Getting in the Flow #2

A few things are going really well right now. One is the environment I live and work in supports my creative and reflective abilities - Getting in the Flow #1 Another has to do with how I have been expressing my purpose and value.

That expression has altered both my professional attitude and results.

What you intend, you attract

It's Friday morning - the best work day for most of us, for we see the end in sight. Chances are good it's easier to get out of bed this morning than other days through the week.

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Someone about to plod through the day? Someone ready to take it on? You see what others see, and therefore what you will attract.

The Power of UMHH.....

The spoken word is quite powerful. This has been exemplified since the time of creation - "And God said, 'Let it be' and it was. And it was good." Ever since the beginning of time we people have understood the power behind what comes out of the mouth.

Even when what comes out of our mouth isn't words - but gutteral sounds. Like "wha?", "huh?", "Ooooooh", and "umhh". Each suggests emotional response that, left unguarded and unmanaged, defy our ability to appear honest. These expressions fall out of our mouths and lend transparency to our feelings, even (and especially) at those times we seek to express the opposite.

Imagine a board room setting with major players around the table facing a solitary intruder in their space - the sales professional. Although intent on getting agreement, this sales professional has little confidence and feels out of their league. When asked to share the sales pitch, the individual stammers, "umhh" between every phrase, fighting for solid footing yet sensing only disinterest, distrust and denial from those who may actually need the product/solution yet won't agree to it. Why? UMHH has a powerful impact on listeners.

That solitary word spills out "lack of confidence". It signals emotional overwhelm, lack of preparation, inarticulate expression and therefore propels an immediate action of CLOSED listening. The more the speaker works to create trust and interest on the part of the listeners, the more the listener confirms the attitude of unwillingness to pay further attention.

Ever used the word? If so, notice the times. Perhaps your time was when you were called on the carpet for an action less-than becoming. Maybe you were guilty. Maybe you were ambushed. What first came to mind was, "Uh oh, I'm in trouble."

Maybe the time was when you were in front of a group, nervous about speaking, nervous about saying the right thing, or nervous that you don't look good enough. It's usually self-doubt moments that lead us to use the word.

Eradicate UMHH. It is a killer, and a powerful one. It stops the results you are after by inspiring listeners to not give you an opportunity. It damages your reputation, creates conflict and destroys credibility. There is too much power in that one little word that will lead to damage you don't want.

You can eliminate these outcomes simply, but not easily. This is a habit that's hard to break, but guess what? You want to break it. The first step is the hardest in this case. Instead of opening your mouth at those critical times, keep it closed. That's it. Just keep your mouth closed. Maybe it's time to continue listening. Definitely it's time to check your attitude.

The most valuable form of recognition - Communication

Over the weekend I spent quality time with friends, one I hadn't seen in years. When it comes to reconnecting with people, my first thought is, "gee, what will they think of me now?" And so as we were getting re-aquainted, it was so fun to watch the looks of surprise and discover the number of times we thought alike about our experiences.

What I didn't anticipate in this meeting with my dear friend from the past (high school!) was her sharing what she always admired about me. Gosh, such an added bonus to learn those private viewpoints, now, a good 30 years later. It just stands to reason that when we're with friends, we want to know their thoughts, as well as the impact we are making.

We humans naturally take similar thought processes with us to other life circles. On the job, this "I wonder what they will think of me?" shows up in a slightly altered way. Basically, it affects the topics of communication we treasure from those around us.

There are 3 key topics of conversation employees value:

1. Employees value getting information about their job
2. They value getting information about their performance
3. They value getting information about how the company is doing

When our boss is clear about their expectations of us, this gives us a baseline to follow. Additionally, the more they share about the mission of the dept/company, about the values represented and strategies used to approach them, the further along we are in being oriented into the history and everyday production.

Speaking to these things is one thing. What really communicates is actions. My first boss when I was a high school teacher was a principal who carried smiles on his face, words of positive encouragment and letters of praise. He loved the teaching staff and proved it through his actions. He had a quick sense of humor vs. a quick sense of rage. He was at ease with the women as well as with the men, showing his progressive leadership style vs. the "good 'ole boy" manager. Ron was a quality leader - one who communicated his values through his actions.

