Ice Breakers for Introverts

It's the new year, nearing the end of the first week of business. How are you feeling about where you're at?

Some are reflecting on what profession they're in. Or where they're at in it. Or whether they're taking action in effective ways that will bring them what they want. What about you?

If you're at all anxious about the actions you're taking, I can relate. I'm an introvert, so that means I will keep to myself to stay within my comfort zone. Yet I will quite often feel anxious because I am limited in my own perspective, experiences and strategy, and because I keep to myself, I don't quickly make changes, even when I want to. I may not know enough to move forward and gosh darn it, I probably won't talk about it. Unless someone like me, who can relate to how I feel and operate, can advise me to effectively create a plan, prepare and practice the actions I need to take.

Let's not get overwhelmed here. For when we introverts are overwhelmed, we slow down, procrastinate or go into that endless spin mode of blank stares. I simply need a plan. Creating a plan requires I know more than I currently do, so I need a good resource. Now, a habit many introverts fall into is doing internet searches to discover whatever information we want. On the one hand, sitting at our desk allows us to feel safe. The bad part about this online search is it isn't motivating. Our motivation for using the information we discover, if it comes from our own efforts, will tend to hold us back. Here's why. Soon we begin to doubt ourselves or doubt the source we discovered. What we need is another form of motivation - another person.

One value of opening up to people, to gaining their insight/experiences/intelligence and then to harnessing their energy, is we can't turn back. We are motivated. Get it? We must have a conversation! Whether you want assistance in creating a plan and implementing it while discovering another profession or for becoming more effective in your current one, this meaningful conversation cannot happen fast enough.

Herein lies the need to use ice breakers - to start a conversation with someone. For the introvert, I suggest starting the conversation with someone you know, because introverts need to gently slide into this. One of the biggest challenges is to plan how to start the conversation - whether over the phone, face to face, through email or through a third party. The easiest approach for an introvert is through email. So start there. Within the email we could state our intent to follow up with a phone call in a certain number of days - which keeps us accountable to following through.

But since email is the easiest starting point, here is a simple approach:

"Hey John/Jane,"

Start with an opener that addresses something recent they can relate to or something you know they've been through lately. "I hope your holidays were good for you/How is the new year looking for you?/I know you've been involved in a major project, how did it go for you?"

Continue by shifting the focus to something recent about you. "I'm giving thought to broadening my career focus/to finding some new strategies for being more effective with my responsibilities and would appreciate time with you for some brainstorming."

Close with a call to action. "I'd like to treat you to coffee/lunch so we could take 30 minutes/an hour to do some brainstorming, and of course to learn about your holidays/new year/project. I will call you in two days to discover your interest in this, or feel free to email me at your convenience before then."

Once we've bounced ideas off a handful of folks and have tweaked them or been inspired by their new ideas, we can begin the plan we need for ourselves.

The hardest part is starting - so break the ice.

Next post will look at breaking the ice with strangers while networking. Yes, even introverts network. Some do it better than others, even feeling good about their efforts once they leave. This starts with having ice breakers to use!

Talented, Good People Fail

One of the areas I excel in is listening. Yet my ability to focus for lengths of time has been weak, and my desire to please is high. What this creates at times is a wandering state of paying attention while smiling to encourage the speaker in continuing, leading me further and further out of touch.

Talented, good people fail. As my listening skills have led me to great opportunities, my focus and thinking skills have often held me back. What I know today is, while I have created a comfort zone of barrier patterns that hold me back, I have since learned to break down those patterns for one particular reason: to speak and behave with confidence.

Good people fail. And because I vowed in the year 2000 to help those, who like me, want to feel better about themselves at the end of the day, my purposeful focus is to help good, talented people get back on track.

Although I work with many attorneys, attorney or not, here are their similarities: they are highly valued employees, they are succeeding in their positions but clearly could be more effective in them, and/or they are being groomed for positions at the very highest levels. Helping people achieve speaking confidence is the key to helping people work to their highest potential.

Do they need to listen better? Be more aggressive? Talk less? Be more direct? Own up to their mistakes? Business psychologists James Waldroop and Timothy Butler (The 12 Bad Habits That Hold Good People Back, published 2000) understand these skills as key to developing behavior patterns that work for us. They also know which ones hold us back. These emotional triggers are listed below:

1. Never Feeling Good Enough
2. Seeing the World in Black and White
3. Doing Too Much, Pushing Too Hard
4. Avoiding Conflict at all Cost
5. Running Roughshod over the Opposition
6. Rebel Looking for a Cause
7. Always Swinging for the Fence
8. When Fear is in the Driver's Seat
9. Emotionally Tone Deaf
10. When No Job is Good Enough
11. Lacking a Sense of Boundaries
12. Losing the Path

Although it's more inspiring to focus on our strengths, without focusing on the patterns that hold us back we prohibit our development. If I want to improve in my ability to exercise routinely, I may set a goal to go to the gym 3 times weekly. Yet if the pattern that holds me back is Never Feeling Good Enough, I may start to question why I am even attempting the goal. Soon, I will slide from 3 times to 2 times, and then I will eventually give up.

