Can't get started for the wall

This morning I met with a great guy who gives so many people a golden smile, warm support and gentle friendship. Yet he can't get going for the wall.

His values are commendable, his heart in the right place but when it comes down to it, he has mental barriers that block the progress he tries to make on several professional levels.

In his head is the presence of an overwhelming weight of ridicule. It acts like leg-irons gripping his best intentions. From his feet to his limbic center of his head is the resounding, "You aren't good enough! You will screw up!" This holds him fast to his spot while his desire is on success. What predicament.

He thinks and he thinks and he thinks and he thinks....

Mostly what people do when in this mental state is recall their struggles, their faults and their failures. Eventually they need to mask the emotion through drink or physical aggression. And this leads to beating up on themselves, which is something they assume everyone else already feels like doing to them as well, so it's a personally justifiable action.


He wants to advance, to get past the mental block, but he doesn't see his value. He keeps saying, "but,...".

I had a client from the past who was very similar. His answer to most questions was, "I don't know" and then he would ridicule himself. The few times he smiled was when making himself the butt of his own jokes and hoping I agreed.

Ever feel this way?

Dying is Easy. Living is Hard.

Every day we are tasked with the option to Live or Die. It's tough to swallow, but usually we choose the red pill. We choose to Die. Because taking the green one, the one that gives us life, SEEMS boring. Or hard. It's easier to do little, to pull the trigger, to give up.

At the Emmy Awards the comedy team pictured below demonstrated the difference between comedy and drama. Drama had the woman holding on to the gentleman in an embrace. Comedy had the man dropping her. He simply gave up. Let go. He wanted to create a scene - and while doing so, the audience, his comedy team partner and others all sent him on the Death List. Although it appears the lady was dying, she only had a bruise. He had to recuperate from a dismal fall from grace and respect.

Days I hold back, those days when I don't want to get bruised, I do myself more harm than good. Staying quiet, choosing inactivity when what is most important is action or voicing something meaningful kills progress. Dying is easy. Living is hard.

Living takes decision-making. And then living up to it. Choosing activity and behavior that supports our decisions. Living requires effort. Survival, health, responsibility, relationships of support and finally self-actualization. Living requires being purposeful, focused.

Dying is easy. What's the cost? Is easy worth it?

Connect the dots...

Sometimes it is so logical, that you wonder why others don't make the connections you do. And then there are other times we scratch our heads and say, "Why am I doing this?"

About a month ago I had a referral from a friend of mine, so I met with a young marketing director from a legal firm. He was willing to learn about my coaching attorneys in behaviors of confidence. One area he agrees they struggle in is connecting the dots - getting outside their typical "research" behaviors to network, seek business and build referral relationships.

Not only was this a no-brainer for me to meet him, it was for him, too, as he saw me as a conduit for his ability to connect more effectively to those within his firm while he guides them in effective networking and marketing practices.

Today I met with a lady (Linda Watson)who has simply made a practice of not eating alone. In town once a week for client work, she regularly lines up a young professional to eat with so she can support them in their connections. She and I met through LinkedIN about a year ago and have remained in touch simply out of her desire to be of help, eventhough we're the same age.

What I expected to be a relationship-building, fun occassion became that and then some. She took it to the next level with supporting my efforts in finding new presentation audiences. Immediately she recognized the value of my work and began giving me ideas. Although I didn't question our meeting, I didn't see it's full value coming. Fortunately I kept it on my schedule and kept an open mind to just go with the moment.

In this case it required I see the networking puzzle as something more than a simple case of logic. Linda is a marketing director of an out-of-town accounting firm - what possible business contact could she be for me? Well as it turns out, she answered that for me (without my asking, of course).

She found the way to connect the dots in her network with the ones in mine, zigging here, zagging there, despite my target market. Instead, she saw a need and proposed it.

I like drawing outside the lines - creating designs that aren't logical. And that's what happened during today's luncheon. I was open to meeting with her, for whatever reason, and she was open to finding a connection, in whatever way she could.

Like she said, "Once people start talking, there's no telling where they end up. It starts with simply saying, Hi."

When time stands still

I've been a clock-watcher most of my life, probably because I operate best in a slow pace, which tends to make time fly by and my next obligation sneak up on me.

Yet to give people the respect they deserve, I've learned to relax into the moment so they don't get jolted by my desire to move on and feel unimportant. Usually this is a conscious effort on my part, but sometimes time stands still without my intending it to.

