointment with my eyes glued to the pages of an open book. My recent choice is Susan Cain's Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. It is full of great research, stories and insight.

So when I arrived at this morning's first appointment more than 10 minutes ahead of schedule, I was anguished at forgetting to pack Cain's book in my bag. Drats! And I intended to leave this appointment to arrive early at the next, knowing I wanted more reading time. Now it wasn't going to happen.

We introverts aren't trying to avoid conversation with people when we pull out our books. It's just that we so enjoy the private moments that daily downtime creates in keeping us up in our research. I could have looked around the restaurant I was in to see who to start a conversation with, but instead I decided to play to my strengths.

I whipped out a moleskin where I jot down notes for future blog posts - stories, insights, profound expressions or ideas that come to me through the day. Writing is another activity I have grown to enjoy, as long as I have ideas in mind to work with. Through a National Speakers' Association training called Protrack I have been coached to keep a small journal - a bound moleskin is perfect - handy for these quick notes. Since I keep it with me at all times, I have my idea list ready. Jotting down notes in my moleskin kept me busy until my appointment companion arrived. Whether I use this for writing in my blog, creating new stories for my presentations or future dialogue with others, I have a ready vat of information.

So this time it was to support the post in what do you do when you have no book to read but time on your hands? Extroverts may pull out their smart phones to scan through recent updates on their family/friends profiles or accounts when they have downtime. Many of us introverts detest being idle, so if we are playing to our strengths we are either reading or writing, usually in the traditional manner. Putting pen to paper, cracking open a good read or making a list of To Do's.

What do you do with your downtime? I would enjoy seeing the results of this question. And if you don't have your first pick handy, then what? Please comment.

No Need to be Caught in the Middle

I enjoyed laughing at the antics of Larry, Curley and Moe as a kid. Their physical comedy captured my breath and I often seemed to end up with the same expression on my face as the one caught in the middle. Luckily, it was them, not me, feeling the pain of the moment!

But in real life, I hate being a Stooge. Not only am I embarrassed, I regret making the choice of least resistance. Usually it has to do with not being courageous enough to speak up, especially when circumstances are between two people but one of them comes to me to do their dirty work.