My efforts at development are a sign of my "good person" status, yet I will fail until I understand AND break down the barrier patterns that hold me back.

What I tell myself (similar to the 12 attitudes above) is what I end up telling the world around me. Break down the behavior patterns and I begin to change my worldview, manage myself, influence others and speak with confidence.

What it takes to be a tree

Yesterday I read a tweet from the author of Be a Tree, a presentation pointer. Wonderful advice about how to come across as though you stand for something. Here is some of what he said:

Stand still as a presenter. Get your weight on both feet. Balance yourself. Do not stick one hip out like a pop singer. Instead, be the tree. But do not sway. Stand as if you are guarding something sacred, as if you stand for something important. Then, after holding this position for a reasonable time, move to another spot and stand still again. Stillness and movement is very near the crux of any performance art.

Sorry, somehow I lost the author of the post. Yet with my background in theatre and my current focus in presentation, I applaud how he illustrates the quality.

One of my clients has experienced the difference between waffling around ideas and how to express them and in being solid and practiced in her ideas, language and movement. She feels an incredible boost in confidence as she stands with purpose, sharing an idea and its illustration, then moving into her next point, ending with purpose on a thought.

I recall the time I was auditioning for a role that many contemporary actors would call an "actor's dream" part. The Guys was Harvest Theatre's new focus in 2006, the 5th year anniversary of the tragedy on Twin Towers and the many engulfed in fatalities. The show features the captain of the fireman unit that lost all their lives during the rescue attempt. Also filling out the cast is the journalist he partnered with to write all the eulogies he would have to deliver.

The journalist role is meaty - rich, dramatic, funny and real. During auditions I had a wealth of experiences to call on as I stood in front of the casting committee. Unfortunately, I didn't simply stand. When many of us are before a group and not hiding behind a podium or desk, we tend to fidget or pace or gesticulate like crazy. That's what I was doing. And in that process, my voice was loosing control. Not to say that I was screaming - instead I was underselling the script because my body was overselling it.

The director said to me, "Let's try this again. Stand solidly, without movement and take it again." Immediately I understood. In my second attempt I got connected to the monologue. The words had depth, the moment had meaning and I got control back. It worked - for I not only ended up with the part. The performances were rich and true. We learned how to move as well as how to stand and deliver. We were trees.

It takes a few simple things to be a tree:
focus, energy and trust

Certainly with focus we understand the "through-line" of our message. We know the set-up, the connection to the audience and the end result. This doesn't come to us immediately. It takes time to play around with the message enough to clarify where we're going. Then the delivery requires feedback, or at least the observance of people's feedback. Focus is the first step in becoming a tree.

Doesn't it sound odd that it also takes energy? Well it does. One cannot hold themselves solidly without breathing deeply and often. Mental alertness is jazzed with energy. Similar to singing and holding a note, the ability to hold a stance is "rooted" in the energy it takes to stay solid. Mentally we must pump up ourselves for the effort. Relax and the tree-like properties sag.

Amateur speakers seem to believe they are hampered by not trusting the audience's reactions to them. It's actually just the opposite. Those we must trust when speaking or performing is ourselves. We can handle it. We can still ourselves in the moment and create an engaging connection. When the other two properties are mastered (focus and energy), trust is a ready quality.

Tough times require being a tree. Whether on the phone with a customer, whether talking in front of a group or whether performing a rehearsed production, plan and practice focus, energy and trust. Prepare to be a tree.

Planning is good. Preparing and Practicing are Better!

How often have we made planning a part of our personal or professional practices? I'm guessing it's pretty common.

Many business coaches help owners and executives shape their plans. All this is crucial for focused success. Structure is better than constantly being "in-the-moment" with getting things accomplished. Yet having a plan doesn't equal execution. Nor does it equal successful execution.

In theatre, plans are handed out in the form of scripts. Each script supplies critical elements: who says what, when key activity interrupts the dialogue, where the scene takes place. However, most theatrical performances take 4-8 weeks of daily rehearsal to move from being given a script to showcasing a performance. Why? It takes preparation and practice for all individuals to go from script to full understanding while demonstrating the ability to work together to achieve the final outcome.