When we have a strong connection - the conversation hits a meaningful chord, goes into great depth or lifts my spirits, time stands still. This is when no longer does that ticking clock mean more to me than the current moment. What matters is the teachable moment at hand, or the refueling experience, or the calm.

When time stands still my soul is at peace. Or alive. When time stands still there is nothing in life more important.

Yesterday time stood still for me in a few occassions. I was visiting with a new business acquaintance, one I connected with quickly on first meeting. So I hardly looked at the time until she did - I knew she had clients scheduled to visit, so I honored that by preparing to leave. Yet she took the time to share what her passion was about her consulting work, and in that, she truly spoke to my soul. Sharing the story of how she had a piece of involvement in a young woman's success was very moving. The telling of it affected her, and while doing so, affected me. That moment was special.

Additionally, I have been rehearsing music for a Toledo band I'm enjoying involvement with. There is a song I suggested for it called Hallelujah, composed by Leonard Cohen. As I got familiar with the styles of many celebreties who have performed it (YouTube is so helpful!), I connected to the beauty and sorrow of the music. This brings me all the closer to it as I work through the lyrics, the rhythms, the chords and the melody.

I had interspersed my work of the music into the work of my coaching day, for it fuels each other. And that's when time stands still, allowing very meaningful focus to fuel very important work. At least that's how I see it.

I look forward to making time stand still and even moreso to when someone else surprises me with it!

Deflation

Recently I met with a gentleman who desires to feel "whole" again. He is a giver, so generally speaking, he understands that part of feeling valuable is in what he does for others. Working with non-profit organizations all his life, his focus has been in giving back.

Even more importantly are the circumstances of late which have devastated his focus - the recent death of his wife. Again, as her caregiver, he put himself on hold to give her a life-ending experience of comfort and compassion. Now with no job and no life partner, he is suffering from a void of energy. Ultimately, he is deflated.

"I need to rediscover my value, this time while taking care of myself," my friend shared. And it's a crucial thing for him to do while discovering his "wholeness". For anyone job searching, soul searching, or companion searching, valuing self is key.

As we go through our days of attracting others to us, we transparently demonstrate how we feel about ourselves. Our eyes tell this first, yet if the world can't see them, they can see our body language. What are we projecting?

When we are deflated, we aren't paying attention to what we are projecting, because our focus is inward. This is the time to reflect, to make some decisions about purpose and value, and then to determine what impact we want to make. As we go through this process, our energy inflates, our focus begins to shift to the impact we make on others and then to the confidence we have in making a difference.

But until we determine what fuels us, what inflates or motivates our energy, we can't tap into the fuel we need. Perhaps we can do this on our own most days, yet sometimes we need help. A balloon can't blow itself up - it needs another source, whether a pump or another living/breathing entity. So do we.

When you're deflated, what is your source of fresh air? Hopefully it's one that fuels you with good energy. That's what you need and what you deserve.

Business Owners Must Put Themselves Out There!

At the end of the day, what feels better? Laziness or success?

For me it's whatever helps me celebrate and feel valuable. Laziness may be good in the moment, but it just doesn't cut it when I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Too often I get the urge to relax eventhough I have scheduled events in my day that gets me Out There. For instance, today I had 2 unplanned yet desired events to get to that allowed me to be visible and make connections, maybe even take action. One gave me the chance to follow up with someone I've been trying to do some work for and who wants me to work for her organization. The difficulty has been in her influencing her constituents. Once she said, "let's get together and keep talking." Well, I found out where she was going to be today for an outdoor event and went. We connected, scheduled a time to meet and continued relationship-building.

It took so little on my part, yet I almost backed out because I needed to be elsewhere across town. Nevertheless, I made it to both places simply out of a desire to put myself out there. I had an earlier example 4 days ago when I made an unscheduled stop to a past client. While there, the owner highly praised my coaching results with an employee and then said, "I want the rest of my office employees to spend time with you." After he appealed to me to draw up a proposal I left grinning, knowing I seldom make unplanned stops. Wow. It's worthwhile!

So on I went today to schedule time with the above director and then to have lunch with another organization where my coaching has just started. Basically, the more I introduce myself and learn about the focus of others, the better I can make quality connections while developing top-of-mind awareness.

I don't care if business owners are extroverts or introverts, it pays when we put ourselves out there. If we don't, our business journey is short. And that's due to driving down a lonely road, out of view of those who need us. At the end of the day, success feels best!

Worry isn't worth it's energy!

In the past I would have stressed to have a week like this, yet this week has been exhilarating!

