He Set the Tone; Team Responded

What does someone who leads with an Everything's Black and White approach usually see from his direct reports? Yep, frustration.

A client of mine knows this about himself and is actively working on his own professional development to overcome the problems that pattern brings on. A very intelligent young man, this executive has an engineering mindset which brings huge value to the organization from a results standpoint. But he's managing people now, too.

His efficient, curt responses generate misunderstanding. What's important to him is quality, credibility, accurate data and results. As a leader he is gifted for the strategic focus. Yet when it comes to communicating, he misses the mark with people who aren't wired the way he is.

Earlier this month he shared a challenge he's been moderating - a schedule that accomodates several shifts and helps each feel valued. In talking with representatives from each side he ran into problems trying to - as an expert - offer a solution that logically makes sense. Not relating well to the impact it would make on those living with the solution, he demonstrated his lack of sensitivity to the gray area - that area unknown to him.

Fortunately he offered an opportunity for each of the parties to jointly meet for a problem-solving session that he was willing to facilitate. At the time he and I met, this session was a week away. He knew he needed to let them talk things through and capture their thoughts on poster sheets. He knew they were the most qualified to identify what they wanted. He was hoping they could come to conclusions without him.

What my young engineer needed help with was how to set the tone and continue the tone throughout the meeting that would lead to a creative, valuable experience. From his point of view, he was ill-equipped. Yet when I shared some simplistic attitudes to focus on, he was terrified.

There are 3 attitudes that lend to HIGH connectibility between speakers. Enthusiasm, Curiosity and Humility.

Since enthusiasm would miss the mark for a meeting with people nearly at each others' throats, only curiosity or humility seems appropriate. Our executive has difficulty showing vulnerability, so the attitude he was most intrigued by is curiosity.

In brief, instead of trying to demonstrate his expertise when a problem arises, I suggested he explore further by asking questions of those present. This could help with clarification, with understanding the importance of the focus and with digging deeper to uncover the real issues. Not only would this attitude allow him to act as a facilitator vs. an expert, it would bring the discussion back to the interested parties and allow them to engage in the problem-solving. Otherwise, as a Black and White patterned thinker often does, our young engineer would have stopped conversational flow repeatedly by expertly pointing out all the answers. No creativity would have room in that expert tone. No willingness to listen and share would have been tolerated.

Secondly, he began to recognize that the more willing he was at suggesting his own behaviors were sometimes in error, it allowed others to feel safe in reporting the same way.

What he told me later was, "Before I entered the meeting I kept telling myself - remember curiosity and humility." It seems he saw it was important to set the tone for himself as well as for the group.

He opened the meeting in this way:

As you know, I wanted to bring us all together to discover ways we can resolve our scheduling issue. You are all much more suited to coming up with the solutions than I am. As you've already observed, I am limited in understanding the impact some of my ideas have on others. So I need your help in drawing these conclusions.

I am here to listen, to encourage you to share honestly and respectfully and to embrace any conclusions you draw that seem to respect all present. When it's appropriate, I will step in. Yet mostly I see it's important for you each to share and for me to learn from you.

Evidently, this tone created a relaxed atmosphere instead of a contentious one. It allowed him to go through the meeting asking key questions - demonstrating his attitude of curiosity. And one of the most definable moments for him, in his reporting it to me later, was the time he interrupted to say, "That's what I made a huge mistake about. I apologize for that. I didn't realize the impact it would have on you."

He said, "I could feel them shift in their chairs and quietly whisper among themselves. It was obvious to me that they never expected me to be that vulnerable. You were right, Merri. Humility is a huge connector. It led them to a turning point in a later meeting."

Later on in the week he stood in front of all the employees to announce the solution. After doing so, some loudly criticized him for the solution. At that point, two of the shift representatives from the earlier meeting came to his defense, explaining the rationale behind the decision.

"Wow. They never would have defended me before." For someone who operates in a Black and White pattern, that was a moment of revelation. His ablity to validate the perspectives of others set an extremely positive tone. As a result, the team responded.

Today, our executive is continuing to observe people and take care to use curiosity in his dealings with them. And sometimes he will even use humility. What a leveling agent. For him, it allowed people to see eye to eye and connect hand to hand.

