Re-evaluating Structure

What works for you?

Pretty broad question to ask, especially without first asking, what do you want? When I think of what I want, I uncover things that are in opposition to each other. Here are my 2 main things: Peace, Fun.

With peace I feel at ease, unhurried, in-the-moment and rested. Fun brings to mind many opposites - speed, adventure, thrill, planning for a specific outcome.

I still want both. Life brings us experiences that both fit our nature and test it. Challenge is what we all crave, even though it requires risk, endurance, difficulty and emotional involvement. It gives us life!

Peace gives us a way to reflect on life, after we've had the challenges. They work together, yet if not seen that way, if we don't evaluate how they work together, we will quickly dismiss them as not being able to exist together. We will question the need to plan, when being in-the-moment feels more natural. But then, we will bore easily.

How is life working for you? When I answer this question, I see the many days when my structure is supported by my need for fun. I push, I plan, I gruel through my days in the hopes that I get the results - the chance to enjoy life! I forget about the days of non-structure, for peace and reflection. Forgetting this, I then tend to question the value of my time spent with rigor.

Funny, huh, how when we re-evaluate the structure that works for us, we may see the beauty of the inconsistency. And then understand its value.

Anxious Movement

Steps in the hallway, around the coffee pot, outside for a smoke, into a cubicle for whispers. Anxious energy leads us further away from the most important tasks at hand.

I can't do this. It doesn't feel right. I'm not any good. Why me?

These comments leave our lips or infect our thinking and before we know it, the energy within us - digging away at our psyche - furrows deeper ruts into habits that make poor use of our resources. Time is squandered, emotions are drained and our useful energy has been wasted.

We all have energy within us to do whatever we have to do. It pumps our blood that fuels whatever level of physical, emotional and mental activity awaiting us. And just like so many natural resources today, we waste it.

Pacing, fidgeting, eating, drinking, fighting, peeling out of parking lots and shouting expletives. Unfocused energy which can no longer be contained, leaks out. Because our bodies must move. We must do. We have a natural flow that requires motion. When we resist, avoid, balk and hinder, we give our nervous system few choices in how to cope.

Is this the way to be? Sloshing, waving, in turbulence? Out of focus and uncontrolled, it's not a manageable existence. Step one of managing ourselves is determining what steps need to be taken. And you've guessed it, step two is taking them.

No more sloshing, avoidant behaviors. No more excuses. Take the steps. Enough said.

Learning to recognize stop signs

Sometimes we don't quite recognize important stop signs. Whether it's written in an unfamiliar language or a new color or shape, a stop sign is a stop sign, and therefore we must STOP!

In our daily communication, stop signs are written in a number of ways. We must get familiar with recognizing them and adjust our behavior accordingly. For instance, most of us communicate fairly well, yet we should become aware of 3 indicators of barrier producing habits. In other words, there are 3 stop signs to get familiar with and adjust our behavior when there.

First: When we expect our listeners to have a different opinion. If in these circumstances we respond as we always respond, there is a chance the impact we make will be disasterous. We may either avoid the communication or push through.

Second stop sign: When our emotions are challenged. Now it is possible we will create disaster, it may impact relationship as well. Unless we develop objectivity our decision-making is at peril.

Third stop sign: When risk escalates. At this point our senses are heightened, limiting our good judgement. If we don't stop our typical behavior we may create irreparable damage and regret our actions.

These signs are important to pay attention to, so we develop self-management as well as the savvy to lead and influence others. Through this we are able to speak with confidence.

I know. I am an introvert, someone who often held myself back. Yet I had ideas that needed to be shared, skills with people, that when used, could make a difference. Regardless, for quite some time I held myself back. I assumed people would have a different opinion from me, so I didn't offer mine. Repeatedly I avoided connecting with people, yet when they reached out to me my emotions were challenged. Eventually, it led me to isolation, risking my sense of self. All three stop signs were there, yet I didn't know how to manage myself when I saw them. Unfortunately, this created disastrous results. I lost all confidence.

Today I am glad to say that when any of these signs show up, I can now manage myself. The signs may be spelled out differently, yet there is enough familiarity to me that I know to now modify my responses to adjust.

What a difference being aware of these signs has made.

Running on Fumes

Within a year of getting my driver's license, one of my biggest fears as a 16-year old was running out of gas. All I could picture was being stranded on a rural county road with no more fuel in the tank and the red light indicator blinding me.

Of course that was before the time of cell phones, so I also pictured myself walking at 10pm to a nearby farmhouse to seek a gallon of gas. An introvert, I would have hated simply ASKING for the gas, let alone dealing with the conditions of pitch dark, fear of danger on the isolated road, the search for a farmhouse and the need to find a willing neighbor.

Ironically, I don't have the same fear when I've metaphorically exhausted my fuel with early mornings and late nights. I don't consider that I may collapse under pressure - instead I fear I will look bad. So I get up early to hit the gym, to work out with Ipod tunes and get my body revved up, thinking there is a spare tank in there somewhere, and collapsing exhausted in the evening once I let myself shut down.

