With a Little Help from my Friends

As we consider the relationships around us, key relationships and those who are dear to us, we rightly value our impact on them. Do we also value their impact on us?

Just this week, several individuals have shared both concerns and successes regarding friends and doing business.

One had taken the difficult step (in his mind) of reaching out to individuals of long-standing relationship to seek advice/assistance while prospecting. On telling his success he shared the observation that the situation wasn't nearly as difficult or cumbersome as he expected.

"But of course," were the responses of several of his friends. "I would be glad to help." What a relief after he had anticipated hesitation and possible loss of friendship.

Another individual shared a need to take care in handling a possible opportunity for purchasing a friend's business. "This is new to me," he offered. "Not only have I never bought a business before. I want to do right by my friend. This is one of my biggest challenges right now."

How do you feel when asking friends to help with business or business connections?

I was at a women's leadership luncheon yesterday which focused on the theme of Asking. One of the presenters suggested, "When we ask, we allow giving to happen". The same is when we ask friends for advice, support, assistance whether in business or personal matters.

Take care with these relationships, yet while taking care, trust that you have the relationship to ask for help. The Beatles, your mother, your boss and your friends will appreciate it.

Why We Introverts Must Learn to Ask

One of my hardest lessons in life has been asking for help.

I recall times during my high school years I would attend county fairs with friends with a limited amount of money in my pocket. So much to do with a little bit of money - eat great foods, ride thrilling rides or play games of skill.

I would walk my frugal self around, trying to decide where to give up my funds. Usually my parents where also on the fair grounds, so if I ran out of money, I could always ask for more. But I knew I wouldn't. Instead of deciding to buy all that I wanted, I would have to decide which were my priorities.

Being frugal with money is one thing. Being frugal with time is something different. This has been a relatively recent discovery.

What I Believe about Coaching

So many of us are looking for the magic bullet. Whether to attack incompetence, ineffectiveness, self-doubt or lack of strategy. We want help. And the bottom line beneath this is our feeling of inadequacy.

We want to feel adequate to others. We want to have our voice heard. We want to erase the past and move into the future by focusing on our present need.

Today there are VOLUMES of coaches. Business coaches, life coaches, athletic coaches, team coaches, relationship coaches. This, to me, clearly indicates our society's desire to seek help. Which reflects either a driven ambition or a desire to finally get recognition.

What I believe about coaching, which reflects my belief in community, has to do with tapping into a willingness to slow down. This isn't a simple process, yet the ability to slow down, to idle while pausing to reflect, gives us tremendous capacity to accept what the divine/universe is giving us.

When we are in the driver's seat of our automobile, accelerating toward the top of an overpass in a busy highway, we are alarmed when we suddenly enter fog. Our impulse is to brake the momentum. Unless we brake and then decelerate, we will crash. Whether we are emotionally overwhelmed by our lack of visibility and turn the wheel towards an embankment, or whether we strive to push forward and bang into a suddenly visible vehicle, our momentum suddenly appears costly. The only thing for us to do when we are startled by our circumstances is to slow enough to assess the situation.

The same is true about how we handle our life - professional or personal.

We all have within us exactly what we need to handle our circumstances. Perhaps this means intellect. Maybe it means intuition. Could also be the heart to reach out for assistance. Coaching is a process that helps us slow down to discover what we already have that can apply to our current surroundings.

As a coach, I come ready to ask useful questions. Questions about how we operate, what works for us, and other areas that give clients a chance to assess their skills, attitudes, behaviors and habits. From these questions come profound truth and key reflection designed to give individuals a chance to drive up that embankment without fear.

Coaching is another form of GPS. Instead of supplying answers, it supplies tools. And just like any handy-person knows, giving someone a tool gives them the means to get back to work (or to life, or to love, or to peace).

Are you in a fog right now? Maybe engaging a coach is your next vital step. Vision about ourselves is crucial to handling circumstances with confidence.

Not a Time to Hibernate

I began an entrepreneurial business after I had established a workaholic mentality - committing over 60 hours a week to my career, for I answered to nobody and was willing to fill my time with responsibilities. Soon I shifted careers, opting for the adventure of creating and designing my own coaching practice vs. teaching high school. No longer was I surrounded by others who were competing for the recognition I sought. Finally I could be sole decision-maker, in charge of my own time and driven by my interests vs. someone else's schedule. Little did I know it would spin me wildly off my path of best business sense.