Polishing Your Act

My father had a regular routine on the weekends, about monthly, of polishing his shoes. Perhaps since I'm a process-loving person, I enjoyed watching this routine. It started with setting up a space for several pairs of shoes to sit - whether on the floor in front of him while he sat in his favorite chair, or on an ottoman in front of him. Next, he pulled out the appropriate colors of shoe polish - usually black, cordovan and maybe dark brown. Next came the polishing cloth and brush as well as a soft rag.

Dad always began the process by dusting the residue off each of the shoes with his soft rag, prepping them as the shoe polish directions state - "Apply to clean shoes." Next, he would dip his polishing cloth into the appropriate polish color, swirl the color onto the shoe from heel through toe, side to side, carefully applying along the edges, through the tassles or among the shoe lace holes. Carefully inspecting his work for thorough coverage, he would then set down each shoe with applied cream onto a paper towel, aware that the shoe polish would rub onto the ottomon or floor if not protected. Since the "setting" process takes several minutes, his attention to many shoes at once usually allowed him to make good use of his time. Once he had polished 2 sets of shoes, the first was now ready for buffing.

Whether his shoes were patterned or smooth was the deciding factor on using a brush or a rag for the buffing. Although he could buy a rotating buffing brush, Dad preferred the manual approach of "elbow grease" to do justice to the polishing effect. There's much more pleasure through the process when applying our own pressure than relying on the mechanisms of a tool.

Today I help individuals polish their act, whether when handling tough conversations, when business building through networking, or when speaking in public. Many of the same techniques we apply that my father taught me through his shoe-polishing process.

When polishing your act, these are the key techniques to apply:

1. Start with a clean surface. In the case of speaking well or having confidence in yourself, this means begin with an open attitude. An open attitude accepts feedback and allows it to stick.

2. Apply the soft rag to remove the dirt - don't be too hard on yourself when you see problems. Simply rub out the flaws and move on.

3. Choose the appropriate tone for the impact you want. Address the circumstances with humility, curiosity and enthusiasm. Whichever makes sense.

4. Uncover the barrier patterns that stand in your way. If you need to remove some rough edges, dig deep to do what is necessary. Get real about them. Then break them down. Like dirt on shoes that makes the polish mar the effect,these patterns will continue to hold you back until you break them down.

5. Allow the polishing process to take time to really set well. Plan what to focus on, prepare the steps, and then practice.

When you create polish, not only your shoes shine, your spirit does. You have a slight dance in your step as your soul connects to a more purposeful way of being. When you are polished, you definitely put "your best foot forward".

What I Believe about Coaching

So many of us are looking for the magic bullet. Whether to attack incompetence, ineffectiveness, self-doubt or lack of strategy. We want help. And the bottom line beneath this is our feeling of inadequacy.

We want to feel adequate to others. We want to have our voice heard. We want to erase the past and move into the future by focusing on our present need.

Today there are VOLUMES of coaches. Business coaches, life coaches, athletic coaches, team coaches, relationship coaches. This, to me, clearly indicates our society's desire to seek help. Which reflects either a driven ambition or a desire to finally get recognition.

What I believe about coaching, which reflects my belief in community, has to do with tapping into a willingness to slow down. This isn't a simple process, yet the ability to slow down, to idle while pausing to reflect, gives us tremendous capacity to accept what the divine/universe is giving us.

When we are in the driver's seat of our automobile, accelerating toward the top of an overpass in a busy highway, we are alarmed when we suddenly enter fog. Our impulse is to brake the momentum. Unless we brake and then decelerate, we will crash. Whether we are emotionally overwhelmed by our lack of visibility and turn the wheel towards an embankment, or whether we strive to push forward and bang into a suddenly visible vehicle, our momentum suddenly appears costly. The only thing for us to do when we are startled by our circumstances is to slow enough to assess the situation.

The same is true about how we handle our life - professional or personal.

We all have within us exactly what we need to handle our circumstances. Perhaps this means intellect. Maybe it means intuition. Could also be the heart to reach out for assistance. Coaching is a process that helps us slow down to discover what we already have that can apply to our current surroundings.

As a coach, I come ready to ask useful questions. Questions about how we operate, what works for us, and other areas that give clients a chance to assess their skills, attitudes, behaviors and habits. From these questions come profound truth and key reflection designed to give individuals a chance to drive up that embankment without fear.

