Passion. Rigor. Purpose.

We're sitting here watching the movie Julie Julia and it dawns on me so many of us don't have what it takes.

Or maybe it's just me.

There are days rigor is left by the wayside. By this I mean, the gym is skipped, planning is put aside and flexibility - when it's convenient - becomes the focus.

Managing self, that necessary ingredient to focusing on what's important, the key to not letting things get out of hand and putting the best light on the situation, begins with routine. Like setting the alarm for the same time daily, and getting up with it. Scooping the cat litter twice at regular times. Creating a system for putting the laundry through, ironing, polishing the shoes and routinely checking for cat hair on your clothes before leaving home.

Better yet, establishing routine, even rigor, with following through on small tasks leads us to accomplishing things that will make us proud. Especially the important things regarding family, values, career.

What ways do you establish and follow through on routines that support what is important to you? Let me know, really, because I need more insight into this. Part of my career focus is in helping individuals, professionals, create the boundaries that are important to them and break down those that hold them back.

I am very passionate about this. At the end of the day, when we have followed through on those things so important to us, we feel as though we exist.



It is a struggle, no question about it. Yet the energy that goes into anything of importance comes out the other end in multiples through our own feeling of accomplishment, through the recognition and support of others and through any other product that comes as a result.

Rent the movie Julie and Julia. Better yet, define your passion. From there your rigor and resolve will carry you into defining the importance of your struggle compared to the result.

Send me your insight. Really.

As clear as...

I love swimming. Born a Pisces, my body takes to water like tires to the road. Sparkling water, a bit of a ripple and I'm ready to soak in the surroundings energized by the powerful connection of nature to spirit.

On the other hand, sludge is such an energy sapper. It is visual proof of no movement, of static life. It bogs me down and everything around me.

I find communication similar to water. Clear language compounded with similar non-verbals gives energy to conversation. Participants respond with questions, with feedback, with interest in resolving the moment. Yet, insert vague word choice, lack of feedback and blank stares and nothing happens. The energy of those involved is spent. Conversation is stymied.

You remember those times you were with someone who didn't respond, who perhaps simply smiled when a smile was incongruent. It takes us by surprise - much like a muddy pond. We try to back away, to not stick our toes in, to search for something a bit more involved. Yet we may actually take the challenge to find the movement, to create a ripple and see how long it lasts.

I remember when dating in high school, I would often sit in cars on the return trip with nothing to say. Out of pleasantries, my mind drained of topics, I would stare out the window, longing to escape the interior, to move. Yet I know the driver felt even more ill at ease, because of my shyness which led to short answers and limited eye contact.

Was this because I didn't like my companion? No. More likely, I didn't know what I liked. I hadn't taken the time to prepare my thoughts, to consider my views, to develop my interests, to question others, to seek information nor to love things around me. So when with others, suddenly I began considering my views - and now they weren't clear. I wanted to seek information, yet I didn't know how. I realized I had very few interests and now my thoughts were inconclusive.

My language was vague. "I don't know" was a common phrase. "That's cool" was another.

Stymied communication may lead us to seeking movement, if we are up to it. If the individual is interesting enough, if the time together is captive or if we are up to the challenge. But it won't last long. When communication is clear as mud, it bogs us down. Like mud caking on our skin, vague communication is irritating, bothersome and leaves us searching for refreshment. For escape.

I'm a Pisces. I see why I was so stymied as a youth and young adult. I was meant to swim through conversation, to move with pizazz, yet my fears of the water held me back. I needed the confidence to get my toes wet - to jump in. Regardless of the grace, I had to attempt social conversations, to put myself on the edge and dive right in. To continue, despite the scorecard results, so I could develop the skills. Without that experience, I couldn't have become the "lifeguard" around the communication pool today.

Night of Peace

I so enjoy peace.

A creature bent towards contemplation, I refuel when lights are low, candles are burning, soft music is playing and I can put my thoughts in order.

Night skies with great expanse calm my mind. In 1992 I spent 8 weeks in the Catskills with the National Shakespeare Conservatory, studying theatre classics, physical discipline and focus. The days were packed with intense mental, intellectual and emotional stretching. We were in an isolated setting, yet with four to a cabin there was no quiet space even during quiet time. That's when I sought out the mountains' trails, small villages nearby and quiet coves. In the evenings, the owls, the lighter traffic and the small town glows always brought me back to home.

