It's All in Your Head

Think you're going to screw up in front of your next audience? If you do, it's because it's all in your head.

The Value of Just Hiding Out

Last night I went to a networking event that I almost talked myself out of. I had a full day of work without appointments, so it was a temptation not to follow through with the evening event.

After a full day of focused work from home, why get showered and dressed for an hour or so?

Fortunately, after I received the invitation to attend the networking event, I invited about 6 others to join me there. That got me going. And like in most cases, once I was there, I was glad to have made connection with several new contacts.

But this morning I am once again glad to be appointment-less until noon. That's when it hits heavy - 4 appts in a row, including another evening event.

Here is why I am glad to have nothing in my schedule.

There is value in hiding out.

Especially for the introvert, but even for the extrovert who values thinking and focus.

Like this morning, I need blocks of time to review an upcoming presentation, follow up on calls and emails and get my energy engaged for an afternoon of appointments. Planning time is the core of my foundation. Without it, I get out of sorts, lose track of my focus and feel purposeless.

Another reason for hiding out may sound strange to the extrovert - we introverts lose energy with each personal contact we make. Time alone gives us the opportunity to recharge while we prepare for what lies ahead with future contacts. In service-related industries we are at our best when we are fully recharged.

Do you have stacks of appointments scattered throughout your schedule? Schedule chunks of time to hide out. It will give you planning, preparation and even the energy you need to handle and enjoy them.

Introverts can rise above it all

One of my favorite childhood TV shows was The Flying Nun, starring Sally Field. Quirky and fun, I loved how the introverted main character defied the odds of daily life in the abby, and smirked through her challenges with a tilt into the wind and willingness to "rise above it all".

Similar to Maria in the Sound of Music, Field's character captured my imagination with relentless surprise through her willingness to explore. Isn't it funny that Sally Field in real life would say,

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes. ~Sally Field

Confidence is an exercise in accepting the stuff we are made of , and letting that give us a lift.

It helps us stand up, speak up and sit down.

What will it help you do today?

It's Okay to Get Feedback

Several of my clients as well as many in my network are on the speaking "circuit". Whether they are the thought-leaders in their industry or just commonly called on to provide entertaining and informative content, they regularly get on a platform (webinar, panel discussion, presenter, workshop leader) to present content.

One of the ways I have been serving my community is by requesting a chance to observe them. I get new stories for my presentation coaching, I gain respect and admiration for their styles and I put myself in the position to affirm and support them.

In most of these cases I am observing introverts. Is there a reason they respond more willingly? I don't know. I do know they want me in their audiences because they usually want to continue speaking and desire development tips.

Regardless of whether they are introvert or extrovert, it's obvious they want to distinguish themselves from the rest.

Times I have been told to observe folks who didn't solicit it themselves, I have had some pushback. Unless they are really good speakers already. Those who pursue speaking are quick to introduce me as their speaking coach. Those who don't appreciate my attendance tend to create distance from me or not let on to others what my expertise is.

It is okay to seek feedback. Especially when you know you will get better, but beyond that, when you know not only will you learn something, you will be affirmed as well.

Here's a challenge for you:

Before your next talk, seek feedback. Find someone (or a small group of someones) willing to listen and observe. Ask them what they liked and what they suggest. You will gain, immeasureably. You will be affirmed, inspired and motivated.

It's okay to get feedback.

Get the Power

Yesterday I had my second meeting with my mentor, a powerful relationship which started just two weeks ago. Going into the meeting I was excited, for I remembered the feeling I had at the end of our first meeting. At that point I was thrilled.

My mentor, Jim, had given me a way to focus what I was already doing into a system which would make my business so much easier. I immediately went to work on refining it, sent him my system and heard constructive feedback.

In the meantime, Jim send me the focus for our second meeting. I couldn't wait for the second meeting. And just as I had anticipated, the second meeting proved just as thrilling. Again I have homework that will benefit my focus and business.

When we are on our own trying to figure things out, we come really close to getting it right. We know what we want and like scientists, we test out several ways of getting it. Yet that feeling of self-doubt affects us introverts, so our motivation is weakened which slows down our progress.

We need fuel that powers us into action and keeps us motivated in our efforts.

