A Right, A Risk, A Reward

This week on Harry's Law, Harriet's "security" director tipped her in the possibility of gang warfare in her neighborhood. His intention was for her to close up shop for awhile, so nobody got hurt. Of course Harriet had another idea. Force the gangs to meet her that evening so she could mediate the issue and resolve the issue responsibly. All in true Harriet style.

This collective bargaining method - bringing all parties together for a facilitated conversation around the issues of conflict - is a right of law-abiding citizens, yet it is a right many avoid. With it comes the possibility of escalated emotions that many of us are afraid to navigate.

This risk - navigating through heightened emotions - is one that is common to everyday life. From childhood into and through adulthood we grow in our practice of handling our emotions for the sake of being responsible while building relationships with those around us. Sitting down with those who have differences of opinion is an adult practice, that although risky, brings reward.

In Harry's Law, it brought closure on whether a gang member could date someone from the opposing gang. It brought closure on the value of a car. It even opened the discussion on handling gang members who decide to terminate their membership. Was it easy? No. Are most things worth having easy to come by? No.

Yet the reward for opening ourselves to honest, challenging conversation is actually several things: our personal satisfaction in having managed ourselves in a higher, honorable way; the ability to problem-solve while gaining mutual agreement; and the sense that everyone involved has been given the chance to say what they want to/need to say.

Open communication is a challenge. Yet it is a challenge that adult, responsible, emotional and respectful people take. And it is worth it.

Overcoming Personal Agendas

I just finished reading a post from Geoffrey James's blog on Sales and Marketing called, Top 10 Reasons Marketing Hates Sales. As James stated and described the challenge of each of the reasons, I had to laugh. These reasons aren't to be pigeonholed to only Sales folks and Marketing folks. They are so true of the agendas of folks with "seemingly" opposite or diametrically oppposed interests.

Starting with the most basic agendas, we can reasonably suggest there are times kids and parents have different agendas. The parents may operate to limit the boundaries of the child while the child operates to expand and explore those stated boundaries. Consider the male/female perspective. Whether the agendas are based on equality, authority or talents, similar push-pull tendancies exist.

When taking these agenda issues to the professional environment, we tend to function based on covering our weaknesses and discovering others'. Trust is the issue. Yet the most productive, trusting and enjoyable relationships, as they challenge one another, celebrate one another and push each other to exceed are those who are willing to let go of their own agendas.

Letting go of our agendas allows for discovery of what's been missing from our own perspective. It opens our eyes and gives us awareness. The key to letting go of our own thinking and intention relies on the simple question. What do you think? This question allows our responder to inform us. To give us a chance to observe them in action. To gain from their experience. And for those of us who are truly using an attitude of curiosity, we may dig deeper with Tell me more.

Typically those we may use these prompts with are people we enjoy. We slow down, dismiss our thinking and let our companion's minds become transparent. Consider doing the same with those we are challenged by. What would we gain? Probably the first thing is their surprise. And then quickly comes their thinking. So exhaust their thinking. Explore it. Then align the conversation from their end with seeking permission to explore your own thinking. Most often you'll be given it, especially after being so giving of your own time to listen to them.

In time, our agendas begin aligning and we discover the similarity, the need for team approach and the nudge in our own head of, "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"

Grab Baggers

This week I met with a skilled professional who values the art of public speaking, and then in the same breath announced to me that he won't plan his message before he speaks.

Grab bagger is what I said to myself. Grab baggers are presenters who basically speak off-the-cuff, allowing any version of conversation to stear the next point he makes. Grab bagging is one of at least 7 major speaking barrier patterns that produce audience reflections of, "Well she was nice" or "Was there supposed to be a point to this presentation?" or "Did I miss something?" or "Did the original speaker bow out at the last minute?"

This speaker may begin with a question or two for the audience, yet since this conversational element (when well-done, is extremely engaging) can bide time, it hooks the speaker into a pattern of relying on the audience to drive the presentational content. It is the act of a lazy presenter.

