Could you just quiet down?

We introverts have an internal meter that automatically kicks into gear in public spaces. It is a mechanism that alerts us to behavior insensitive to our temperament - when people are too loud.

I live in a loft downtown Columbus. Like most public housing, hallway noise and noise within the units are apparent to those around me. So out of respect for the other residents, most of the time I keep my noise to a minimum.

I soften my walk on the hard floors, slow down activity in the kitchen when handling pots and pans, am cautious of drawer and door sounds. Talking out loud is usually handled in my "6-inch" or personal space voice.

All this behavior supports my need for quiet, so in reverse, I suspect there are others like me who appreciate the same standards.

Whether we are early-morning or late-night people, there will be the times when noises will escape us. But within a few minutes, I can tell whether someone is respectful of those around them or not.

If not, that's when the common courtesy question is handy to use:

"Excuse me, you probably don't realize I'm having difficulty hearing/sleeping/working with the noise in your area. Would you please lower the noise level?"

No, people will not read our mind. Yes, we can influence others' behavior. When your internal noise meter goes off, wait to see if the noise level persists. If it does, speak up and ask for quiet.

Introverts, Tip to Make the Conversation Easier

One of my clients, an extrovert in many ways, has difficulty with owning authority. Like most of us, she doesn't want to appear too pushy, so she naturally defers to avoiding some useful conversations. A common situation for most of us, this avoidance leads to her having some complicated situations with direct reports.

When she shared the situation with me, I asked, "Are you willing to have a conversation to address this with your direct report?"

"Well, I know I should, but I don't want to come across the wrong way."

How many of us can relate to this?

For us introverts, the constant voice in our head asks the question, "What will they think?", especially when we are facing a difficult conversation.

Meeting Management Requires Interruption

We introverts struggle with injecting ourselves into conversation. In earlier posts I have focused on meeting participation. Today let's focus on how to guide the conversation when you are the meeting facilitator. Not a smooth task, yet one that requires both courage and calm to interject and set the tone.

Do you wait for the lull before interjecting?
Many of us prefer this, for it allows us to feel we are respecting conversers. However, we who run meetings see how quickly things steer off-track. If we were to wait for a lull in conversation, we may be disrespecting the meeting's intention and structure, offending those who wish we would just get the focus back on track.

Instead of waiting for the lull, interrupt.

How to interrupt:
1. Ask for the segue.
"I think I’m missing something here, can you explain how this relates back to..." and then fill in the track the conversation had steered from.

2. Seek permission.
"Do you mind if we stay focused on [the topic at hand] for this discussion?”

3. Use body language.
I might put my hand out or even stand up, indicating it’s time to pass the conversation on to another individual. Usually this requires saying as much as well.

4. Simply state the need to get back on track.
"Thank you for that, (give person's name). Now let's move on to...."

There is no need to apologize for directing the conversation. As soon as we begin apologizing, we have shifted the focus again. Keep things moving forward with the confidence that it's important to do so. Most people appreciate it.

Meeting managers who guide conversation

• respect others' time
• respect the focus of the meeting
• demonstrate their willingness to lead

Aren't these values of the introvert? Push forward with the interruption!

Get the Power

Yesterday I had my second meeting with my mentor, a powerful relationship which started just two weeks ago. Going into the meeting I was excited, for I remembered the feeling I had at the end of our first meeting. At that point I was thrilled.

My mentor, Jim, had given me a way to focus what I was already doing into a system which would make my business so much easier. I immediately went to work on refining it, sent him my system and heard constructive feedback.

In the meantime, Jim send me the focus for our second meeting. I couldn't wait for the second meeting. And just as I had anticipated, the second meeting proved just as thrilling. Again I have homework that will benefit my focus and business.

When we are on our own trying to figure things out, we come really close to getting it right. We know what we want and like scientists, we test out several ways of getting it. Yet that feeling of self-doubt affects us introverts, so our motivation is weakened which slows down our progress.

We need fuel that powers us into action and keeps us motivated in our efforts.

One element of my fuel is my master mind group. This collection of business owners is a support team, an advisory board and a team of cheerleaders all wrapped into one. With monthly meetings in a defined agenda, each of us offer our newest successes and challenges for discussion. From this we get discusions that create synergy we leverage for solutions toward our success.

The second element of my fuel is my mentor. From my mentor I get weekly guidance on circumstances I am addressing and systems to support the strategy.

My personal fuel tank runs dry quickly when I rely only on my own perspective with my ideas. But the fuel additives of my master mind group and mentor keep me running with a power that eases me into focus which sustains the long haul.

If you don't have that kind of power, get it.

Introverts, Now Make Something Happen

I really love introverts. We go deeper and get more involved in the meaning of and importance of things than others do. Yet sometimes we forget to do something about it.

I've been there, too. I pour myself into a topic, sit for hours in front of my laptop doing the due diligence, make notes, get excited about my thoughts and ideas and then find my legs start jumping up and down. It's at that point that I know it's time to do something about what I've learned.

It's time to act.

Introverts can Go for the No, Plan for the Yes

In a Leadership for Life course, I was once given instruction to see how many times I could ask a question that could be answered by "No".

"Get 10 No's a day" was the recommendation. Really?? I hate it when people say NO!

Many thought this bizarre - why would we want to ask questions that seek a "no" response?

Aren't we better off playing toward the "yes"?

But I knew exactly where this was going - I could sense it based on who I am.

I hardly ever asked questions that could potentially get "no" answers. Those were too uncomfortable. My introverted experiences with getting "no" shut me down. Just thinking about this made these huge vibrations go off in my brain - "You can't handle NO!"

So when this course instructor said to get 10 no's a day, I realized that was the best advice I could get for stepping out of my comfort zone, eventhough I hated it.

I began asking silly things of waiters - "may I have more water?" soon was followed with "could we have more rolls, too?" "Would you please divide up our checks separately?" and sometimes, "could I get this reheated?"

As I asked these questions, I felt  more authority.

I asked the questions with a smile on my face. In my intent to get 10 no's, I was getting only yes's. I couldn't believe it.

Then the asking transferred into my business dealings. "Would you be willing to make this connection for me?" "May I attend that networking event with you next time?" and then slowly I began making the bigger asks - "Based on what you want in communication support, does this fit with what you have in mind?"

I felt fully alive. Suddenly, like when I stand backstage before I perform with my band - I felt expectation and hope when sitting with a prospect. I loved it. I didn't know how the situation was going to turn out, but I knew I was prepared to accept it. Will they say no?

If so, I am that much closer to achieving my result of seeing how far I can go. But this was my business. Do I risk asking these tough questions? If so, I am leading. I am purposeful.

Can you relate?

If you can, it's hard for you to ask for the sale. It may be hard to get a co-worker to assist you. It may be hard to delegate or to pick up the call to seek an appointment.

Desensitize yourself by seeking No.

Although you don't plan to get the no, plan to ask questions that you otherwise woudn't ask for fear of getting no. Simply asking while desensitizing yourself from the fear.

Try it for 7 days - get 10 no's a day. Let me know what happens!

Believe or Don't Believe

On Easter Sunday, our minister made a startling point.

"It's not my job to convince you of anything today. Either you believe or you don't believe. But I am here to tell you what this day means to me."

And on he went with a series of stories about what it means to have Jesus with him on a daily basis.


Like Pastor Tim, I am not here to make believers out of anybody either - whether from a religious, a sales or a social issues perspective. All I can do is tell stories about what I believe in. And in my case, I believe it's worth it to believe in the gifts I have been given, - whether I'm an introvert or not - enough so that I speak up in timely ways.