Avoiding the Tough Questions

One of the things I used to do is keep my head low. This helped me feel nobody could see me, or at least couldn't engage me. Because I hated answering questions. Normally daydreaming, I seldom gave much thought to things. Consequently, I usually felt insecure with my thoughts and chose to avoid any and all questions so my intellect could remain undisclosed.

Today I not only enjoy handling questions, I ask them, especially tough ones. There are no better conversations than those started with tough questions. Meaningful exchange takes place. Individuals probe. Clarification, example and stories get told. Digging deep in conversation helps us discover our mental abilities.

Yet, most people avoid this type of exchange. At home, at work, in social circles, conversation stays superficial while most of us work to avoid the tough questions. Maybe we're simply asked, "How are you?". Maybe we're asked to take on a responsibility. Perhaps somebody pops the marriage question or maybe someone asks us to buy something.

We use avoidance techniques such as changing the subject, bowing out of participation, simply saying "I don't know", or not answering the phone or door. All at once social anxiety takes over and avoidance kicks in.

What's at stake if participate? What's at stake if we don't?

Most times we choose avoidance out of fear we can't handle what is about to happen. We under-value self - if not our intellect, our ability to handle the situation. Our ability to stay calm and focused. All because we are afraid of being embarrassed. And somehow the embarrassment of responding poorly is a bigger fear than the embarrassment of not trusting ourselves.

How did I ever get out of the avoidance habit? Surely, sometimes I probably still respond this way, (usually when asked how I am, for I never want to dwell on that)yet for the most part, I realize that whatever I'm being asked to discuss will be handled one step at a time. The more I accept the moment and hang in there, the more I learn. Not only about information that comes to me, but also about my capacity for focusing on the difficult while listening and asking for more information. Usually that helps me if a decision has to be made.

And if there's anything else I can do to handle tough questions, it is anticipating them, preparing my responses, and then letting life take its course.

It's the right time

I've been rehearsing with a new band, preparing for an upcoming music festival in Toledo Ohio where the focus is on women and the arts. Three of the songs are original works, with one of them called It's the Right Time - written by the band leader, Lisa Binkowski.

That song focuses on doing the right thing, making a new start and my additional take on that is how we address the people in our lives. Color that thought with the notion that I am in Toledo to work with a new set of folks on teambuilding, a group who in majority are willing to move forward, yet is making very little progress due to the emotions of two key individuals.

I can't blame them. They are feeling personally attacked. They want respect, understanding and more time to share their thoughts yet the bottom line is, people are tired of the issues between them and want to move on.

That delicate balance, the area between moving forward with sensitivity and staying put to hear one another out, is so individual-sensitive. Similar to a family's grieving process while mourning the loss of loved one, someone is always ready to move on before others are. So what do we do?

When we aren't the "instigators" of issues yet are connected or involved in some way, we tend to push. We suggest solutions, hoping they take us up on them, NOW. Our desires become either insistent or passive aggressive. Even when we don't push, we hope solutions happen quickly, so we don't have to wonder how to behave.

It's hard to let go. Yet it's the right time to do so. Especially when we've voiced our support, heard enough to understand the need, and for ourselves, resolved to move forward. It's time to make a new start - for ourselves.

What you focus on is what you see.

John is an amazing attorney with a highly credentialed resume, yet he's been without work for a year. Repeatedly he entered interviews like a JD first enters the legal system - only focusing on the ugly past while fearing the result.

When he and I met, I knew who he was without asking his name. I observed his body language. He was the one with "not good enough" written all over him. Downcast, slumped posture, unsteady focus, nervous movement. He was the one who was thinking, "I need help".

John could benefit with a lesson on focus.

Once John lost his job, he went into a slump from doubting his own abilities. The most highly skilled and qualified candidate most recruiters clamber after, John just couldn't sell himself. Some told me he didn't communicate well. Actually he did. He communicated everything he was thinking. What he thought, he focused on, and he got. Failure. Because he communicated to others that he felt miserable about himself.

My goal with our meeting was to shift his focus so remembers his value. He has talents as well as key skills to support challenges that come his way - in this case, the anxiety of the interview. Yet, until he focuses on his value, he won't benefit from having it. Nor will others. One of John's strengths is his commitment to his clients' welfare. And although those people are in need of his help today, he can't help them. His focus has been on his lack of success, his inadequacies and the concern that maybe he didn't have anything of value to begin with.

In simply one hour his body language changed and his speaking pace picked up all from a focus shift. By the time our one hour meeting ended, John was eager to line up more interviews.

I wonder how others could benefit from this. What do you see?

Caught on the Blind Side

Tomorrow is March 15, best known in Roman history as the Ides of March. That time during which we hope the winds not howl and the black cats not prowl in our paths.
It's the time historians tell (especially through William Shakespeare)us Julius Caesar was forewarned to not trust those close to him, all the while he kept his right-hand man, Brutus, greatly trusted and admired friend, as close as possible.

And as fate would have it, Brutus, that man the gods smiled on, was instrumental in bringing about Caesar's downfall by contributing to his (back)stabbing. Caesar's wife warned him, prophets warned him, the heavens set the stage for this and yet Julius Caesar - though guilty of being ambitious - was the one who trusted Brutus, and when facing his dagger, was most shocked his best friend had been swayed to deceive him. Caesar didn't see it coming.

Tomorrow is the Ides of March. See it coming. And then determine, is it better to trust or to fear? To see hope and goodwill, to know that despite the design of evil, good endures? Is it better to die hoping or to live in despair?

Enjoy the day. It's the only day this year to historically turn the tides of the Ides of March!

Judgment of the Good

Although this parable wasn't something new for me to focus on, hearing it explained the way James shared it today (see James' blog here on my site for the March 14 lesson video or blog upload), especially after having gone through some family challenges just recently reshaped my thinking and really hit home.