Even without audience involvement, the grab bagger may string together a number of points in a topic that are loosely related, expecting that is Good Enough for what is expected on the topic. Without structure and a solid flow of where the points are taking the audience, the presenter has just lost credit with the discerning audience.

Listeners aren't grouped simply to hear a person talk. They want to get something out of the presentation; actually, they'd prefer to get several things. Discerning and professional audiences appreciate the structure of a speech as it lends to new perspective on cause and effect, or appreciated strategy while learning techniques that support it. Audiences like to be given #'d points of assistance, as in "7 ways to turn around a chaotic moment".

Grab baggers haven't given themselves time to prepare. Prepare your speech. Know what specific focus you believe this particular audience will appreciate, how they can possibly benefit from it, what their challenges may be with it and tips in implementing. Create a carefully chosen gift for the listeners. Otherwise, close your eyes and grab at someone else's party.

The Power of UMHH.....

The spoken word is quite powerful. This has been exemplified since the time of creation - "And God said, 'Let it be' and it was. And it was good." Ever since the beginning of time we people have understood the power behind what comes out of the mouth.

Even when what comes out of our mouth isn't words - but gutteral sounds. Like "wha?", "huh?", "Ooooooh", and "umhh". Each suggests emotional response that, left unguarded and unmanaged, defy our ability to appear honest. These expressions fall out of our mouths and lend transparency to our feelings, even (and especially) at those times we seek to express the opposite.

Imagine a board room setting with major players around the table facing a solitary intruder in their space - the sales professional. Although intent on getting agreement, this sales professional has little confidence and feels out of their league. When asked to share the sales pitch, the individual stammers, "umhh" between every phrase, fighting for solid footing yet sensing only disinterest, distrust and denial from those who may actually need the product/solution yet won't agree to it. Why? UMHH has a powerful impact on listeners.

That solitary word spills out "lack of confidence". It signals emotional overwhelm, lack of preparation, inarticulate expression and therefore propels an immediate action of CLOSED listening. The more the speaker works to create trust and interest on the part of the listeners, the more the listener confirms the attitude of unwillingness to pay further attention.

Ever used the word? If so, notice the times. Perhaps your time was when you were called on the carpet for an action less-than becoming. Maybe you were guilty. Maybe you were ambushed. What first came to mind was, "Uh oh, I'm in trouble."

Maybe the time was when you were in front of a group, nervous about speaking, nervous about saying the right thing, or nervous that you don't look good enough. It's usually self-doubt moments that lead us to use the word.

Eradicate UMHH. It is a killer, and a powerful one. It stops the results you are after by inspiring listeners to not give you an opportunity. It damages your reputation, creates conflict and destroys credibility. There is too much power in that one little word that will lead to damage you don't want.

You can eliminate these outcomes simply, but not easily. This is a habit that's hard to break, but guess what? You want to break it. The first step is the hardest in this case. Instead of opening your mouth at those critical times, keep it closed. That's it. Just keep your mouth closed. Maybe it's time to continue listening. Definitely it's time to check your attitude.

Ice Breakers for Introverts

It's the new year, nearing the end of the first week of business. How are you feeling about where you're at?

Some are reflecting on what profession they're in. Or where they're at in it. Or whether they're taking action in effective ways that will bring them what they want. What about you?

If you're at all anxious about the actions you're taking, I can relate. I'm an introvert, so that means I will keep to myself to stay within my comfort zone. Yet I will quite often feel anxious because I am limited in my own perspective, experiences and strategy, and because I keep to myself, I don't quickly make changes, even when I want to. I may not know enough to move forward and gosh darn it, I probably won't talk about it. Unless someone like me, who can relate to how I feel and operate, can advise me to effectively create a plan, prepare and practice the actions I need to take.