Words, actions and then a variety of visual aids supplement what is important to us. On his office walls hung pictures of his family, motivational sayings and pictures of his staff. When we walked into his office, we felt at home. We only had to look at his walls and we saw what he thought of our performance. Yes, we all want to know not only what we SHOULD do, but how well we are doing. Ron was quick to inform us through specific conversations, through words of praise, through observation of special moments and through debriefing after challenging times. We got this information in multiples - and that makes a difference.

Not only did Ron care enough to let us know how we were doing, he cared enough to let us know how the school district was doing. This impacted our focus on future goals, on budgets for our school activities and accounts and it helped us understand the day-to-day priorities. Being kept in the loop contributed to his staff's trust of him - and it showed that he trusted us as well.

Ron didn't have the resources to give us monetary recognition in a sizeable way, yet it wasn't necessary. He gave us what was most important - trusted communication.

Since then I have learned that leaders who listen are leaders who when speaking, will have the full attention of their audience. Their willingness to be quiet, to really tune into those around them, to enter a space in order to observe vs. in order to be observed, is the sign of a quality individual. They develop curiousity. They attract notice and they make an impact. If there is anything listening is second to, it's positive communication.

Positive communication sets the tone for the environment. Letters of appreciation, phone calls of support and face to face recognition are proof there has been an investment in office relationships. These leaders would be willing to call new hires at home prior to their first day as a sign of welcome and anticipation. They would share letters of praise from clients/customers/community about direct reports. They would encourage open or anonymous questions and guarantee responses.

Thinking, actions AND words create the space for an environment full of recognition. Evaluate where you are with your communication. Most of us have someone we can recognize who is deeply interested in our perspective. Who is that for you?

What it Actually Means When We Give

I remember crying when I first read the book, The Giving Tree. In Shel Silverstein's classic way, this story unfolded with such fluid unravelling of child-like spirit.

Been awhile since you read it? It has been for me. Yet a few images I recall are how the fully mature, brightly green-leaved tree became a stump. All for the good of one individual, proving how much the tree loved that human being. And proving even more how it loved so much that it willingly gave.

Yes, I recall wanting to share that book to the children at the church I attended. And when I wasn't given the permission to read it during the Children's sermon, I realized how little the church ministers valued themselves.

There is a direct correlation between how we give and our perception of self. Either we fear our value is limited and we are stingy, or we value ourselves (our thinking, our beliefs, our support structure and our actions)enough to give well to others, either of our gifts or talents, or we give them freedom to take some control from us.

Strong value of self leads us to act with trust. On a daily basis, how do we demonstrate this? Do we agree to meet others in their own terms? Do we listen despite an apparent difference of opinion? Do we approach with courage our tasks? Do we forget past experiences with those around us enough to start fresh today?

I know my answer - I often act showing fear vs. trust. Yet I see how this really communicates more about my feelings about me than my feelings about others. Were I to relax into the moment, to listen with openness, despite my concerns, I may discover more possibilities. I would come across as trusting, and I may even feel confident as a result.

What it actually means when we give - similar to Shel Silverstein's Giving Tree - is that we have faith in how we can react. In Silverstein's book, the tree didn't always inspire worthy reactions from the young boy it was sacrificing for. But ultimately, that young boy/man/crippled sage devoted his heart to his friend. The tree held a strong resolve in long-term investment.

What does it actually mean when We Give is only second in importance to What it actually means when we Don't Give.

What if you heard this...

So you're being diligent within your career. You've committed years of your time, your focus and your energy to a particular field of study and set of talents. You burn the candle at both ends. And part of what has given you the successful edge is your willingness to ask for feedback.

You check in as you position yourself for a sale. You check in thoroughly before taking on a new project. You debrief after projects are completed and you continually seek feedback from peers on best practices.

You are a visionary, strategizing toward your end result with plausible goals, taking steps to achieve them. And you are ready to reach for that next level. So you ask a key question of those you're serving:

What can I do better?

