Unexpected Gifts

Eventhough my reactions may vary, I enjoy getting gifts, whether expected or not. When the gift is expected, (birthday, holiday, achievement, formal recognition)there is heightened anticipation of what level of choice the giver has made on my behalf. Is the gift personal, pertinent, whimsical, monetary, extravagant, sensible, etc. So when I encounter the moment, levels of anticipation compound through my experience.

Once the Package is opened, will I approve of the choice? I would hope that regardless of the gift, the giver's intention is of primary importance. Yet I know myself enough to be critical of the selection, which means sometimes I am worse off than before I opened the gift if I momentarily hope for something in particular and then end up with an unrelated, maybe less than desired result.

There are even times when the gift is so extravagant I feel guilty. What's that about? Actually, I think it's about my unwillingness to be extravagant with my resources when it comes to myself that I am just as cheap when giving to others. Very telling awareness. This awareness has lately led me to consider other perspectives on human behavior.



Our level on Maslow's hierarchy of needs determines our reaction to unexpected gifts. Or at least that's my understanding of human behavior.

Depending on what level of needs we personally attribute to ourselves, we respond in willingness to give to others. For instance, those of us simply eeking out an existence will be downright basic in our response to a monetary gift. If we are handed a $20 bill, we will either seek to accomplish a basic need (food, shelter, sex, etc.) or buy a comfort we would otherwise not afford (dessert, alcohol/liquor, toy,etc.) Regardless, our focus is on ourselves, since so far we view ourselves as without priviledge.

The higher our view of our own priviledge, the quicker we respond with willingness to give to others. So let's say we are given the same $20 and this time we feel our basic needs are met and so are many of our psychological needs. Now we may turn our focus to giving the money for the good of those around us. Our enjoyment shifts from spending on us to spending on others.

The more we feel confident, respected, accomplished the higher our frequency of giving.

Recently I was recognized as an expert by several business professionals and highly rewarded with given the opportunity to travel on someone else's expense account while being paid (well) to deliver a quality service. At first I wanted to share in this travel with my partner Kim, and then realized I should never expect the client to endorse that expense. Suddenly it dawned on me I could definitely afford to provide this treat for someone else, so I decided to offer the trip as an early birthday present to Kim.

What a gift the giving was! For her it suddenly validated her value when I shared my interest in sharing the opportunity. For me it told me I am finally growing up. I can cause someone else to enjoy a gift. Although my business efforts have been focused over 10 years, I haven't often seen the reward. Now I do. It's in the giving.

When unexpected gifts come my way, I respond based on my impression of where I stand on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. The higher I stand, the better my response will be. This tells me I must continue the drive toward both psychological and self-fulfillment needs. That allows me to truly receive gifts by giving.

'Never Feeling Good Enough?'

'Never Feeling Good Enough?'

Bumping into the world

I ran into a basket pole on the school playground when I was 12 and smashed my glasses. Yet the alarming thing to me was immediately afterwards finding half my front two teeth still stuck to the pole. Ouch. Oh, were my parents going to be upset.

Walking home from school afterwards my mind was in a whirl around how I would broach the topic. Yet all I needed to do was walk in the back door with my glasses on and see the look on mom's face. Then I grinned sheepishly and mom almost fainted. The remaining teeth weren't pretty.

It seems I've often spent my time bumping into the world. That day it was simply because I wanted to practice "catch" before an upcoming softball game, yet knew the field was muddy. So my friend and I tossed and caught on the playground. I forgot where I was when I took off running backwards, watching the overhead lob, and then smashed into the cement pole on the BB court. I guess you could say I was stunnned.

Simply because I let my emotions get a hold of me. I am an "in the moment" responder to life. My spirit soars when I live fully in this way, yet often I bump into the world because I haven't thought things out in advance. After years of being that way, I eventually entered a very adult life with a strategy.

Strategy took me a long time to understand. Today I have learned the need to be objective about facts and perspectives yet balance it with passion around acting on them. It's a constant balancing act for sensitive, people-focused people like me. Yet without this balance, life experiences could lead me to believe that I'm out of focus, even fragmented from all the emotional peaks and valleys.

Today I still bump into the world, but now I look for the bigger picture more often. And if I've forgotten to, I remember to calm down, pick up the pieces and study the lesson. I get a lot of them.

Cleared for Take-Off!

When sitting in a plane while on a runway, I enjoy awaiting the time when the captain breaks through the din of chatter around me to say, "We've been cleared for take-off. Please be sure your seatbelts are fastened." I almost always break into a grin, anticipating the surge forward.

A similar feeling overcomes me when I've let myself relax into tense circumstances, especially after I remind myself that I only need trust that I can handle a situation and then it happens that way.

Recently I had two instances of this while coaching. The first was a group scenario that included going deep to uncover some sensitive information. My old self works to avoid tough conversations, either by not going there or by cramming the moment full of information to steer conversation to the palatable rather than the meaningful. Yet when I'm focusing on the impact I want to make instead of the comfort I'm seeking, my mind is clear and I'm able to navigate through the otherwise cloudy circumstances, encouraging hopeful possibilities to open up.

