Worry isn't worth it's energy!

In the past I would have stressed to have a week like this, yet this week has been exhilarating!

Yesterday I had a very important group meeting with one of my clients intent on teambuilding, despite the internal issues crippling the tone of the work environment. It was day 2 of my teambuilding process with them, the day they knew to expect issues to be deeply explored. Last week while finalizing my focus and outline, I felt concern for how people would react. The first week there was a lot of "acting out". Eventhough I have to let people be who they are and demonstrate their typical habits, I didn't want more problems to surface.

But I decided to relax into it, show flexibility with time and topics and have faith that we would uncover what needed uncovered. Sure enough - that's how it turned out. As people left, they left feeling the meeting was productive, that people had had their say, that issues were addressed, people were owning responsibility and progress happened.

I think it was because I didn't push. I didn't try to do too much - I let people have the time to interact as they needed to. And since I told myself that's what would happen, I let it.

Worry isn't worth the energy! It's so much more productive and refueling to have faith in your strategy. That's what happened today as well. I addressed the Ohio Women's Bar Association. This group was open, positive, eager to hear more and had great participation. It was so unlike I had originally imagined them. Yet I realized that they were RSVPing in large numbers - more than typical - because the topic was of interest. So today I told myself to relax into it.

As it turned out, again it worked.

In the past I would have over thought both of these instances, giving too much information, stressing that I wasn't qualified for what was needed, and then living out the self-described prophecy. Not anymore. I've learned worry isn't worth the energy.

With a Little Help from my Friends

Today I gave a presentation with the Women Lawyers of Franklin County. Yes, with them. Although I was scheduled to speak TO them, I knew better than to do that.

I was brought in to help them speak with confidence. I am not an attorney. So the only thing I had to share with them that I am an expert on is sharing my story of the subject and then offering key questions. To make this happen I needed to have their engagement, so I asked for their help.

I involved them in key demonstrations and meaningful conversations, when it mattered. And all I had to do was invite them forward, ask my questions and let them respond. In this way they demonstrated what it took to speak with confidence/or not, to break down their fear/or not, and I could guide them through this discovery.

What did it take for me to do this? It took knowing when to shut up. What this really means is, asking for help. Any time I ask for help - depending on how I do it, that is - I get people eager to participate. Now it may take a moment or two, but once someone decides to help, plenty of others do as well. That is such an enjoyment to watch - an experiment in control all of itself.

By the end of the presentation, people were running into each other making their way to me to say what a great presentation it was! And I just laughed to myself because I knew what they really meant - they loved having the chance to get involved. To see others they knew well actually be up front in meaningful dialogue over things that really matter.

Yes, Merri, it does matter when you step aside and ask for help. Do it more often. Friendships built on likability and trust come from it.

What does it take?

Quiz for the day = 3 key questions.
1. What's the hardest you ever worked towards a desired result?


2. Was it worth it?


3. What does it take to get what you want?








In this morning's 9am call I was on the phone with a client who is in the midst of his busiest season of the year: tax season. As a CPA, he knows to expect working 65 -70 hours weekly for at least 6 weeks up to April 15. Of course there are those who will need extensions filed, yet for the most part the pressure of that yearly deadline is off.

His strategy is to stay disciplined, purposeful and avoid distractions. And it's been tough. With 10- 12 hour days he deserves a break, which sometimes includes drinking with friends in the evening. Obviously the next morning he regrets this choice, yet he's not focused on tomorrow when he makes this decision. He's focused on the now - taking the edge off.

After a few mishaps, my client is now ready to refocus, reclaim his discipline and through it all, feel better about his accomplishments. That's the ultimate goal - realizing he is in control of himself. And with that realization, seeing value in who he is.

A few minutes ago I was on Facebook, where I saw one of my friends (Thanks Deborah!)focusing her status on being grateful for Good Friday. "Without Good Friday, we can't enjoy Easter," she said.

Of all days, today is the day to revisit what it takes to get what we want. Wow - huge motivation! Tonight we celebrate the ultimate sacrifice - giving one's life - for the good of others. What a selfless act. What does it take for us to sacrifice at that level?

For me, it's tough to be out of control. I want to be in the know, a part of the plan, a voice that's heard, and then I am willing to follow through. What did Jesus get? Was his voice heard before the plan was created that ended with his life on the cross for the good of those who didn't even care about him? No, and the thing is, that's what makes the act so beautiful. Self-less.

Today, as I ask myself, "What's the hardest you ever worked towards a desired goal?", my answer is, "Not hard enough."

As I ask myself, "Was it worth it?" I realize it is always worth seeing what I can do for the good of the people - ultimately it is also good for me.

So this leads to, "What does it take to get what you want?" forgiving myself for past stumblings, recommitting, and moving forward purposefully. Thank God.

Avoiding the Tough Questions

One of the things I used to do is keep my head low. This helped me feel nobody could see me, or at least couldn't engage me. Because I hated answering questions. Normally daydreaming, I seldom gave much thought to things. Consequently, I usually felt insecure with my thoughts and chose to avoid any and all questions so my intellect could remain undisclosed.