Answers cater to the insignificant yet customer-centered tweaking common to many service providers. And then comes another:

If there is one thing I would suggest, it is to be more businesslike.What followed was an assortment of examples, many solid and logical.

What would you do if you heard this?

Like most of us, you may first consider the source and then determine the appropriateness of the comment. Secondly you may question the meaning of the word "business-like" and compare it to the frame of reference of the source. And then you may even give thought to the ways becoming more "business-like" can enhance your value for others.

All emotions aside, you asked for feedback and this is what you got. Feedback, that source of information that without asking for you may not have heard, is some of the most important pieces of information we use to grow by.



Hopefully what you do next is become more businesslike.

Moments of Decision

Yes, I have OFTEN wanted to be guided by divine intervention. I just didn't want it to come from God!

Hoping for a bronze bullet or wand from the willows or secrets from the sublime, I have wanted an inside track into the magical moments of Millions! If the 8-ball could deliver the answer through a floating die cast behind a crystal window, I would pick it up right now. Just don't let anyone catch me using it.

Decisions must be made. Should I like Curly or Moe? Eat now or later? Rent or buy? Take a risk or stay safe? That's actually the bottom line - do I take the risk?

Moments of decision all come down to, is it the right answer? And what if it isn't? Will others make me feel bad?
Will I make me feel bad?
Can I handle it?

Today someone I was with shared he is at a turning point. For guidance he asked me, What do you think?

Granted, it's good to get perspective from neutral points of view. And when asked, I work hard to stay objective. This means keeping in mind what is important to them and measuring choices against that. All from my perspective.

What he asked me is a step better than "God, please make the 8-ball accurate." In that case, the one praying is actually saying I don't care what you think - make sure the other source is giving me good wisdom.

Looking a bit deeper at this, we see something more poignant suggested:

I don't care what I think. What do you think.

My friend really does care what he thinks. He cares so much he wants to be validated without analyzing the information for himself. He has been side-stepping responsibility. In essence, Swinging for the Fence, without approaching the plate. He talks a good talk but has taken little action toward the result.

Today my friend, who is very similar to me in some areas of my life, made the decision to stay the course as opposed to switching to Plan B. Period. And in that moment of decision he picked up the bat. Now that he is putting it on his shoulder, he is heading to the "whole". In the past, he only picked it up moments before he was "up".
There is a sequence he will follow to stay responsible.

In the hole, on deck, batter up. Each phase brings with it a discipline, strategy and willingness to do what it takes. All this was being put off before he made the decision to commit to his plan. There was no "in the hole" work to get himself in the mindset of managing his focus and remembering his value. There was no "on deck" work to review the lay of the land and find the key signals to observe. And there was no "up" time to translate anxiety into excitement, concentration and action.

Moments of Decision ready us for the work ahead. Putting them off wastes everything, especially the base hit, let alone the ability to assist another runner's advancement. Who is dependent on you? What are you willing to do about it? How will you demonstrate this right now? And finally, what base will it get you to?

Walking Away

Recently I read a line out of Kathy Reiche's book, 206 Bones:

Sometimes we walk out on our lives.

I read it out of context, so I can only guess at what she meant since I don't know the details. Yet I found it a profound statement. Enough to reflect on and put out there.

There have been a number of times I can personally attest to walking out on my own life.

For one, I quit teaching after my 16th year to start a coaching business. I had schooled in education, specifically English/speech/communications/theatre. I had many years of practice under me and became fairly good at it, yet chose to walk when I realized something else was calling me. Life as I knew it was now about to end. I wouldn't get a regular salary, benefits, the 3-month vacation. I also wouldn't be grading piles of papers, writing lesson plans and corralling teenagers into a form of classroom management.

Another time "life as I knew it" was replaced with something else is when I spent 8 weeks in the Catskill Mountains studying with the National Shakespeare Conservatory. A summer experience during my teaching career that changed my understanding of "education" forever. Although I earned 19 credits for the experience, since it was a professional theatre conservatory vs. an academic environment, I would not see the usual upgrade in my salary. I saw no upgrade.