Such was the case with the group above. When I sat back, relaxing into the moment ahead, I had clarity. My focus was sharp and I could be fed the information I needed to help the group resolve its issues. And this happened without stress - with blue skies seemingly ahead.

A second case is when I approached a circumstance new to me in my coaching. A gentleman asked for guidance in helping him renew faith in himself. Having lost many things in his life recently, he decided it was finally time to ask for help. The new piece here for me was in helping him find his value, for he truly lost it. While approaching this client, I just let my past old processes go, telling myself I must be open to the moment, open to letting him talk. From this approach I hoped whatever I needed to respond to while helping him would become clear.

It did. Relaxing into letting him share, helping him clarify things he really wanted to simplify was the key, in this case. I saw what I needed to see and he walked away with something concrete. Consequently, I walked away once again renewed in the belief that we were lifting off - simply because I didn't get in my own way, nor in his.

Can't get started for the wall

This morning I met with a great guy who gives so many people a golden smile, warm support and gentle friendship. Yet he can't get going for the wall.

His values are commendable, his heart in the right place but when it comes down to it, he has mental barriers that block the progress he tries to make on several professional levels.

In his head is the presence of an overwhelming weight of ridicule. It acts like leg-irons gripping his best intentions. From his feet to his limbic center of his head is the resounding, "You aren't good enough! You will screw up!" This holds him fast to his spot while his desire is on success. What predicament.

He thinks and he thinks and he thinks and he thinks....

Mostly what people do when in this mental state is recall their struggles, their faults and their failures. Eventually they need to mask the emotion through drink or physical aggression. And this leads to beating up on themselves, which is something they assume everyone else already feels like doing to them as well, so it's a personally justifiable action.


He wants to advance, to get past the mental block, but he doesn't see his value. He keeps saying, "but,...".

I had a client from the past who was very similar. His answer to most questions was, "I don't know" and then he would ridicule himself. The few times he smiled was when making himself the butt of his own jokes and hoping I agreed.

Ever feel this way?

Dying is Easy. Living is Hard.

Every day we are tasked with the option to Live or Die. It's tough to swallow, but usually we choose the red pill. We choose to Die. Because taking the green one, the one that gives us life, SEEMS boring. Or hard. It's easier to do little, to pull the trigger, to give up.

At the Emmy Awards the comedy team pictured below demonstrated the difference between comedy and drama. Drama had the woman holding on to the gentleman in an embrace. Comedy had the man dropping her. He simply gave up. Let go. He wanted to create a scene - and while doing so, the audience, his comedy team partner and others all sent him on the Death List. Although it appears the lady was dying, she only had a bruise. He had to recuperate from a dismal fall from grace and respect.

Days I hold back, those days when I don't want to get bruised, I do myself more harm than good. Staying quiet, choosing inactivity when what is most important is action or voicing something meaningful kills progress. Dying is easy. Living is hard.

Living takes decision-making. And then living up to it. Choosing activity and behavior that supports our decisions. Living requires effort. Survival, health, responsibility, relationships of support and finally self-actualization. Living requires being purposeful, focused.

Dying is easy. What's the cost? Is easy worth it?

Connect the dots...

Sometimes it is so logical, that you wonder why others don't make the connections you do. And then there are other times we scratch our heads and say, "Why am I doing this?"

About a month ago I had a referral from a friend of mine, so I met with a young marketing director from a legal firm. He was willing to learn about my coaching attorneys in behaviors of confidence. One area he agrees they struggle in is connecting the dots - getting outside their typical "research" behaviors to network, seek business and build referral relationships.

Not only was this a no-brainer for me to meet him, it was for him, too, as he saw me as a conduit for his ability to connect more effectively to those within his firm while he guides them in effective networking and marketing practices.

Today I met with a lady (Linda Watson)who has simply made a practice of not eating alone. In town once a week for client work, she regularly lines up a young professional to eat with so she can support them in their connections. She and I met through LinkedIN about a year ago and have remained in touch simply out of her desire to be of help, eventhough we're the same age.

What I expected to be a relationship-building, fun occassion became that and then some. She took it to the next level with supporting my efforts in finding new presentation audiences. Immediately she recognized the value of my work and began giving me ideas. Although I didn't question our meeting, I didn't see it's full value coming. Fortunately I kept it on my schedule and kept an open mind to just go with the moment.

In this case it required I see the networking puzzle as something more than a simple case of logic. Linda is a marketing director of an out-of-town accounting firm - what possible business contact could she be for me? Well as it turns out, she answered that for me (without my asking, of course).

She found the way to connect the dots in her network with the ones in mine, zigging here, zagging there, despite my target market. Instead, she saw a need and proposed it.

I like drawing outside the lines - creating designs that aren't logical. And that's what happened during today's luncheon. I was open to meeting with her, for whatever reason, and she was open to finding a connection, in whatever way she could.

Like she said, "Once people start talking, there's no telling where they end up. It starts with simply saying, Hi."