Coaching is another form of GPS. Instead of supplying answers, it supplies tools. And just like any handy-person knows, giving someone a tool gives them the means to get back to work (or to life, or to love, or to peace).

Are you in a fog right now? Maybe engaging a coach is your next vital step. Vision about ourselves is crucial to handling circumstances with confidence.

Not a Time to Hibernate

I began an entrepreneurial business after I had established a workaholic mentality - committing over 60 hours a week to my career, for I answered to nobody and was willing to fill my time with responsibilities. Soon I shifted careers, opting for the adventure of creating and designing my own coaching practice vs. teaching high school. No longer was I surrounded by others who were competing for the recognition I sought. Finally I could be sole decision-maker, in charge of my own time and driven by my interests vs. someone else's schedule. Little did I know it would spin me wildly off my path of best business sense.

As any business owner does, I needed someone to bounce ideas off, to encourage me during challenging times and to hold me accountable to what I determine to carry out. But what I committed to was safety, reflection and comfort zone activity. This means I acted based on what I knew about business (which wasn't much). I stayed safe. I didn't wish to call strangers and sell myself. I didn't like to speak about the fees involved in my services, and I had difficulty influencing people to take me on without a track record of success. Yet I still stayed in my comfort zone. This was one of the deepest ruts my business was in - all based on my lack of comfort with asking for help. In theory, I hibernated.

I had some good resources around me - people who could advise me on developing a business plan, creating a marketing strategy, testing out and/or selling my services, yet I didn't feel right asking for help. Would it cost me something? Actually, it cost me more to not ask. Time - that great equalizer, flew by without my getting any smarter. I hadn't asked for help. Content that I would just figure things out, I stayed "inside", dozing away my resources.

Not until I heard a keynote speaker relate her story of asking for help from a team of strategic business associates - others, who, like me, needed help - did I realize that it isn't a deficit on my part to not know things. Others commonly experience this! But it is a huge deficit to not ask for help. In life, I have repeatedly experienced that success comes from turning to others and saying,

"Could you give me some ideas?"

This awakens my thinking, breathes new life into my decision-making and keeps me from "napping".

This realization finally led me to starting a Master Mind group of business owners who want to make changes and are willing to get vulnerable to accomplish it. After only a few short months we all saw the value - we were personally supported and challenged while our businesses began to grow into a larger dimension. We had begun applying steps after hearing other members' perspective about either marketing, personnel, strategy, business building, closing a sale or other related challenges. From these steps we saw ourselves choose either to avoid the challenge (and continue making mistakes), problem-solve through it or crash.

I have learned that business is all about gaining perspective - which to me means, starting from my own point of view and attaching others' to it. My business then moves from a cave to a clearing. I have learned to share my perspective, ask others there's, and then make smarter decisions by applying strategies that continue to use good resources.

When I'm at my best, I look about me, becoming present to who is there and how they think. When I'm at my worst, I hibernate.

It's that time of year that nature goes into hibernation mode - and I vow to avoid it! I prefer to stay strong, stay alive and enjoy the experience. But to do so, I have to connect. This intention will work if I remember who is around me and then purposefully connect with them - ask for their experiences with a similar challenge, for how they conquered certain difficulties or avoided a negative circumstance. Asking for help, and then valuing it enough to get clear about the details establishes goodwill.

Getting out of my cave is good not only for professional development. It's good for business.

Power speak vs. Power point

I started laughing this morning when I entered the space where I'd soon be presenting to the Legal Marketers Association. There at the head of the room was a pulled down screen and next to it someone setting up the extensions and power cords for a power point projector. One of the association representatives quickly jumped in to assist with where to align the small projector table just as I sidled up to share, "I won't be using power point today." Both the facility manager and the association representative did a double-take.

Nope, there's only one time I have used power point to enhance my presentation, and it wasn't worth it. At the time I used only visual images to support the points I was making. Since then I've realized so many other applications can create a more engaging effect for my topics on communication.

For instance, using volunteers to demonstrate the communication basics (message, delivery, connection, projection and attitude). Without fail there is such high engagement from the audience when volunteers are included that it is always worth the time to await the 5 volunteers I ask for. In adult learning, 1/3 of our cues come from those around us. So we can either whisper back and forth or be encouraged by the presenter to share.