Two months is a long time for those who want immediate results, yet it's time that quickly escapes if there isn't a design for helping individuals manage themselves, influence others and speak with confidence.



Breaking Down Barriers takes intangible PLANS and helps individuals PREPARE for Being and Doing what it takes to accomplish them. Whether we work with them weekly or twice monthly, we help individuals identify the behavior patterns that have typically held them back from accomplishing what they want and how to break down those behavior patterns. In 3 - 6 months we help them identify habits they can PRACTICE to begin reaching their planned goals. Practice takes time and is crucial. Whether a public speaker working out delivery, poise and projection, or whether a leader framing a tough conversation, practice helps the individual solidify the experience.

Wise clients choose to skip working with coaches who only help them plan. Clients deserve the additional help in preparing and practicing so they can actually GET the results they want.

BDB becomes a part of the PRACTICE, guiding individuals to see impact their behaviors make and helping these individuals tweak behaviors and habits to create the impact they intend. Whether in helping them manage themselves or lead others, BDB provides a thorough 6 - 12 month approach of walking with clients to PLAN, PREPARE and PRACTICE what it takes to speak with confidence.

You're Not the Only One

Every time I share the 12 common barrier patterns with new clients, they feel relief. Although they are admitting to a barrier pattern or two that holds them back from being what they really want to be, they immediately realize they aren't abnormal.

There are 12 barrier patterns that hold back good people. For introverts, the most common pattern is Never Feeling Good Enough. Subconsciously, this pattern keeps us from public speaking, from networking well, from asking for the sale and from handling conflict.

Introverts are very thoughtful, reflective people, the kind most people would appreciate taking leadership and presentational roles, or buying something from. The fact that they don't make a practice of the above nerve-wracking patterns leads them to think they cannot do these things. Yet each of the above communication-based activities are quite learnable. The longer we introverts avoid learning to plan, prepare and practice these communication-focused activities, the longer we feel Not Good Enough.

I am so glad I was encouraged to plan, prepare and practice public speaking, and then theatre techniques, and then networking strategies and then business development activities and then conflict management. I now feel Good Enough to help other introverts, like me, break down their communication barriers while feeling purposeful and relieved. Feeling Good Enough is a life-enriching pattern. Ready to join me in learning how to use it?

He Set the Tone; Team Responded

What does someone who leads with an Everything's Black and White approach usually see from his direct reports? Yep, frustration.

A client of mine knows this about himself and is actively working on his own professional development to overcome the problems that pattern brings on. A very intelligent young man, this executive has an engineering mindset which brings huge value to the organization from a results standpoint. But he's managing people now, too.

His efficient, curt responses generate misunderstanding. What's important to him is quality, credibility, accurate data and results. As a leader he is gifted for the strategic focus. Yet when it comes to communicating, he misses the mark with people who aren't wired the way he is.

Earlier this month he shared a challenge he's been moderating - a schedule that accomodates several shifts and helps each feel valued. In talking with representatives from each side he ran into problems trying to - as an expert - offer a solution that logically makes sense. Not relating well to the impact it would make on those living with the solution, he demonstrated his lack of sensitivity to the gray area - that area unknown to him.

Fortunately he offered an opportunity for each of the parties to jointly meet for a problem-solving session that he was willing to facilitate. At the time he and I met, this session was a week away. He knew he needed to let them talk things through and capture their thoughts on poster sheets. He knew they were the most qualified to identify what they wanted. He was hoping they could come to conclusions without him.

What my young engineer needed help with was how to set the tone and continue the tone throughout the meeting that would lead to a creative, valuable experience. From his point of view, he was ill-equipped. Yet when I shared some simplistic attitudes to focus on, he was terrified.

There are 3 attitudes that lend to HIGH connectibility between speakers. Enthusiasm, Curiosity and Humility.

Since enthusiasm would miss the mark for a meeting with people nearly at each others' throats, only curiosity or humility seems appropriate. Our executive has difficulty showing vulnerability, so the attitude he was most intrigued by is curiosity.

In brief, instead of trying to demonstrate his expertise when a problem arises, I suggested he explore further by asking questions of those present. This could help with clarification, with understanding the importance of the focus and with digging deeper to uncover the real issues. Not only would this attitude allow him to act as a facilitator vs. an expert, it would bring the discussion back to the interested parties and allow them to engage in the problem-solving. Otherwise, as a Black and White patterned thinker often does, our young engineer would have stopped conversational flow repeatedly by expertly pointing out all the answers. No creativity would have room in that expert tone. No willingness to listen and share would have been tolerated.