That's how I released my angst. An introvert, I can be sociable, friendly and nice, yet especially back then, I was passive aggressive and needed release. The performance arts helped me release tension on stage, paving the way for even more practical application in everyday life - creating healthy release of tension, refueling my energies and staying focused on what's important.

Fast-forwarding ahead 17 years and several maturity levels, I cherish the peace most when in the evening. And the best night of peace is Sunday.

Evening quickly covers the sky in the Eastern timezone and with winter edging in, warm light and red wine are staples that add extra glow. This is how my spirit smiles.

Visions of the Intangible

Not everything that can be measured is important. What can be measured is usually the tangible, black and white facts. The numbers. Actions. The hard skills.



Yet try to run a business without soft skills. Without effective interpersonal skills, suddenly profitability suffers, personnel issues mount, decision-making is limited and chaos reigns. Because what is important starts with attitude, the intangible, and flows through our communication - whether verbal or non-verbal.

Many experts and executives focus on the Hard Skills - those tangible, fact driven elements that are black and white; credentials that prove employability, professional development and technical merit. It is suggested these qualities are what sets apart the wheat from the chaff.

This thinking overlooks a key ingredient.



Human drive comes from the energy around us. The compelling force that accepts, approves and appreciates. (Thank you, Les Giblin!) See this force in social settings and transfer it into others. Before long, the timid individual begins to see themselves in new ways.



There is nothing like confidence. We experience it in how we see ourselves as well as in its impact on those around us. In time we begin to see visions of our values through life and activity around us. The more we see, the greater it amplifies our drive to continue expressing those values.

Last week I missed church again, the third week in a row. The first two I was out of town, and although I missed getting the usual dose of spirit, I moved on, discovering it in other ways. This time, I really missed the people. And I even felt guilty that I'm not being a good member. All because I've felt accepted, approved of and appreciated. This week will have a different result. I'll show up.

Although one could measure my attendance, that isn't the important piece. My spirit, and the energy I gain from those around me is what's of value. Measure that? No. But can we see it? Yes.



Anyone who tries to tell you what's important is what gets measured needs their spirit re-booted. Look around you. Do you see energy? Reflect on your sense of self. Are you feeling accepted, approved of and appreciated? Notice the eyes of those around you, and you'll see whether they feel that way. Then do something to boost the energy, to reach out to others and to drive what's important.

All We Have

Because our name is so familiar to us, we forget its value. When introducing ourselves, we skimp at our name's importance, sloughing it off as second-rate, or mumbling it as unimportant.

At the end of the day, our name is all we have. Either we live up to it or live it down.

We make the choice. And in the choosing, we manage our impact, the impact on how others perceive us, God's creatures.

The Oliver in Us

Is it worth the waiting for
If we live til 84
All we ever get is gruel

Every day we say our prayer
Will they change the bill of fare
Still we get the same old gruel...

We all close our eyes and imagine:
Food, glorious food....
Hot sausage and mustard
While we're in the mood
Cold candy and custard

Food, glorious food
We're tempted to try it
Three banquets a day
Our favorite diet

Oh food, wonderful
Food, marvelous
Food, glorious food

For the Olivers in us
For what you are about to receive,
May the Lord make you truly thankful

Amen!

Playing It Safe

"See a penny, pick it up. All day long you'll have good luck!"

For years I've been collecting pennies, taking them to the bank and getting rewarded for the discipline of stooping over. Maybe it earns me a night out on the town. A new pair of jeans. Or the chance to dump them all onto the floor simply to stack them in neat stacks of ten, count and discover how much I've saved.

If you were to ask me about playing the lottery or gambling, I'd say it's a waste of money. But then came the chance to visit Vegas and play the penny slots. Again, I pondered letting money just slip through my hands. For what did I know about gambling?

I am not a card counter, nor do I really understand how to strategize about winning. But with the slot machine, there couldn't be strategy, right? It's just about luck. And hearing the whir of the spins. Watching the lights flash while in play. Hoping to land that moment when bells ring and coins pile onto the floor.

Yep, I decided to take the chance to play the slots. The step I was willing to take is saying YES to the 1 cent machines. But first I separated the coins in our jars and baskets into penny and silver piles. I counted them, bagged them into a freezer-sized ziplock and stuck it into our carry-on so they never left my sight.

My partner Kim told me perhaps it would be easier to manage if we took them to the bank, changed the coins into bills and stuck them into our wallets.

"But then we'd just have to change them back when playing the slot machines."

I couldn't wait to feed them one cent at a time into the machines, pull down the lever and spin the fruit. I didn't want to waste our time having a cashier convert them for us.