The second 1/3 is from our own reflection. This has led me to tap into what people are thinking about each idea I present. Audiences commonly hear me ask, "What does this lead you to think?" or "What questions come to mind as a result?"

The third 1/3 of information useful to audiences comes from the presenter. If I have an hour to present a topic of information, I aim for 20 minutes of timed content. Beyond that is a string of questions seeking feedback, probing for more clarification and comparing to what the audience has already experienced. I know to infuse activity to deepen the learning, taking the content from head to gut. When my presentations use all three approaches, there is such heightened focus and prolonged post-presentation conversation with me and others in the room that I have vowed to never waste time with power point.

The best images I can create are in the nonverbal responses within the room. That's worth much more time than power point. The name of the game is connecting, and the method isn't technical. It's now power speak, power reflect, power experience and power results.

Mondays - in the rough

Over the weekend I saw a video of a country recording titled something like, Who are You When I'm not Looking? Really great perspective on the fact that most of us are slightly different in public than we are on our own. This leads me to today's topic - Monday behavior.

Keeping the same theme in mind - behavior change at key times - on Mondays all of us who work are just a bit different. We begrudge the fact that we must get out of bed, that the weekend still calls us to reflect on our freedom yet Monday's call is tugging at us. Like a diamond in the rough, our week will develop its quality based on the steps we take on this most important day of the week. The day we are called to atone for our own discipline.

If there is any day to jump out of bed, it is Monday. This is the day our character calls - the day our actions speak the most regarding our sense of duty. Without early action on Monday, the rest of the week lacks focus, lacks motivation and lacks results.

Carve your progress deep through Monday and that diamond in the rough will have a more polished, more pure result. By Friday, if not Thursday, the results will show.

For me, discipline comes in the form of exercise routine, planning, followthrough and commitment. My alarm goes off and I allow myself 2 snoozes - that's a Slow and Steady person's most comfortable time. More than 2 and I just get grumpy. That 3rd snooze calls me out to feed and litter cats, get into my gym clothes, grab the Ipod for my morning dose of great rhythm and get out the door.

If I return from the gym to sit down in front of the news, I relax. That's a problem. I must get into the shower, get into my clothes for the day, eat a good breakfast and then stay moving. This pattern allows me to chisel through that diamond in the rough. It keeps me disciplined and in keeping with my work ethic. If I can perform this way on Monday, the rest of the week is on par. By Tuesday morning I'm remembering what worked the day before, my body is resuming the pattern and my mind accepts it.

How many diamonds can we carve out in a month to a polished, shapely condition? It all depends on Monday. Set your sights on creating discipline that day and you're on track to managing yourself and stone-carving with the best of them!

We All Felt It

It's Thursday, and as is often the case, I'm walking downtown, ready with a smile if needed, yet usually focused on earlier conversations in my head. Seldom do I walk around downtown without a purpose, so I'm often rehashing, prepping, planning, anything but paying attention to what's going on around me. I guess you could say I was once again NOT connecting.

I stopped for the light at the corner of the busiest intersection in downtown Columbus (Broad and High) awaiting the Walk sign so I could cross Broad when I saw a flash of 4 young men stream past me, then wham! I looked down to discover one of them face down on the sloped part of the sidewalk leading into the street, feet almost touching the street and blood already streaming from his face.

Those of us waiting at the corner all did a collective gasp, momentarily held in suspension of belief, then moving in slow motion to assist the young man. His body was lifeless, angled at the waist yet facing down. No one seemed concerned by the baggy pants exposing his bright yellow shorts. Stepping around the enlarging puddle of blood under his face, we all moved tentatively to help him, move him, adjust him so we had a better understanding of what just happened.

Just at the time I said "We need to call 911", my hand was on my phone and the lady near me said, "Got it."

"You're calling?" I repeated, not wanting to waste another moment in making the call. "Yes", she said while nodding and then I heard her say, "a young man was accosted while on foot at Broad and High; he's bleeding badly from the face and not moving; wait, yes, he's breathing..."

By this time 2 businessmen were at his side, on the pavement in front of me just as he was getting up to move.