When it's up to me to personally run on fumes, my heart instead of my head wins out. When I'm loving my activities I keep pushing them, driven by enthusiasm - the fumes of passion. But when I am presented the opportunity to commit to activities I'm uninterested in, my head wins out. NO, I say. I need my rest. I need my space. I will have to pass.

Seemingly the fumes I choose to run on are selective. That's a good thing, though. It allows me to prioritize, commit and develop a practice of refueling, so I can drive forward with confidence. Nothing but green lights and Full signals going on here!

Unexpected Gifts

Eventhough my reactions may vary, I enjoy getting gifts, whether expected or not. When the gift is expected, (birthday, holiday, achievement, formal recognition)there is heightened anticipation of what level of choice the giver has made on my behalf. Is the gift personal, pertinent, whimsical, monetary, extravagant, sensible, etc. So when I encounter the moment, levels of anticipation compound through my experience.

Once the Package is opened, will I approve of the choice? I would hope that regardless of the gift, the giver's intention is of primary importance. Yet I know myself enough to be critical of the selection, which means sometimes I am worse off than before I opened the gift if I momentarily hope for something in particular and then end up with an unrelated, maybe less than desired result.

There are even times when the gift is so extravagant I feel guilty. What's that about? Actually, I think it's about my unwillingness to be extravagant with my resources when it comes to myself that I am just as cheap when giving to others. Very telling awareness. This awareness has lately led me to consider other perspectives on human behavior.



Our level on Maslow's hierarchy of needs determines our reaction to unexpected gifts. Or at least that's my understanding of human behavior.

Depending on what level of needs we personally attribute to ourselves, we respond in willingness to give to others. For instance, those of us simply eeking out an existence will be downright basic in our response to a monetary gift. If we are handed a $20 bill, we will either seek to accomplish a basic need (food, shelter, sex, etc.) or buy a comfort we would otherwise not afford (dessert, alcohol/liquor, toy,etc.) Regardless, our focus is on ourselves, since so far we view ourselves as without priviledge.

The higher our view of our own priviledge, the quicker we respond with willingness to give to others. So let's say we are given the same $20 and this time we feel our basic needs are met and so are many of our psychological needs. Now we may turn our focus to giving the money for the good of those around us. Our enjoyment shifts from spending on us to spending on others.

The more we feel confident, respected, accomplished the higher our frequency of giving.

Recently I was recognized as an expert by several business professionals and highly rewarded with given the opportunity to travel on someone else's expense account while being paid (well) to deliver a quality service. At first I wanted to share in this travel with my partner Kim, and then realized I should never expect the client to endorse that expense. Suddenly it dawned on me I could definitely afford to provide this treat for someone else, so I decided to offer the trip as an early birthday present to Kim.

What a gift the giving was! For her it suddenly validated her value when I shared my interest in sharing the opportunity. For me it told me I am finally growing up. I can cause someone else to enjoy a gift. Although my business efforts have been focused over 10 years, I haven't often seen the reward. Now I do. It's in the giving.

When unexpected gifts come my way, I respond based on my impression of where I stand on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. The higher I stand, the better my response will be. This tells me I must continue the drive toward both psychological and self-fulfillment needs. That allows me to truly receive gifts by giving.

'Never Feeling Good Enough?'

'Never Feeling Good Enough?'

Bumping into the world

I ran into a basket pole on the school playground when I was 12 and smashed my glasses. Yet the alarming thing to me was immediately afterwards finding half my front two teeth still stuck to the pole. Ouch. Oh, were my parents going to be upset.

Walking home from school afterwards my mind was in a whirl around how I would broach the topic. Yet all I needed to do was walk in the back door with my glasses on and see the look on mom's face. Then I grinned sheepishly and mom almost fainted. The remaining teeth weren't pretty.

It seems I've often spent my time bumping into the world. That day it was simply because I wanted to practice "catch" before an upcoming softball game, yet knew the field was muddy. So my friend and I tossed and caught on the playground. I forgot where I was when I took off running backwards, watching the overhead lob, and then smashed into the cement pole on the BB court. I guess you could say I was stunnned.

Simply because I let my emotions get a hold of me. I am an "in the moment" responder to life. My spirit soars when I live fully in this way, yet often I bump into the world because I haven't thought things out in advance. After years of being that way, I eventually entered a very adult life with a strategy.

Strategy took me a long time to understand. Today I have learned the need to be objective about facts and perspectives yet balance it with passion around acting on them. It's a constant balancing act for sensitive, people-focused people like me. Yet without this balance, life experiences could lead me to believe that I'm out of focus, even fragmented from all the emotional peaks and valleys.

Today I still bump into the world, but now I look for the bigger picture more often. And if I've forgotten to, I remember to calm down, pick up the pieces and study the lesson. I get a lot of them.