As any business owner does, I needed someone to bounce ideas off, to encourage me during challenging times and to hold me accountable to what I determine to carry out. But what I committed to was safety, reflection and comfort zone activity. This means I acted based on what I knew about business (which wasn't much). I stayed safe. I didn't wish to call strangers and sell myself. I didn't like to speak about the fees involved in my services, and I had difficulty influencing people to take me on without a track record of success. Yet I still stayed in my comfort zone. This was one of the deepest ruts my business was in - all based on my lack of comfort with asking for help. In theory, I hibernated.

I had some good resources around me - people who could advise me on developing a business plan, creating a marketing strategy, testing out and/or selling my services, yet I didn't feel right asking for help. Would it cost me something? Actually, it cost me more to not ask. Time - that great equalizer, flew by without my getting any smarter. I hadn't asked for help. Content that I would just figure things out, I stayed "inside", dozing away my resources.

Not until I heard a keynote speaker relate her story of asking for help from a team of strategic business associates - others, who, like me, needed help - did I realize that it isn't a deficit on my part to not know things. Others commonly experience this! But it is a huge deficit to not ask for help. In life, I have repeatedly experienced that success comes from turning to others and saying,

"Could you give me some ideas?"

This awakens my thinking, breathes new life into my decision-making and keeps me from "napping".

This realization finally led me to starting a Master Mind group of business owners who want to make changes and are willing to get vulnerable to accomplish it. After only a few short months we all saw the value - we were personally supported and challenged while our businesses began to grow into a larger dimension. We had begun applying steps after hearing other members' perspective about either marketing, personnel, strategy, business building, closing a sale or other related challenges. From these steps we saw ourselves choose either to avoid the challenge (and continue making mistakes), problem-solve through it or crash.

I have learned that business is all about gaining perspective - which to me means, starting from my own point of view and attaching others' to it. My business then moves from a cave to a clearing. I have learned to share my perspective, ask others there's, and then make smarter decisions by applying strategies that continue to use good resources.

When I'm at my best, I look about me, becoming present to who is there and how they think. When I'm at my worst, I hibernate.

It's that time of year that nature goes into hibernation mode - and I vow to avoid it! I prefer to stay strong, stay alive and enjoy the experience. But to do so, I have to connect. This intention will work if I remember who is around me and then purposefully connect with them - ask for their experiences with a similar challenge, for how they conquered certain difficulties or avoided a negative circumstance. Asking for help, and then valuing it enough to get clear about the details establishes goodwill.

Getting out of my cave is good not only for professional development. It's good for business.

Success Story: Reclaiming Energy

One of the members of the Business Owners Accountability Group recently shared a need to insert downtime into her week. She knows that any group member may agree with her challenges, share their experiences with solutions, or ask further questions. Here is a re-created version of the conversation at BOAG and the road to success established:

"Once I get home, my focus is on others. No more can I find the quiet, or take a break, or get replenished."

"What is it that takes your energy from you?"

"Oh, it's my massage clients. I book them in full days, easily 7am to 7pm, 3 days a week or so." And as she said this, I recalled her massage environment - tranquil, lavender or citrus scented, dimly lit. Pleasant music in the background. She loves her time with them and willingly gives it. Yet, long days are long days.

"The problem is," she said, "I wish I could duplicate my massage environment into a space at home. But there's no place or no time for myself once I get there."

"Is it important that you have this kind of environment at home?"

Ding,ding,ding,ding,ding....You could see an aha moment in progress.

"Oh my gosh. I could just start my day at the office earlier, or stay a half an hour later, and I'm already there, in a quiet, tranquil space just for me now. Wow. Why couldn't I think of that before?!""Just 5 hours a month is all I need," she said.

She left in such great spirits, ready to schedule time for herself, regularly, at least 5 hours a month.

This morning I saw a FB message from her - already logged 7 hours since our meeting 2 weeks ago! Not only is she replenished. Her attitude is improved.

Simple assistance is the attribute of BOAG. Huge results is the benefit. Can't wait to learn how this has impacted her relationships, her focus, her commitment to her clients and her sense of self. Business Owners Accountability Group is the answer to the entrepreneurial drive - creating downtime for your business.

Success Story: Results from a very targeted focus

17 months ago I moved to a new city. Although business still happens in my previous city - where my network is strong and the need continues - in the new I needed to get very strategic about business development.

I am a networker, realizing the value of relationship and referrals for my service-focused communication coaching business. A sole proprietor, I must ask for help from my network to generate word-of-mouth buzz and uncover needs through referral. With this help, I can spend a portion of my week prospecting/networking/marketing, another portion in client-focused time, some portion on administrative tasks and yet another on research/development. Sole proprietors know the need to make good use of our time as well as to diversify our activity to cover the priority bases.