One element of my fuel is my master mind group. This collection of business owners is a support team, an advisory board and a team of cheerleaders all wrapped into one. With monthly meetings in a defined agenda, each of us offer our newest successes and challenges for discussion. From this we get discusions that create synergy we leverage for solutions toward our success.

The second element of my fuel is my mentor. From my mentor I get weekly guidance on circumstances I am addressing and systems to support the strategy.

My personal fuel tank runs dry quickly when I rely only on my own perspective with my ideas. But the fuel additives of my master mind group and mentor keep me running with a power that eases me into focus which sustains the long haul.

If you don't have that kind of power, get it.

6 Tips for Speaking Up

One of the hardest things for us introverts to manage is how to share the chatting in our head with those around us. We commonly observe, compare, judge, and wish we could voice our thoughts. But so often we don't. We are hording golden nuggets.

Time Out from Teams

Susan Cain, author of Quiet, has a plea to the education community - "Please give students time by themselves to think."

My introvert voice applauds her plea, knowing the refreshment that comes to us introverts when we have the time alone to reflect. We may do well with teams - although we need to accustom ourselves to them. We can play well in the sandbox. But we really prefer our own time to create, to discover, to think to ourselves. This is what I call solitude.

Many work environments are designed for pods and open space where quiet is bypassed. No wonder the work-from-home culture is so rampant. Many of us still prefer our own boundaries to get things accomplished. I do. Oh, I still enjoy times at coffee shops and public spaces for appointments or for the change of pace work, but my preference is to be isolated.

Are you an introvert? If so, take time out from teams. Find your space where you'll get the work done - meaning - think, create, strategize and do. If you need to inform your manager, find a way to address this, quietly, respectfully. They may not understand the dynamic constant teaming creates for introverts.

Do you have several appointments lined up? Good for you! Meetings, too? Of course while they are both necessary, it is also necessary to schedule your own time. Otherwise, at the day's end you'll regret not getting anything done. And if you're a teacher or can advise one, remind them of the needs to give students time out to think.

Ponder These: quotes on introversion

Friday is a great day for reflecting on the past week, the week ahead and things relevant to who we are. Introverts, see what you think of the following 5 quotes on introversion:




"I'm an introvert at heart... And show business - even though I've loved it so much - has always been hard for me."
Roy Rogers



"I was a very shy and introverted person, and it was hard for me to talk to people and make relationships."
Gabriela Sabatini

“I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself. ”
Jarod Kintz

“Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially “on,” we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn’t antisocial. It isn’t a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: “I’m okay, you’re okay—in small doses.”
― Jonathan Rauch

“Having people in different optimal environments increases the chances of survival of the human race as a whole. It is nature's way to preserve her species.”
― Marti Olsen Laney, The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World

Affirm Who You Are

Many business leaders and coaches will tell you to focus on the goals you set, follow through with the initiatives you're using to reach them and track your results. This is good advice. On top of that - and in addition, is the need for the introvert to affirm who they are.

Put a Face on It

The photo next to this post can lead you to way to have fun between you and another for Valentine's Day. Similarly, last Christmas I had fun with the Jib Jab site (creating jingles that are personified by me and my friends) when I cut and pasted photos of each of my No Excuses band members into a Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree animated jingle used for a holiday card from us.

Every time our friends and us played this holiday card, we laughed and laughed. Why? Because the dancing and maneuvering of the animated characters were fun, but once the characters had each of our faces on it, the animation was hysterical.

Face It

For some of us, success is what we fear. The only real solution is to get over it. And by that, I mean, just Face It. Look it squarely in the eye. Learn what it is that makes us shake and then address it.

Similarly, many of us fear getting in front of groups. Whether introvert or extrovert, we fear we haven't what it takes for the moment.

#1 Audience Complaint - Up the Introvert Alley

Cramming too much information into a short span of time

You've been in these audiences before. You hear the speaker say, "let's get started because we have a lot to cover". Motivation to dig in and listen? No. This comment is more like motivation to groan, to tune out, to pull out the notepads to start doodling.

Why I enjoy Observing Presentations

Several months ago I began the practice of observing speakers. I posted a plea on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn for discovering Ohio-based presentations from folks in my network and have begun finding ways to be in their audiences. Sometimes they make the arrangements themselves for me, sometimes they refer me to the event planner for assistance. Nonetheless, I now am a speaker's observer.