It is so easy for me to hear the telling of the Prodigal Son story while I focus on the poor decisions of the wasteful child. Thrift and decency has been major themes in my life, influencing my ability to compare myself harshly to those who have much and care little for budgeting. They get harsh criticism, not me, in fairly transparent means.

How can they show such disregard for the value of the dollar? All my life I've worked hard to earn little, giving with discrimination, for I must wisely choose how to divide my earnings. Blowing through a bundle isn't going to happen, especially when I chastise myself for blowing through $20.

Whether my feelings come through because of what I say or from how I act (often refusing gifts, not offering to cover costs for someone else, spending little or counting my cash), most people can tell I'm in judgment when money is concerned.

And so we come to the Good son in the story of the Prodigal. His father has welcomed home the one considered lost. Family and servants are dancing and singing in response. And this pisses off the elder, the one who is good, who didn't ask for his inheritance early, who stayed home - as George Bailey did - for the good of those around him. He is responsible, shows concern for others and where did that get him?

In his mind, he's been slighted, or better yet, slandered. In his face is all the effort he has put into his choices and the recognition is greatly missing. "Hey wait a minute," he may be saying. "Where's mine? What about me? When do I deserve credit?"

Better yet, "Have you forgotten what my younger brother has done?"

The judgment of the good is harsh. That brings me to my knees.

Kept me awake!

Last night I was reading my typical fiction book (espionage thriller) when the distraction of my newest public library find kept calling to me. On my bedside cube is a copy of the book, The Mind at Night. The story line of my other book couldn't hold my interest as much as the desire to pick up that book calling to me, so I gave in and switched.

Reflecting back, I realize that one of the themes of The Mind at Night addresses how our brain at night works on what we chose not to focus on during the day. So no, I didn't end up dreaming about the book I wanted to read - instead, I started it!

Written by a journalist who has been following psychoanalysts of late and comparing them to those who made focus on dreams so captivating initially, Andrea Rock writes in a compelling style. While she addresses highly technical topics, she does so by telling stories about the dream forerunners and pointing out why they were so passionate about their work.

I've only started the book, yet I didn't want to turn out my light to sleep last night. It wasn't that I feared what my brain would do, or that I would motivate certain dreams to begin. It was simply because I wanted to keep learning more about the brain when conscious and the brain when unconscious.

The test will be to see if I can awaken directly after REM sleep, remember my dream, immediately compare it to what I've been reading and get better at understanding myself! Or if I can't do all that, simply enjoy the book.









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Small Talk

As we approach another weekend, I'm reminded of a networking coffee I had several weeks ago when I used easy small talk and was rewarded with business!

As many savvy business networkers know, building relationship is the key to connecting effectively with folks in business. Small talk is a step that gently builds relationship. One of the easiest entries into small talk when a weekend approaches is to ask, "What are you doing this weekend?" Or when a new week begins, starting with "How was your weekend?"

I sat down for coffee with a political campaign advisor to be introduced to a consultant friend of his and innocently asked, "So how was your weekend?" Without a beat he responded, "Good, it was calm except for Sunday, when I had a meeting with one of my clients. Oh,I wanted to ask you if you'd consider working with him. He could use your presentational coaching."

There you have it. Within 3 minutes or so the coffee turned into a business opportunity which has since become a sale. And just so you know, I didn't keep the conversation on the potential sale, but I responded with interest and the desire to learn more later, which pleased him. Then I brought things right back to small talk.

Using the power of connecting with folks is the key to disarming tension, unlocking opportunities and building profitable relationships of mutual interest. There is nothing like it. If you're in business, the referral prospects is the easiest to close as well as to work with, for they like and need you before you even meet them. They've been referred by someone they already know, like or trust and they come into the opportunity wanting to solutions vs. wanting to stand in judgment.

Connecting with folks requires relaxing. This means being flexible with someone's communication style, listening to what's on their mind and being open. It involves not only getting to know them but letting them get to know you. The more they like being around you, the better the chance you will build a relationship that leads to social, personal or business connections you truly appreciate.

So enjoy small talk. Use it. Get to know people and let them get to know you. What comes from that open exchange uncovers personalities that attract and amaze us. What a way to enjoy the people around us!

What Impact?

Last night we watched the dvd of Amelia, capturing the courageous expeditions of Amelia Earheart, aviatrix. Since it stuck to the historical record of what happened to her, there was no surprise about her final attempt to fly around the world. Obviously she and her co-pilot were left for missing after their communication system failed. Yet it left me thinking, "wow - I really admire her courage and determination".

Her overall impact was based partly on how she intended to live, partly on how she related to those around her, the message she shared with women and also on what she focused her life's work on.

No wonder I spent the rest of the night engrossed in the impact each of us makes during our lifetime.

Sometimes we forget, like George Bailey, that we are impacting people around us. We treat people around us like we treat ourselves, and deal with responsibilities in a way that demonstrates our confidence or lack of it. In the meantime, we are impacting those around us by our attitudes. We may not realize how we have boosted somebody's day, lifted their spirits, given them a role model or a new lease on life. Simply because we persevered.

When it's not all about us, we focus on the world around us. When we aren't so caught up in our own opinions or beliefs, we may also learn from those in our life.

What impact do you want to make? Do you want to help? Then notice how others are helping. Do you want to serve? Then notice the service of others. Do you want to show courage, demonstrate commitment, make a difference? See that of others.

Intend to see what you intend to do. Amelia did. Eventually George Bailey did also. When we purposefully go about our days, not just with a personal plan but one intent in observing others, we reflect that purpose. This has been my lesson in life - to reflect what I see, not just what I want. I still haven't learned the lesson, so I state it here, in the company of others, to be accountable to it.

What impact do you want to make?