So when it comes to networking in a new location to quickly develop relationships that lead to referral, I need a strategy. From my training with the Certified Networker program, I understand that entering a new area where I had no network posed not only a challenge, but an opportunity.

There are some key steps I use in my networking strategy that hold me accountable and focused, giving me powerful results today. I help attorneys speak with confidence, whether they are networking, working within their firm environment, business building or in the courtroom. I have spoken at 2 attorney professional associations, in sub-groups within the local bar association, within several firms for luncheon meetings. I coach several as individuals and now operate as a coach within firms. All this in the space of 17 months' focus.

My success is built around a strategy. Because it takes trial and error, some of the steps within the strategy have a less structured and some a more structured approach. Regardless, these 3 steps were vital to me.

Strategy for Developing a Business Network
1. Select a target market. With this selection, I hone a focus. Eventhough my services can apply to all industries, I can't become an expert for all industries. Nor can I create a word-of-mouth buzz in all industries. I must select one. For me this was attorneys. Like me, the majority of them are introverts. Introverts suffer the most from insecurity, especially when taking a risk. Speaking in public, let alone to those unlike us often challenge us into avoidance. With attorneys I can be an expert.

2. Select methods of networking with the target market Notice this is not about "reaching" them. This is about "connecting" with them. Reaching can be through online presence, direct mail material, email marketing programs. But connecting, actually having a face-to-face experience, is required for reaching my select market. Here is where both social media and traditional networking combine for a powerful impact.

My previous contacts in my Linked-In network were a huge resource to me. Searching their contacts in my new location, I discovered several who could intercede on my behalf simply so I could start face-to-face networking without making a cold call. When I asked them for assistance, they delivered. Prior to moving here, I had 2 months of meetings lined up.

While meeting face to face, I had a list of referral requests - not for business but for assistance. They didn't know me at all, so I knew my requests needed to be general. For instance,
a. "where do you network?"
b. "would you be willing to invite me to join you next time?"
c. "what do you know about the (target market) industry?"
d. if applicable, "where do they network?"

Once I gained exposure to networking events/options/environments, I broadened my time spent exploring. I would eventually (for me, a year) determine which environments or events to commit to. For now, I was learning/trying out what worked for me.

3. Decide who to maintain a continual follow-up with. Not all individuals I meet with will be a constant appointment. Not even most of them. One appt tells me whether there is value in friendship, target market, information/expertise, etc. If the value exists, another meeting is scheduled before I leave. If it doesn't, no need to reschedule.

My attorney-coaching practice grew as a result of three key things: Giving public speeches (number one business builder), building trusting relationships through networking, and getting referrals.

3 attorneys I met with as a result of seeing them on LinkedIn, lobbied their professional organizations for my opportunity to speak in front of them. Some of them seriously connected me within their industry to firms and/or key individuals. This came as a result of following up with them regularly - they became my referral partners.

Through networking I developed fun, energetic and serious relationships with another handful of people who either began using me as their coach or referring me to others.

In time I learned where to network, who to keep on my calendar and how to hone services especially for my target market. This continues to give me "buzz" in the attorney industry as the Go-To person for helping them develop confidence whether through their speaking or their relationship-building.

The key here, for those of us needing to build our own business, is to have a strategy. Although networking all over the place can be important just to get started, it isn't the rule of thumb. When we network all over the place, we put priorities all over the place. Which actually means - we have no priorities. We don't specialize in groups of people, we specialize in ourselves. We serve no industry, we serve only ourselves. And ultimately, we serve only ourselves by squandering all our time.

Let me know in what ways this strategy serves your target market.

Success comes from Accountability

Over the past 30 days, several business owners have demonstrated the power accountability has in helping them accomplish things they earlier had ability - but little drive - to do.

This week my focus is on the professional who made a practice of carrying his baggage around.

A man with many things on his plate, (we'll call him Frank) Frank would put out fires like the best of'em and at the end of the day, he would walk his carefully packed box full of all the projects he intended to complete to his car. He would stash it next to him, drive home and open the passenger door so he could haul his box into the house, hoping to find the energy to tackle it.

Frank was doing nothing more than dragging his baggage around. Day after day, week upon week and month upon month Frank did the same thing. What got dragged home got dragged back to the office every single day.



A self-described conflict avoider, Frank feared many things. His box full of projects was one of them. To make himself feel better, he carted it around. Yet he never really felt better.