Let's not get overwhelmed here. For when we introverts are overwhelmed, we slow down, procrastinate or go into that endless spin mode of blank stares. I simply need a plan. Creating a plan requires I know more than I currently do, so I need a good resource. Now, a habit many introverts fall into is doing internet searches to discover whatever information we want. On the one hand, sitting at our desk allows us to feel safe. The bad part about this online search is it isn't motivating. Our motivation for using the information we discover, if it comes from our own efforts, will tend to hold us back. Here's why. Soon we begin to doubt ourselves or doubt the source we discovered. What we need is another form of motivation - another person.

One value of opening up to people, to gaining their insight/experiences/intelligence and then to harnessing their energy, is we can't turn back. We are motivated. Get it? We must have a conversation! Whether you want assistance in creating a plan and implementing it while discovering another profession or for becoming more effective in your current one, this meaningful conversation cannot happen fast enough.

Herein lies the need to use ice breakers - to start a conversation with someone. For the introvert, I suggest starting the conversation with someone you know, because introverts need to gently slide into this. One of the biggest challenges is to plan how to start the conversation - whether over the phone, face to face, through email or through a third party. The easiest approach for an introvert is through email. So start there. Within the email we could state our intent to follow up with a phone call in a certain number of days - which keeps us accountable to following through.

But since email is the easiest starting point, here is a simple approach:

"Hey John/Jane,"

Start with an opener that addresses something recent they can relate to or something you know they've been through lately. "I hope your holidays were good for you/How is the new year looking for you?/I know you've been involved in a major project, how did it go for you?"

Continue by shifting the focus to something recent about you. "I'm giving thought to broadening my career focus/to finding some new strategies for being more effective with my responsibilities and would appreciate time with you for some brainstorming."

Close with a call to action. "I'd like to treat you to coffee/lunch so we could take 30 minutes/an hour to do some brainstorming, and of course to learn about your holidays/new year/project. I will call you in two days to discover your interest in this, or feel free to email me at your convenience before then."

Once we've bounced ideas off a handful of folks and have tweaked them or been inspired by their new ideas, we can begin the plan we need for ourselves.

The hardest part is starting - so break the ice.

Next post will look at breaking the ice with strangers while networking. Yes, even introverts network. Some do it better than others, even feeling good about their efforts once they leave. This starts with having ice breakers to use!

Talented, Good People Fail

One of the areas I excel in is listening. Yet my ability to focus for lengths of time has been weak, and my desire to please is high. What this creates at times is a wandering state of paying attention while smiling to encourage the speaker in continuing, leading me further and further out of touch.

Talented, good people fail. As my listening skills have led me to great opportunities, my focus and thinking skills have often held me back. What I know today is, while I have created a comfort zone of barrier patterns that hold me back, I have since learned to break down those patterns for one particular reason: to speak and behave with confidence.

Good people fail. And because I vowed in the year 2000 to help those, who like me, want to feel better about themselves at the end of the day, my purposeful focus is to help good, talented people get back on track.

Although I work with many attorneys, attorney or not, here are their similarities: they are highly valued employees, they are succeeding in their positions but clearly could be more effective in them, and/or they are being groomed for positions at the very highest levels. Helping people achieve speaking confidence is the key to helping people work to their highest potential.

Do they need to listen better? Be more aggressive? Talk less? Be more direct? Own up to their mistakes? Business psychologists James Waldroop and Timothy Butler (The 12 Bad Habits That Hold Good People Back, published 2000) understand these skills as key to developing behavior patterns that work for us. They also know which ones hold us back. These emotional triggers are listed below:

1. Never Feeling Good Enough
2. Seeing the World in Black and White
3. Doing Too Much, Pushing Too Hard
4. Avoiding Conflict at all Cost
5. Running Roughshod over the Opposition
6. Rebel Looking for a Cause
7. Always Swinging for the Fence
8. When Fear is in the Driver's Seat
9. Emotionally Tone Deaf
10. When No Job is Good Enough
11. Lacking a Sense of Boundaries
12. Losing the Path

Although it's more inspiring to focus on our strengths, without focusing on the patterns that hold us back we prohibit our development. If I want to improve in my ability to exercise routinely, I may set a goal to go to the gym 3 times weekly. Yet if the pattern that holds me back is Never Feeling Good Enough, I may start to question why I am even attempting the goal. Soon, I will slide from 3 times to 2 times, and then I will eventually give up.