Today I not only enjoy handling questions, I ask them, especially tough ones. There are no better conversations than those started with tough questions. Meaningful exchange takes place. Individuals probe. Clarification, example and stories get told. Digging deep in conversation helps us discover our mental abilities.

Yet, most people avoid this type of exchange. At home, at work, in social circles, conversation stays superficial while most of us work to avoid the tough questions. Maybe we're simply asked, "How are you?". Maybe we're asked to take on a responsibility. Perhaps somebody pops the marriage question or maybe someone asks us to buy something.

We use avoidance techniques such as changing the subject, bowing out of participation, simply saying "I don't know", or not answering the phone or door. All at once social anxiety takes over and avoidance kicks in.

What's at stake if participate? What's at stake if we don't?

Most times we choose avoidance out of fear we can't handle what is about to happen. We under-value self - if not our intellect, our ability to handle the situation. Our ability to stay calm and focused. All because we are afraid of being embarrassed. And somehow the embarrassment of responding poorly is a bigger fear than the embarrassment of not trusting ourselves.

How did I ever get out of the avoidance habit? Surely, sometimes I probably still respond this way, (usually when asked how I am, for I never want to dwell on that)yet for the most part, I realize that whatever I'm being asked to discuss will be handled one step at a time. The more I accept the moment and hang in there, the more I learn. Not only about information that comes to me, but also about my capacity for focusing on the difficult while listening and asking for more information. Usually that helps me if a decision has to be made.

And if there's anything else I can do to handle tough questions, it is anticipating them, preparing my responses, and then letting life take its course.

It's the right time

I've been rehearsing with a new band, preparing for an upcoming music festival in Toledo Ohio where the focus is on women and the arts. Three of the songs are original works, with one of them called It's the Right Time - written by the band leader, Lisa Binkowski.

That song focuses on doing the right thing, making a new start and my additional take on that is how we address the people in our lives. Color that thought with the notion that I am in Toledo to work with a new set of folks on teambuilding, a group who in majority are willing to move forward, yet is making very little progress due to the emotions of two key individuals.

I can't blame them. They are feeling personally attacked. They want respect, understanding and more time to share their thoughts yet the bottom line is, people are tired of the issues between them and want to move on.

That delicate balance, the area between moving forward with sensitivity and staying put to hear one another out, is so individual-sensitive. Similar to a family's grieving process while mourning the loss of loved one, someone is always ready to move on before others are. So what do we do?

When we aren't the "instigators" of issues yet are connected or involved in some way, we tend to push. We suggest solutions, hoping they take us up on them, NOW. Our desires become either insistent or passive aggressive. Even when we don't push, we hope solutions happen quickly, so we don't have to wonder how to behave.

It's hard to let go. Yet it's the right time to do so. Especially when we've voiced our support, heard enough to understand the need, and for ourselves, resolved to move forward. It's time to make a new start - for ourselves.

What you focus on is what you see.

John is an amazing attorney with a highly credentialed resume, yet he's been without work for a year. Repeatedly he entered interviews like a JD first enters the legal system - only focusing on the ugly past while fearing the result.

When he and I met, I knew who he was without asking his name. I observed his body language. He was the one with "not good enough" written all over him. Downcast, slumped posture, unsteady focus, nervous movement. He was the one who was thinking, "I need help".

John could benefit with a lesson on focus.

Once John lost his job, he went into a slump from doubting his own abilities. The most highly skilled and qualified candidate most recruiters clamber after, John just couldn't sell himself. Some told me he didn't communicate well. Actually he did. He communicated everything he was thinking. What he thought, he focused on, and he got. Failure. Because he communicated to others that he felt miserable about himself.

My goal with our meeting was to shift his focus so remembers his value. He has talents as well as key skills to support challenges that come his way - in this case, the anxiety of the interview. Yet, until he focuses on his value, he won't benefit from having it. Nor will others. One of John's strengths is his commitment to his clients' welfare. And although those people are in need of his help today, he can't help them. His focus has been on his lack of success, his inadequacies and the concern that maybe he didn't have anything of value to begin with.

In simply one hour his body language changed and his speaking pace picked up all from a focus shift. By the time our one hour meeting ended, John was eager to line up more interviews.

I wonder how others could benefit from this. What do you see?

Caught on the Blind Side

Tomorrow is March 15, best known in Roman history as the Ides of March. That time during which we hope the winds not howl and the black cats not prowl in our paths.
It's the time historians tell (especially through William Shakespeare)us Julius Caesar was forewarned to not trust those close to him, all the while he kept his right-hand man, Brutus, greatly trusted and admired friend, as close as possible.

And as fate would have it, Brutus, that man the gods smiled on, was instrumental in bringing about Caesar's downfall by contributing to his (back)stabbing. Caesar's wife warned him, prophets warned him, the heavens set the stage for this and yet Julius Caesar - though guilty of being ambitious - was the one who trusted Brutus, and when facing his dagger, was most shocked his best friend had been swayed to deceive him. Caesar didn't see it coming.

Tomorrow is the Ides of March. See it coming. And then determine, is it better to trust or to fear? To see hope and goodwill, to know that despite the design of evil, good endures? Is it better to die hoping or to live in despair?

Enjoy the day. It's the only day this year to historically turn the tides of the Ides of March!