That experience, one filled with professional growth, higher learning, meaningful experiences and immediate applications to how I would direct and coach others - that experience showed me the slanted ways we measure growth. It showed me the illogical thinking of value.

For years I had been advised to get my master's degree so I could continue to increase my salary. Although I was teaching English, I didn't want a masters degree in it. I was invited to get my masters in teaching methodology or curriculum development. I didn't want one in those areas either. What I wanted was a masters in theatre or the performing arts. One in directing or performance. But they required a 2 year's leave of absence which I couldn't afford. What I could afford was a scholarship never before given to a HS teacher from the National Shakespeare Conservatory in Manhattan. And what I learned upon my return from that summer study was that although it changed the way I connected with my students and how I performed on stage, it didn't matter to those who offer forms of recognition. It would not change my salary.

WIthin 5 years I walked away from teaching in search of a new way to live and to connect with the world around me. It's not always good to walk away. Nor is it always easy. It is often embarrassing, or demeaning, sometimes even painful. But in these cases of my life, at these times when I was searching for more meaning and for the truth of what is important, I walked out on my life and am glad.

Get out of bed!

Remember the last time you couldn't wait to get out of bed?

Was it because you were off to an adventure? About to recieve an award or honor? Had new clothes to wear? Finally heading out for a vacation?

Getting out of bed gets easier and easier when fun is attached. Our brain is charged with emotional buzz which awakens us, then engages our brain and then our feet start walking. Nothing like hitting the floor running!

If our regular days had fun, if our brains were regularly charged with emotional buzz, what then? How often would we hit the floor running, anticipate adventure, sport new smiles and grins and quickly fly out the door?!

Tomorrow I'm heading out of town to Miami FL, and I know I won't need to hit the snooze. I will eagerly take on this adventure. I love the water, can't wait to visit the awesome hotel overlooking both downtown Miami and Biscayne Bay. Although I'm traveling for work, I also get to play. I can't wait!

Any day that gives me adventure, that helps me laugh, grin and feel great is a winner. So often we forget the joys of life and seek comfort. Although comfort and joy can be a part of the same experience, it usually isn't. Joy is based on moving forward, on seeking next steps, on getting out of bed!

As you set your alarm tonight, consider: Do you want to frown or do you want to grin? If grin, then get out of bed!

In a Slump?

Here it is the day after a long weekend, and if you're like me, you forgot something big time.

You dragged your tired butt out of bed (not because you didn't sleep - you did), after hitting the snooze 3 times. You grumbled about the early hour, the desire for more sleep and then you slowly got over it. Slowly.

All weekend you enjoyed hanging out, reading good books, mingling with friends and drinking a few brews. You got to bed early, sometimes even napped. Yet still your tired butt was slow to respond to the weekday alarm. What's this about?

Yes, the above is all about me. No doubt you were better than that. No doubt you heard the alarm and it had only ring once to get you up and moving. No doubt you smiled, stretched and said to yourself, "YES! I finally get to be responsible again!"

Okay, so that was tongue-in-cheek. The point is, maybe you didn't forget what I forgot.

The way to begin the week is with the end in mind. That pulls me up, straightens my back, adjusts my eye level and gives me a shot of adrenaline I don't usually get when starting my work week.

When I don't control myself, I forget to focus on what I've already done and how excited others were when I completed those things. And when I forget to focus there, I also forget the enthusiasm that goes with doing it again. When enthusiastic, my head is up, my pace is quicker and my mood is bright. But without this focus, I go into self-doubt, hesitant about my action plan and resistant to moving forward. My head droops.

See comic again.




Comfort zones suck us in. And if we've been there for awhile, they really start to cement around us. Like my weekend. I am usually a workaholic, yet last weekend I did little activity - and comfort sucked me in! I took the opposite extreme. Whereas, (gosh that sounds like legal jargon) had I simply reviewed my successes from last week - article someone wrote about me for the Cleveland Examiner, the announcement that a local business networking group is honoring me for the month, my prospects that sought me out and the upcoming appointments I have for this week, I should have flown out of bed.