Ha!

Slot machines aren't quite made that way any more. They accept singles, fives, tens and twenties. No pennies. And now that I've learned how to place bets on them, per spin and lines of play, I see why. A spin isn't really worth just a penny. Not unless you're playing to waste your money. To make it worth your while, I learned, you must play several lines of fruit at a time, and bet at least a penny (usually more) per line. But it took me quite awhile to risk spending my money that way before learning how to play.

Playing it safe, whether with slot machines, business, relationships or life, just leaves me wanting more. Sometimes playing it safe is avoiding setting limits. Just letting life come at us and deciding then and there what to do. The irony is that is the most risky way to approach life - without thinking things through. Without creating a strategy. Without taking it seriously.

Just as slot machines have evolved to let people take risks after having determined their own limits, we as humans have evolved to handle more than we usually allow ourselves. We too often avoid the challenge we're so equipped to handle - conversations, stellar performances, physical or mental endurance - because we choose to Play It Safe.

What would other people say if they knew we took such a risk?

Life brings us opportunities every day. Just like with pennies, if we ignore picking up the opportunity, then we are sending signals to the universe that we are unaccepting of gifts being brought our way. When we say NO to things that are manageable, we eventually feel the need to say YES to things that aren't.

20 Behaviors that Limit Success

Behaviors we may have once revered as key to success are now seen as those which lock us out of career opportunities.

Thou Shalt Test Thyself

Test thyself.
Ever wonder what happened to this commandment? Before Moses went up the mountain, he heard it directly from God.

"Test Thyself".

"What? Is someone talking to me? No way. I must be hearing things."

"Come back here. Test thyself," God repeated.

"Huh? Is that bush on fire? Oh my God, I need to get out of here!

"Moses, test thyself. Stay put and listen to me."

"Huh?"

"Lead my people," was the command. "Tell Pharaoh to let my people go."

"What?" Moses responded. "I'm afraid of talking."

"Are you questioning me?" God continued.

"No, but God, I don't like to talk. I'm afraid."

"Look at what you're doing right now. You're standing up to me. What could be more terrifying than standing up to God?"

And God continued...

"Don't you know there are things you can do that you've not yet even tried? You've been skirting around the issue lately. You keep crying out in frustration for the sake of other Israelites who are being mistreated, yet you run away hiding, afraid to let any of the Egyptians know it. Do you think only they have power? You aren't testing yourself."

"But I wouldn't know what to say."

"You're doing a mighty fine job of holding up the conversation right now, Moses. I think you've passed the test. What could be more important and awe-inspiring than talking to me, the great I AM?"

You'd think of all commandments, Moses would have written this one down first. Thou Shalt Test Thyself.

Hundreds of years later, Jesus repeated the command, our Great Commission - Love One Another. Revealing it in the parable of the Good Samaritan and others, as well as to his disciples when instructing them on how to go out into the world, he essentially said, Test Thyself.

Yet all we focus on is the identified TEN commandments. Eight of which tell us what NOT to do, and two commandments that reveal very passive actions (I know, it's an oxymoron): Honor thy parents and Keep the Sabbath. Where is our Active sense of stepping up to the bush in these commandments?

Did Moses forget the very first commandment he was given before he even went up the mountain? Is this why he dropped the original set of tablets -because he didn't want us all to be in the position to test ourselves?

It's easy to see that today we stay focused on protecting ourselves - avoiding the courageous, the uncomfortable, the conflict. Consequently, when we protect ourselves, when we avoid, we live to regret. And God knows we don't want to live with ourselves when we regret.

So Test Thyself. Physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, humbly, professionally, personally, any way we are nudged to become a living example of what is possible when we step up to the burning bush. 

Confidently, discovering when we need help, we will ask for it. Confidently, using our character, our heart and our mind we will experience full use of our abilities. Confidently, realizing that when we make an error - because we will - we will know how to handle it.

Thou Shalt Test Thyself. Today, tomorrow and the next day. Because we are not alone. And we are commanded.

Too Much to Say

My barometer that measures how many words is too much is sharper when I am listening to somebody than when I am the one speaking. If I'm listening to someone who has talked for too long, my fingers start reaching for something to do, my breath goes deeper, and sometimes I even hold my breath. Fairly consistently, my body naturally tells me when someone has had too much to say.

But when talking, well, that's another story. I get in the groove of what I'm sharing and quickly shift from focusing on the listener to instead focusing on me, especially on what comes next to mind. If I have already shared a new perspective or concept, I must add the details that adequately support it, and of course after that, I would offer stories that bring it to life.