"Wait!" we all yelled, and the completely unaware victim slammed himself into the light pole, bouncing in the direction of traffic.

Only my mouth could move - "Grab him" I said, for his poor feet weren't stopping. As blood was streaming down his face and his eyes were working hard to focus, he hardly noticed anyone around him. Quickly the young man was contained, pulled away from traffic, yet the men were apprehensive to touch him, he was soiled badly by his own blood. Then he began to cross the street just as a bus was pulling through.
"No!" several onlookers exclaimed and the men nearby no longer thought of their clothes but only of his safety as they pulled him back onto the sidewalk.

By then 3 teens entered the scene, laughing, taunting him. 8 or 9 of us adults stood in horror, witnessing the callous behavior. One stood right beside me. I wanted to say, "What is wrong with you?!" But all I could do was watch. This time not only my feet, my mouth wouldn't work, either.

By now an ER wagon pulled up from the north and a lady near me flagged down a patrol car heading down High Street from the south. The youth pulled away from the men corraling him, stepped into the Dunkin Donuts on the corner behind us where he was immediately assisted onto a chair and guarded. Those assaulting him had flown across Broad, tucking themselves into the underground parking shelter.

"I don't know for sure, but I think those 3 across the street were the ones responsible for this," I said, turning to the adults around me who had stayed behind to assist. Many heads nodded and fingers pointed that direction as others clumped into tidy bundles to discuss their interpretation of what just happened.

"Excuse me, ma'm." A Dunkin' Donuts manager had walked outside with a tall cup full of hot water, intent on washing out the crimson blood from the sidewalk into the street. Up until that point, I was trying to protect the pedestrian traffic from walking through it, unaware. Some saw it, did a double-take, quickly looking around for evidence or a trail.

"Oh, yes, thank you," I offered as I side-stepped to avoid the splash. My next move was to rush into the donut shop to get the patrol's attention on the 3 assailants across the street. Once there I realized another lady was already telling him about the offenders, so I jumped in to speed up his awareness of where they were.

"Yes, she's right," the lady continued. "One has bright red shorts on and a black jacket." A man nearby turned to me and said, "the kid knows them."

Probably only 6 or 7 minutes went by as all this developed. Yet I can't recall being so aware of my surroundings and those around me until that moment. We seemed caught up in a fog, yet nothing like we were just minutes ago. I'm pleased to note we responded. We weren't the innocent bystanders who shy away from the action. Nor are we deserving any credit. We were just caught up in the moment of someone's life being harshly taken for granted. Slammed into the sidewalk. Poked fun of. Callously used as entertainment. In that moment I felt the universal need to step in and make a difference. Many of us did.

Little difference we made on the life of the poor young man. Maybe we saved him from real pain that day, yet something tells me he's been getting it for awhile. He'll still get it. No, I don't think we did much to stop that chain of events. Yes, some of them who were harrassing the youth were arrested. I saw them put the handcuffs on, saw the harasser patted down. But there was only one. Another stood on the sidewalk watching - or did I assume that young man was involved? It happened so fast.

What I appreciate out of all this was the collective surge we experienced - those of us who were shocked out of our inner monologue enough to be present to something going on. The appeal we responded to, to take notice. To not walk away. Yes, the persuasive appeal was strong - the immobility of the young man and the blood that freely ran without any sign of awareness on his part. That engaged us.

Walking into the bank later, I could hardly speak for the emotions I had experienced. Yet I had to share the story. It was too gripping to ignore. We all felt it. Before the adult group at the corner of Broad and High broke up, we touched each other, thanked each other for staying, for helping, for influencing our own behavior. So those usual exchanges that we have with bank tellers, with coffee shop baristas, etc, today had a new cadence, a tempo and mood unique and appropriate to being aware of those forces in life that force us to take notice.

"I'm still recovering," has been my response to "and how are you today?" No drama, just simple, measured words. Usually someone who tries to extend positive energy and make a difference to those around me, I today am forsaking decorum for the sake of letting life make a difference to me. I've seen so many news stories about violence, vengeance, pranks, suicide, and murder. And I've not paid attention long enough for it to make a difference on me. If I had, I could then call myself to action: to pray for guidance, support or relief. It reminds me of the poignant take on an old saying,

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you aren't paying attention."