Feed your Introvert Downtime Need

It's Friday, a great day for us introverts to reduce our stress. If we've been out meeting with folks during the day through the rest of the week, maybe even attended a few "required" evening events, we need the downtime. Friday is a great day to set aside "me" time: follow up on the paper trails, focus on needed research, and/or make the next prospecting list.

This week I have focused on Stress, the #1 Introvert Barrier Pattern, while addressing some of the factors that cause it: work overload (see post Inside the Lines) and focusing on the physical symptoms (see post Physical Symptoms Don't Have to Derail Us). And another contributor to introvert stress is people exhaustion.

Inside the Lines

Coloring was a very enjoyable past-time for me as a child. I took my time selecting which crayon color I would use for the patterns in my coloring book, took my time testing out the color's smooth feel on the page, testing out its ability to evenly display the hue within the lines and, all-the-while, it gave me a sense of calm. What I didn't like about coloring was sharing one page of the book while someone else used it. It seemed they were always finished first, waiting on me to catch up. That put pressure on my slow, methodical, calm approach. I tried to do more, choose quicker, forget about the joy of sliding the crayon on the pattern. Just get it done. Yet as an introvert, getting it done wasn't important.

Managing my workload is the adult perspective of learning how to color inside the lines. It helps me create the calm I am after, unaffected by those working alongside me. Unfortunately, many introverts are motivated to do too much, because they are seen at thorough, as experts, and are encouraged to commit themselves to more things more often.

Do you ever have workload anxiety?

Yesterday's blog post, Introvert Barrier #1, focuses on stress and the three factors that introverts most often are impacted by. The first factor, work overload, is one that was a huge factor in my teaching career. For 16 years I was a high school speech, English and drama teacher, early on enjoying coaching of basketball and volleyball, although feeling inadequate in the roles. My favorite extra-curricular commitment was the directing of high school plays and musicals. I enjoyed it so much, I let that focus expand so that I directed 2 productions yearly and gradually added being the Executive Director of the community's local youth theatre program in addition to my full-time teaching.

There is a behavioral pattern called Doing Too Much, Pushing Too Hard that I quickly subscribed to. As you can imagine, late nights with theatre rehearsals and early mornings of homework grading became a part of my routine. Not on occassion - but this was my mode of operation. I commonly brewed and drank 6-8 cups of coffee each morning prior to leaving home en route to school. As any introvert can tell you, burning the candle at both ends leaves a nasty impact on the body, yet it's worse in the introvert's mind. I was left thinking I would never see an end to this routine - I was good at what I do and would always be responsible for taking on multiple projects while being expected to handle the work-day classroom load.

My error was in my thinking - I thought others were responsible for my overload. Others saw my work and wanted more. My aha came when I realized it was up to me to decide how much is too much. And then do something to set and maintain my own boundaries.

In business we see this philosophy as the ability to create desire, fulfill it, and leave them wanting more. Some business owners think the customer dictates our work schedule and our production. Others believe less is more. Provide the carrot, understand the receiver's interest and motivate their involvement. Even professional speakers and marketers practice the idea of efficiency and focus vs. rambling forever.

Work overload kills energy and confidence that introverts are already in short supply of by nature. The best thing I did to address my own circumstances was remember what I was good at and say yes to those commitments while saying no to things I had once believed I "needed" to do. No more detached coloring-book moments, feeling driven to just get it done. No more Doing Too Much, Pushing Too Hard. I could get back to enjoying the activities of my life, as well as the people.

The decision to commit to few things while enjoying them gave me back my personality, my private life and even my confidence in myself - let alone reduced my stress. It can for you, too.

When Introverts Focus on What Works

Yesterday I had a rough day. I watched my partner and her kids hit the road for a fun roadtrip while I stay behind to keep the house in order; discovered one of the songs my band has recorded now has only 30% or less of my harmony in it; and began stressing over my business pipeline for January. I knew better than to let any of those things get me down, but on the other hand, I immediately felt sorry for myself. I fell into the pattern of relishing the pity and fell into a pretty deep hole.

So I got out - although not out of my predicament, I did get out of the house.