Tonight I am starting a new practice. Before reading in bed I will review my successes and what I'm anticipating. I can't afford to waste time any more. I don't have 1000 years ahead of me to live my purpose. All I have is today. All I have is right now. This hour. This moment. No more putting things off.

Hold me accountable to this one, readers. By this weekend I will see the time I used was on controlling myself. I will face those emotional triggers in my head that force that voice saying, "You don't really have to follow through with that step yet" into the back depths. Instead I will say, "Get it done!" I will be motivated. I will notice that it takes even less time to accomplish more. And I will enjoy seeing the results.

June will have many appointments, 4 new clients, 2 new speaking engagements, and so many opportunities I will simply have to turn some down. I will get to be selective.
Then when my alarm rings I will arise with gusto knowing I get to be in control of my own life, my own business, my own opportunities.

Goodbye to slumps and hello to Pogo Sticks!

Is Communication Coaching for me?

Most people have no idea what to expect from a communication coaching experience. Some wonder whether it's for those who are required to speak in front of groups, or whether it's for leaders, let alone for those who want to improve relationships, focus or a better understanding of themselves.



Consider the following questions and how you may respond to discover whether communication coaching will break down those barriers you want broken down:


1 When you are scheduled to speak to a group, are you at a loss as to how to prepare?

2 Has your speaking fear grown into speaking anxiety no matter what the environment or event is?

3 Is your challenge in how to handle "off-the-cuff" responses?

4 Do you sense that you need to simplify your technical information? Do you want to learn how to edit your material - when everything seems important?

5 Is influencing others, especially key people, your challenge?

6 Do you want to learn how to easily adjust and adapt to feedback?

7 Do you want to be wiser about how you impact people so you can tweak habits accordingly?

8 Do you need to learn how to condense a talk when your time is cut short?

9 Want to learn how to handle tough conversations?

10 Want to manage the voice in your head?

11 Have others asked you to slow down or speak louder?

12 Would you like to be one of those people who walk into any room with presence and confidence?


These are the most common questions clients have that bring them to coaching. If three or more of these relate to you, then you are ready to ask for help, to create a breakthrough for yourself and to generate behaviors that lead to confidence whether in handling tough conversations, presentations, that voice in your head or the relationships around you.

And when you take action around coaching, you are in the top 10% of individuals who actually follow through with what they most desire. Congratulations!

Email Merri at merri@bdbcommunication. We can get started right away.

Difficult Conversations

Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, some conversations are just difficult to have. Although an introvert may find this to be the case more often than his/her assertive counterpart, the truth is, sometimes any of us could be at a loss for words.

I recall a great number of times when I struggled with conversation - all having to do with being honest. Not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, I would rather tell a white lie than speak to someone's faults, errors or inadequacies. Likewise, I had difficulty pointing out my own mistakes, especially when around those I knew well.

All of us are fairly good at communicating. We listen, voice, encourage, discern, account, question, connect, engage, articulate, inform, seek and understand. Yet when any of three key triggers grip us, we stumble.

The triggers are

when we think others will disagree

when our emotions are challenged

when we perceive risk escalating

At these times we will either handle the conversation well (at times this is the case), we will mishandle it (often the case) or we will avoid it entirely (at least a third of the time).

There is no one thing to keep in mind to improve our responses. In fact, moving from avoidance to participation and from mishandling to handling well requires us to do several things.

1. Manage yourself
Doing this means it's okay to you that you make mistakes. You know lessons are learned this way, and as long as you follow through with the appropriate apologies and honest while supportive feedback, you can let yourself be a work in progress.

2. Use objectivity
Let information be information. What is true to one person may not be true to others, yet what is true to them should be validated. Although your emotions may be engaged, focus on facts. This isn't about backing down. It's about discovery - and that moves people forward.

3. Influence others
When people like and trust us, they allow themselves to be influenced by us. On the most basic level, respecting them can move them to like or trust us. What will it take for us to respect them before they even respect us? This step is critical to anyone in leadership as well as to those wanting influence in other circumstances.