My efforts at development are a sign of my "good person" status, yet I will fail until I understand AND break down the barrier patterns that hold me back.

What I tell myself (similar to the 12 attitudes above) is what I end up telling the world around me. Break down the behavior patterns and I begin to change my worldview, manage myself, influence others and speak with confidence.

What it takes to be a tree

Yesterday I read a tweet from the author of Be a Tree, a presentation pointer. Wonderful advice about how to come across as though you stand for something. Here is some of what he said:

Stand still as a presenter. Get your weight on both feet. Balance yourself. Do not stick one hip out like a pop singer. Instead, be the tree. But do not sway. Stand as if you are guarding something sacred, as if you stand for something important. Then, after holding this position for a reasonable time, move to another spot and stand still again. Stillness and movement is very near the crux of any performance art.

Sorry, somehow I lost the author of the post. Yet with my background in theatre and my current focus in presentation, I applaud how he illustrates the quality.

One of my clients has experienced the difference between waffling around ideas and how to express them and in being solid and practiced in her ideas, language and movement. She feels an incredible boost in confidence as she stands with purpose, sharing an idea and its illustration, then moving into her next point, ending with purpose on a thought.

I recall the time I was auditioning for a role that many contemporary actors would call an "actor's dream" part. The Guys was Harvest Theatre's new focus in 2006, the 5th year anniversary of the tragedy on Twin Towers and the many engulfed in fatalities. The show features the captain of the fireman unit that lost all their lives during the rescue attempt. Also filling out the cast is the journalist he partnered with to write all the eulogies he would have to deliver.

The journalist role is meaty - rich, dramatic, funny and real. During auditions I had a wealth of experiences to call on as I stood in front of the casting committee. Unfortunately, I didn't simply stand. When many of us are before a group and not hiding behind a podium or desk, we tend to fidget or pace or gesticulate like crazy. That's what I was doing. And in that process, my voice was loosing control. Not to say that I was screaming - instead I was underselling the script because my body was overselling it.

The director said to me, "Let's try this again. Stand solidly, without movement and take it again." Immediately I understood. In my second attempt I got connected to the monologue. The words had depth, the moment had meaning and I got control back. It worked - for I not only ended up with the part. The performances were rich and true. We learned how to move as well as how to stand and deliver. We were trees.

It takes a few simple things to be a tree:
focus, energy and trust

Certainly with focus we understand the "through-line" of our message. We know the set-up, the connection to the audience and the end result. This doesn't come to us immediately. It takes time to play around with the message enough to clarify where we're going. Then the delivery requires feedback, or at least the observance of people's feedback. Focus is the first step in becoming a tree.

Doesn't it sound odd that it also takes energy? Well it does. One cannot hold themselves solidly without breathing deeply and often. Mental alertness is jazzed with energy. Similar to singing and holding a note, the ability to hold a stance is "rooted" in the energy it takes to stay solid. Mentally we must pump up ourselves for the effort. Relax and the tree-like properties sag.

Amateur speakers seem to believe they are hampered by not trusting the audience's reactions to them. It's actually just the opposite. Those we must trust when speaking or performing is ourselves. We can handle it. We can still ourselves in the moment and create an engaging connection. When the other two properties are mastered (focus and energy), trust is a ready quality.

Tough times require being a tree. Whether on the phone with a customer, whether talking in front of a group or whether performing a rehearsed production, plan and practice focus, energy and trust. Prepare to be a tree.