Fortunately I had places to go and things to do. Three and a half hours later my spirits were better, I was thinking differently and I had a plan for focusing on things with a positive behavior change.

For most introverts, when we are hit with difficulties, we ruminate over them until we really process the "feeling" part of the challenge. And we're so good at going deep to problem solve that we go deep with ourselves and end up with disaster. So it's imperative we switch our focus from those things that don't work to things that do. At these times, we need people around us who are focusing on other things - light or heavy, either can give us a break from our ruminating. Yet if the topic is more serious we put more meaning into it and let this new topic replace our old ruminations.

Focusing on what works means either paying attention to those things we are skilled at or experienced in or focusing on other people's thinking. Get absorbed in something other than yourself and you walk away with new perspective about your own situation. For instance, last night I attended a goal-setting seminar presented by David Emerson Smith, intent in paying attention to his seminar approach as well as his goal-setting process. In both counts I admired several things.

Although I was paying attention to Dave - deeply immersed in learning - I immediately shifted to applying his ideas to my own seminar approaches as well as applying his ideas about positive behavior change to my own goal-setting. I walked away refreshed and motivated, seeing the opportunity in time alone, in seeking constructive criticism for vocal harmony or other band-related responsibilities and in shifting my pipeline activity to more productive efforts.

For us introverts, the best way to dig ourselves out of a hole is to give the shovel to someone else. You read how this worked for me. How can you do this?

Your Speaking Gigs for 2012

In my theatre experience folks often ask me, "Merri, do you prefer directing or performing?" And my usual response is, "whichever I'm doing at the moment". I have come to love the craft of the performer - planning for an event or show, rehearsing it, gathering the nervous excitement prior to it's starting and then finally experiencing the flow of the performance when well-prepared. The audience response has to be the best part of it, though.

Yet, the directing piece allows me to witness the light-bulb moments of others: both those performing and those in the audience. From the exploratory process of connecting the performer to their part (message, character, delivery, rhythm, etc.) to the shift from their own anxiety to excitement - working with others on helping them really love what they're doing and who they're being is precious.

And the same goes for speaking.

Flowing into an Introvert's Short Bursts

Tomorrow is going to be a pivotal day for me and my band, No Excuses. We have another gig at the People Called Women Bookstore in Toledo, and before that we will be spending a few hours in a recording studio. We're working on our first cd of original work!

That's so exciting to me. Ever since we set a goal to record by the end of the year, eventually found a studio we could afford, and then determined which songs to highlight, I have been giddy with anticipation.

It's not something I've really spoken about much in conversation with others, yet it's been a constant conversation in my head. I'm not sure others in the band have discussed it either, for we'll all introverts. Yet we're all feeling the same way - nervous but excited! Similar to how we feel just prior to another gig, yet recording gives us lasting impressions of our work.

Susan Cain shared something unique recently in her blog post called, What Kind of Happy are You? In the post she lists the most common introverted approaches to happiness - approaches extroverts misunderstand about happiness. In the 5 styles, I most often relate to happiness in short bursts and those of flow. In the case of this weekend, the anticipation of performing again live is driven by my "flow" of great energy I experience when singing with this band and the short burts of enthusiasm when others appreciate the individual pieces.

Although introverts may not have excessive enthusiasm, the happiness is still very real. And I know going into the recording studio I will most appreciate the "flow" of adrenaline while experiencing the process of putting this record together. I may even laugh at some point. Although the outward signs may not point to "happiness", I will definitely experience it.

We love structure!

I so enjoy the picture on this post. As a work of art it is compelling, focused and fun. I love the structure and where it takes my eyes.

Not always do I enjoy structure. I don't like being confined to a desk, told what to do and how to do it. But when it comes to understanding what to expect in a new environment or out of new people, structure is my friend.

There are key ways introverts benefit from structure.

From Security Blanket to Sport Coat

Yesterday's Rethink the Security Blanket post introduced the idea Linus Van Pelt shares in Snowflakes of adjusting from wrapping his security blanket around him to donning himself in its splendor. As introverts, we usually wrap ourselves up in the blanket to avoid moving forward in social settings that make us feel anxious. We can take some action to rethink this so our comfortable assets become professional attire. We can use our natural operations as sport coats.