Eventually he said "yes" to joining the Business Owners' Accountability Group I facilitate. Of course, he said yes for about 4 months prior to attending, for he couldn't get it scheduled.

Little things threw Frank. If he thought there would be a problem, he would avoid it. He knew he wanted to face his fears, yet he dreaded what it would involve. Just like that box, he kept saying yes without following through. The day he bit the bullet and went to BOAG, he learned how empowering it is to have a small group (under 7) of business owners around all talking about problems they were experiencing. When he realized he wasn't the only one with challenges, he felt better. Then when he saw the excitement others expressed with handling earlier challenges, Frank was motivated.

He told us all he would address his baggage, open it, pull out something small and complete it, every few hours in the evening. Soon he realized it was all small. It was all very do-able, and eventually he tackled the entire box in the 30 days between our meetings.

Frank is like so many other people who want to make changes but don't know how to address them. He wanted to say yes to taking on the responsibility but he didn't know how to talk to the voice in his head that was overwhelming him by the amount of work ahead. He has now begun to control himself - namely, that negative and overwhelming voice that keeps putting barriers in his path.

Now that Frank has a group making him accountable, he also has a group celebrating his successes. In small steps, Frank is shifting from a man Avoiding Conflict to one realizing that conflict is a clever disguise for a chance to prove something to ourselves.

How Do You Manage?

Many of us are entrepreneurs, or working from home, or business building and enjoy having freedom within our day. Perhaps we are out and about while networking, or we can adjust our day to handle a visit to the veterinarian, or can adjust our direction with ease because we are the one calling the shots.

And with this freedom comes the need to put structure into an otherwise unstructured environment - otherwise we get little accomplished while constantly striving to put out fires. So how do we do it? How do we focus on the important things in our day, our week and our month while juggling all the balls related to our responsibilities?

For one thing, it requires discipline.

If we have to create consistency in our processes, we must make some decisions about how to approach things for best results, then do it the same way time and again. Tracking our consistency gives us the ability to measure our results, and to see what patterns exist when we don't get what we want. This consistency is an act of discipline and focus.

I have read about a new diet that will allow me to control my waistline. In this diet I have choices about what to eat, 6 times daily. Yet once I choose, I am instructed to not deviate from these 6 menus each day, but to hold tight to them for 2 weeks if I want to see results. The philosophy is, with more choices, we make mistakes that throw us off from our desired results.

Although I love choice, I selected my 6 choices and then discovered the thrill in knowing all I had to do was committ to them to get my desired results. Discipline around a few things vs. discipline when being overwhelmed with many choices is much easier to manage.


I run accountability groups for business owners and professionals who want to report the results of their commitment to their goals. What they love about these group meetings is they get to hear from a few individuals, like themselves, who are neutral to their choices yet who care about their results. The discipline involved is showing up for 2 hours monthly to share how business has been going and help each other over the barriers to growth. Yet once each member shows up, he/she is so energized by the brainstorming and ability to relate, that the level of success explodes.

How do they manage showing up for 2 hours to work on their business when it means pulling away from working in the business? Their motivation around the results drive them to be disciplined. Consequently, once they return to their office environment, they have the energy to accomplish things faster than they would have, had they stayed. It's a win/win.

All this comes from being willing to ask for help, consistently showing up to get the benefits, and they move forward as a result.

In summary,
1. Ask for help
2. Use discipline to commit to it
3. Consistently focus on the goals

If you don't have a small group of neutral yet interested parties to help you manage yourself, let me know. We may have a spot for you.

Being stuck

I've been reading up on what motivates people and have been reminded that the more people understand themselves, the better the chance they see the potential for change.

Many of us want to be told what to do, what to say, how to respond and why. Yet if we were to be honest, we may determine that we each have the answers within ourselves to create change. What we need are the exploratory questions.

Coaching is based on a relationship between two individuals who are willing to create learning from discovery. As a coach I know that to create a working relationship and useful discovery process, I must come ready to listen, to generate discovery through a series of key questions and remind the client what they have said is important to them.

Coaching is not about being told what to do, it is not about being judged. It is about being open to discovery, to growth and to moving out of a rut.

We all get stuck. That's a fact of life. Another fact of life is that we are designed to move - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And this all begs the question,

Where do you usually get stuck?

Patterns is another fact of life. When we get stuck, we respond in any of 3 ways, based on our view of ourselves and the world. We avoid, we attack or we manage. Because we often get stuck, we fall into the same pattern of reacting, making it a habit.