Yesterday I had a very important group meeting with one of my clients intent on teambuilding, despite the internal issues crippling the tone of the work environment. It was day 2 of my teambuilding process with them, the day they knew to expect issues to be deeply explored. Last week while finalizing my focus and outline, I felt concern for how people would react. The first week there was a lot of "acting out". Eventhough I have to let people be who they are and demonstrate their typical habits, I didn't want more problems to surface.

But I decided to relax into it, show flexibility with time and topics and have faith that we would uncover what needed uncovered. Sure enough - that's how it turned out. As people left, they left feeling the meeting was productive, that people had had their say, that issues were addressed, people were owning responsibility and progress happened.

I think it was because I didn't push. I didn't try to do too much - I let people have the time to interact as they needed to. And since I told myself that's what would happen, I let it.

Worry isn't worth the energy! It's so much more productive and refueling to have faith in your strategy. That's what happened today as well. I addressed the Ohio Women's Bar Association. This group was open, positive, eager to hear more and had great participation. It was so unlike I had originally imagined them. Yet I realized that they were RSVPing in large numbers - more than typical - because the topic was of interest. So today I told myself to relax into it.

As it turned out, again it worked.

In the past I would have over thought both of these instances, giving too much information, stressing that I wasn't qualified for what was needed, and then living out the self-described prophecy. Not anymore. I've learned worry isn't worth the energy.

With a Little Help from my Friends

Today I gave a presentation with the Women Lawyers of Franklin County. Yes, with them. Although I was scheduled to speak TO them, I knew better than to do that.

I was brought in to help them speak with confidence. I am not an attorney. So the only thing I had to share with them that I am an expert on is sharing my story of the subject and then offering key questions. To make this happen I needed to have their engagement, so I asked for their help.

I involved them in key demonstrations and meaningful conversations, when it mattered. And all I had to do was invite them forward, ask my questions and let them respond. In this way they demonstrated what it took to speak with confidence/or not, to break down their fear/or not, and I could guide them through this discovery.

What did it take for me to do this? It took knowing when to shut up. What this really means is, asking for help. Any time I ask for help - depending on how I do it, that is - I get people eager to participate. Now it may take a moment or two, but once someone decides to help, plenty of others do as well. That is such an enjoyment to watch - an experiment in control all of itself.

By the end of the presentation, people were running into each other making their way to me to say what a great presentation it was! And I just laughed to myself because I knew what they really meant - they loved having the chance to get involved. To see others they knew well actually be up front in meaningful dialogue over things that really matter.

Yes, Merri, it does matter when you step aside and ask for help. Do it more often. Friendships built on likability and trust come from it.

What does it take?

Quiz for the day = 3 key questions.
1. What's the hardest you ever worked towards a desired result?


2. Was it worth it?


3. What does it take to get what you want?








In this morning's 9am call I was on the phone with a client who is in the midst of his busiest season of the year: tax season. As a CPA, he knows to expect working 65 -70 hours weekly for at least 6 weeks up to April 15. Of course there are those who will need extensions filed, yet for the most part the pressure of that yearly deadline is off.

His strategy is to stay disciplined, purposeful and avoid distractions. And it's been tough. With 10- 12 hour days he deserves a break, which sometimes includes drinking with friends in the evening. Obviously the next morning he regrets this choice, yet he's not focused on tomorrow when he makes this decision. He's focused on the now - taking the edge off.

After a few mishaps, my client is now ready to refocus, reclaim his discipline and through it all, feel better about his accomplishments. That's the ultimate goal - realizing he is in control of himself. And with that realization, seeing value in who he is.

A few minutes ago I was on Facebook, where I saw one of my friends (Thanks Deborah!)focusing her status on being grateful for Good Friday. "Without Good Friday, we can't enjoy Easter," she said.

Of all days, today is the day to revisit what it takes to get what we want. Wow - huge motivation! Tonight we celebrate the ultimate sacrifice - giving one's life - for the good of others. What a selfless act. What does it take for us to sacrifice at that level?

For me, it's tough to be out of control. I want to be in the know, a part of the plan, a voice that's heard, and then I am willing to follow through. What did Jesus get? Was his voice heard before the plan was created that ended with his life on the cross for the good of those who didn't even care about him? No, and the thing is, that's what makes the act so beautiful. Self-less.

Today, as I ask myself, "What's the hardest you ever worked towards a desired goal?", my answer is, "Not hard enough."

As I ask myself, "Was it worth it?" I realize it is always worth seeing what I can do for the good of the people - ultimately it is also good for me.

So this leads to, "What does it take to get what you want?" forgiving myself for past stumblings, recommitting, and moving forward purposefully. Thank God.