Secondly, he began to recognize that the more willing he was at suggesting his own behaviors were sometimes in error, it allowed others to feel safe in reporting the same way.

What he told me later was, "Before I entered the meeting I kept telling myself - remember curiosity and humility." It seems he saw it was important to set the tone for himself as well as for the group.

He opened the meeting in this way:

As you know, I wanted to bring us all together to discover ways we can resolve our scheduling issue. You are all much more suited to coming up with the solutions than I am. As you've already observed, I am limited in understanding the impact some of my ideas have on others. So I need your help in drawing these conclusions.

I am here to listen, to encourage you to share honestly and respectfully and to embrace any conclusions you draw that seem to respect all present. When it's appropriate, I will step in. Yet mostly I see it's important for you each to share and for me to learn from you.

Evidently, this tone created a relaxed atmosphere instead of a contentious one. It allowed him to go through the meeting asking key questions - demonstrating his attitude of curiosity. And one of the most definable moments for him, in his reporting it to me later, was the time he interrupted to say, "That's what I made a huge mistake about. I apologize for that. I didn't realize the impact it would have on you."

He said, "I could feel them shift in their chairs and quietly whisper among themselves. It was obvious to me that they never expected me to be that vulnerable. You were right, Merri. Humility is a huge connector. It led them to a turning point in a later meeting."

Later on in the week he stood in front of all the employees to announce the solution. After doing so, some loudly criticized him for the solution. At that point, two of the shift representatives from the earlier meeting came to his defense, explaining the rationale behind the decision.

"Wow. They never would have defended me before." For someone who operates in a Black and White pattern, that was a moment of revelation. His ablity to validate the perspectives of others set an extremely positive tone. As a result, the team responded.

Today, our executive is continuing to observe people and take care to use curiosity in his dealings with them. And sometimes he will even use humility. What a leveling agent. For him, it allowed people to see eye to eye and connect hand to hand.

Polishing Your Act

My father had a regular routine on the weekends, about monthly, of polishing his shoes. Perhaps since I'm a process-loving person, I enjoyed watching this routine. It started with setting up a space for several pairs of shoes to sit - whether on the floor in front of him while he sat in his favorite chair, or on an ottoman in front of him. Next, he pulled out the appropriate colors of shoe polish - usually black, cordovan and maybe dark brown. Next came the polishing cloth and brush as well as a soft rag.

Dad always began the process by dusting the residue off each of the shoes with his soft rag, prepping them as the shoe polish directions state - "Apply to clean shoes." Next, he would dip his polishing cloth into the appropriate polish color, swirl the color onto the shoe from heel through toe, side to side, carefully applying along the edges, through the tassles or among the shoe lace holes. Carefully inspecting his work for thorough coverage, he would then set down each shoe with applied cream onto a paper towel, aware that the shoe polish would rub onto the ottomon or floor if not protected. Since the "setting" process takes several minutes, his attention to many shoes at once usually allowed him to make good use of his time. Once he had polished 2 sets of shoes, the first was now ready for buffing.

Whether his shoes were patterned or smooth was the deciding factor on using a brush or a rag for the buffing. Although he could buy a rotating buffing brush, Dad preferred the manual approach of "elbow grease" to do justice to the polishing effect. There's much more pleasure through the process when applying our own pressure than relying on the mechanisms of a tool.

Today I help individuals polish their act, whether when handling tough conversations, when business building through networking, or when speaking in public. Many of the same techniques we apply that my father taught me through his shoe-polishing process.

When polishing your act, these are the key techniques to apply:

1. Start with a clean surface. In the case of speaking well or having confidence in yourself, this means begin with an open attitude. An open attitude accepts feedback and allows it to stick.

2. Apply the soft rag to remove the dirt - don't be too hard on yourself when you see problems. Simply rub out the flaws and move on.

3. Choose the appropriate tone for the impact you want. Address the circumstances with humility, curiosity and enthusiasm. Whichever makes sense.

4. Uncover the barrier patterns that stand in your way. If you need to remove some rough edges, dig deep to do what is necessary. Get real about them. Then break them down. Like dirt on shoes that makes the polish mar the effect,these patterns will continue to hold you back until you break them down.

5. Allow the polishing process to take time to really set well. Plan what to focus on, prepare the steps, and then practice.

When you create polish, not only your shoes shine, your spirit does. You have a slight dance in your step as your soul connects to a more purposeful way of being. When you are polished, you definitely put "your best foot forward".