If we choose to develop ways to manage instead of avoiding or attacking, we must sharpen our focus. See things about ourselves, about our circumstances, about those around us. Part of the managing is in gaining new perspective. That's where opening up enough to ask for help - to get coaching, to request accountability or to do some brainstorming - is key. Otherwise, we remain stuck.

How do you respond when you are stuck?

How is this response working for you?

#1 Skill for Public Speaking

I've been public speaking since my HS graduation day, and because I often receive positive recognition as a result, I fell into a major trap early on.

I didn't research my topic. Although I have usually stuck to what I know (yet there were those times I didn't - disaster), the message could have been enhanced for greater understanding with more up-to-date, relevant information.

It was my ego that got in the way. The "I am an expert on this topic" perspective allowed me to stand in my own way. It is actually a form of procrastination that keeps us out of integrity of speaking with expertise.

Fortunately, of late my speaking and writing is all based on things I've reflected on from others - their experiences, the books I've read, the productions I've observed, the websites and blogs I've visited. What a wealth of information there is that I don't have to come up with - simply enjoy exploring.

Research is the substance of quality thinking. It allows me to gain new perspective, yet it also encourages me to credit others. This in itself speaks to our professionalism and credibility. Thankfully, I am an my best when I reference the value of others over my own thinking. With one side note - thinking it's important to give credit to others is powerful - yeah me! This blog post came directly out of Andrew Dlugan's #1 focus on the 25 skills every public speaker should use.

Got a presentation you're preparing for? Make sure your efforts include researching your topic, even if you already know what you're talking about.

With a Little Help from my Friends

Today I gave a presentation with the Women Lawyers of Franklin County. Yes, with them. Although I was scheduled to speak TO them, I knew better than to do that.

I was brought in to help them speak with confidence. I am not an attorney. So the only thing I had to share with them that I am an expert on is sharing my story of the subject and then offering key questions. To make this happen I needed to have their engagement, so I asked for their help.

I involved them in key demonstrations and meaningful conversations, when it mattered. And all I had to do was invite them forward, ask my questions and let them respond. In this way they demonstrated what it took to speak with confidence/or not, to break down their fear/or not, and I could guide them through this discovery.

What did it take for me to do this? It took knowing when to shut up. What this really means is, asking for help. Any time I ask for help - depending on how I do it, that is - I get people eager to participate. Now it may take a moment or two, but once someone decides to help, plenty of others do as well. That is such an enjoyment to watch - an experiment in control all of itself.

By the end of the presentation, people were running into each other making their way to me to say what a great presentation it was! And I just laughed to myself because I knew what they really meant - they loved having the chance to get involved. To see others they knew well actually be up front in meaningful dialogue over things that really matter.

Yes, Merri, it does matter when you step aside and ask for help. Do it more often. Friendships built on likability and trust come from it.

Why didn't I?

James had just started the second reading when I heard..."You do not have, because you do not ask God."

He may have even noticed I sat up a bit more, leaning forward to listen, yet in the back of my mind came the plea, "Merri, you could have more business, you could do more in helping others feel good about how they communicate, if you'd only ask."

I am a communication coach - helping individuals both in presenting to groups as well as in communicating effectively one on one. Business this summer has been pretty dismal, and while I have continually adjusted my focus to the most pressing market need, there is one thing I haven't done. Turned to God for support. I coach others in business and sales to learn to ask - and this has been my own stumbling block. Quite the contradiction.

For several months we have been attending this church, very pleased with the weekly lessons, the depth of focus and the ease the minister and others have been relating to us. In our previous church back in Toledo, one of the biggest treats was prayer time. All who felt moved to contribute their concern or joy did so. At least it appeared that way from the intensity of participation. And I often shared my struggles, experiencing great relief afterwards.

Yet for some reason I have been stumbling in the Boulevard Presbyterian Church with offering my prayers aloud, especially those about business, which has been the foremost struggle in my mind. I've been restricting my participation purely from selfishness - feeling embarrassed instead of getting out of my own way, asking for prayer support and getting over it.

As the passage states, I haven't asked God, therefore I haven't received. Must I ask in public? Couldn't I simply ask from the silence of my own home, or car or head?These responses seem logical. Especially since there are another 7 days that must pass before I have the chance to ask aloud during the service. Yet it's from the humbling perspective, the one that forces me outside of my comfort zone that I will feel the relief.

I am reminded of what my spirit experiences when I am truly living up to the test: butterflies from either anxiety or excitement. Without the butterflies I am not taking the test. So now I have seven days to practice - from home and with those whom I am meeting. Ask, and you shall receive.

James 4:2 You do not have, because you do not ask God.