With these steps also comes the need to frame conversations well, to be accountable, to plan in advance and prepare to connect well with your audience. Difficult conversations will always stretch us. Yet what we hope comes from them is practice, good experiences, respect and true appreciation for others.

Someone's Out to Get Me

Lately I've been reading Nobel Prize-winning book, The Appointment, by Herta Muller, Romanian-born author who writes of characters living during the Romanian dictatorship.

A chilling tale of many flash-backs with well-written, poignant first-person narrative, the work echoes with characters living out of fear.



There is a time when the main character shares a horrifying discovery to her friend Lilli of a narrow package in her purse containing a human finger with a black nail. Through this she implied someone was out to get her.

Unmoved by the tale, Lilli retorts with a experience something along these lines: Once I bought a jar of pickles which I ate in 2 sittings. When I stuck my fork in the jar to pull out the last one, clinging to the fork was a dead mouse. Do you think someone was out to get me? No. Anyone could have bought that jar of pickles.

Lilli lived her life as though she had something to gain. Her friend was the opposite. Daily she saw the things she had to lose, suspecting folks around her while amplifying her own dismal circumstances.

Many of us today, in our own country, our own city, our own homes live life with Fear in the Driver's Seat. We hold ourselves back by focusing on the What If's. The look in our wild eyes or slanted, questioning visage tells the world our tale. Someone's out to get me.

It isn't that life has given us lemons as much as the fact that we chose to squeeze their stinging juice into already opened cuts while running away screaming. So of course we are confirming that someone's out to get us. It's us.

Re-evaluating Structure

What works for you?

Pretty broad question to ask, especially without first asking, what do you want? When I think of what I want, I uncover things that are in opposition to each other. Here are my 2 main things: Peace, Fun.

With peace I feel at ease, unhurried, in-the-moment and rested. Fun brings to mind many opposites - speed, adventure, thrill, planning for a specific outcome.

I still want both. Life brings us experiences that both fit our nature and test it. Challenge is what we all crave, even though it requires risk, endurance, difficulty and emotional involvement. It gives us life!

Peace gives us a way to reflect on life, after we've had the challenges. They work together, yet if not seen that way, if we don't evaluate how they work together, we will quickly dismiss them as not being able to exist together. We will question the need to plan, when being in-the-moment feels more natural. But then, we will bore easily.

How is life working for you? When I answer this question, I see the many days when my structure is supported by my need for fun. I push, I plan, I gruel through my days in the hopes that I get the results - the chance to enjoy life! I forget about the days of non-structure, for peace and reflection. Forgetting this, I then tend to question the value of my time spent with rigor.

Funny, huh, how when we re-evaluate the structure that works for us, we may see the beauty of the inconsistency. And then understand its value.

Anxious Movement

Steps in the hallway, around the coffee pot, outside for a smoke, into a cubicle for whispers. Anxious energy leads us further away from the most important tasks at hand.

I can't do this. It doesn't feel right. I'm not any good. Why me?

These comments leave our lips or infect our thinking and before we know it, the energy within us - digging away at our psyche - furrows deeper ruts into habits that make poor use of our resources. Time is squandered, emotions are drained and our useful energy has been wasted.

We all have energy within us to do whatever we have to do. It pumps our blood that fuels whatever level of physical, emotional and mental activity awaiting us. And just like so many natural resources today, we waste it.

Pacing, fidgeting, eating, drinking, fighting, peeling out of parking lots and shouting expletives. Unfocused energy which can no longer be contained, leaks out. Because our bodies must move. We must do. We have a natural flow that requires motion. When we resist, avoid, balk and hinder, we give our nervous system few choices in how to cope.

Is this the way to be? Sloshing, waving, in turbulence? Out of focus and uncontrolled, it's not a manageable existence. Step one of managing ourselves is determining what steps need to be taken. And you've guessed it, step two is taking them.

No more sloshing, avoidant behaviors. No more excuses. Take the steps. Enough said.