All to the complete delight of my audience. Or so I think. Only too late do I notice someone has started making a distracting noise (coughed, slid a chair, interrupted or begun playing with their phone). Yet, at this point I am annoyed at their interruption, not seeing their obvious desire to move on.

Certainly their barometer has reacted much too quickly! How intolerant. How insensitive. Don't they get it?

Obviously, in these cases, I have had too much to say. And with that, I will conclude this post.

8, 10, 16, 24/7

Some people really love what they do.

They start out watching and reading up on their interests. They collect things that demonstrate what these interests are. For me at one time, this was frogs. Not sure why, yet sometime in my junior high years, I began with a single ceramic frog. Soon it evolved into stuffed frogs, photos of frogs, even jewelr. And although I had begun to grow out of this interest, others thought of me and thought of frogs. So I emersed myself into the fad.

That wasn't a full time focus. I had other interests - sports, reading, biking and soon it became theatre. In time I found myself fantasizing, as many teens do, about making my interests a full-time focus. But in reality, I saw little chance of commiting to any of the above, even theatre. That took energy, and I was much too passive.

Today, as I observe folks in their professional lives, I notice the full-time focus of one thing commonly - technology. Since technology used to be the phone, when I was growing up, I shyed away. It required too much investment of my energy in keeping someone else entertained. Today, technology has shifted to keeping the entertaining to SELF.

Email, Ipods, Blackberries, facebook, linkedin, YouTube, twitter, all tend to replace technology, even when we're at work. Yes, it happened. The line was erased between work and play as we gradually focused on the fun and entertaining. Now the lines are erased between work and life itself.

We so easily shift from 8 hour days to 10, or longer as we get caught up in one form of social media or another. We can't turn off and get further distracted. We claim the need to connect and stay connected, for work related reasons. Slowly we see our lives get away from us. Even though we rationalize that we are adding life to work.

I guess the ultimate question is, how do we feel at the end of the day? Do we still love what we do or are we enamored with our toys?

Snowballing on All Hallows Eve

It started at the gym this morning - miscommunication. Yet at that point it was still manageable. Trainer Ed had left Kim a text "We still on?" Minutes before our 6am appt, Kim received it, ignored it at that point, and then after running into Ed at the gym, realized our plans didn't matter.

Our heinies and other appendages got burned. Ed, full of grins and eagerness to put us to the test, showed us our new routine, which we committed to while huffing and puffing. Ed blew the house down. Lunges, Round the Clock, step ups with weights. While he rounded out the 30 minutes, we discovered new muscles that would ache all weekend. That's when, on Oct. 30, in 57 degrees, I began to experience the snow flakes in the air.

They moved in slowly. The morning business schedule called for phone calls, writing and planning prior to a "power" afternoon of back to back commitments: client, conference presentation and another client while fueling up the Jeep, finding time for banking and buying groceries.

Twenty minutes before my first appt, a cancellation call came in. Okay. That allows me to eat lunch prior to heading out for the conference. And maybe enough time to gas up the Cherokee before the responsibilities kicked in.

Luckily I leave early enough to select a good station on the way, pull up, park and pull out my credit card carrier. Hmph. No credit card. Up to now, I had passed through the last few days needing no cash, and had none with me. A quick glance at my fuel supply tells me I can get to my next appt with some to spare, and still have time to pull into home, rummage through pockets in other jackets worn while out, hoping to find the card I used just three days ago still there.

I drive on, early to my conference commitment, and able to make some calls. Unfortunately all I could do was leave messages to my network, yet I felt productive. My presentation buddies showed up, we ran through our program, and feeling prepared and eager to wow the audience, we moved on to our presentation area only to discover a very small turnout. Well, it's Friday afternoon, when many folks are gearing up for Halloween events, and the trick's on us.

A dozen or so seated themselves in our room while we began the presentation, yet Glinda the Good Witch must have been paying attention, for before we ended, the room was fairly full. Success! I glanced at my watch, saw that although I couldn't yet run home to check on my credit card whereabouts, I was still on time, and flew out to my car. At this rate I could make it to my next appt ahead of time, enjoy the bag of treats we presenters were handed and have time to rinse out my mouth prior to coaching.

I entered the public library, our selected location, and heard "attention patrons, the library is now about to close". Cutbacks meant on Fridays they close an hour early. Crap. Scanning the lobby I notice my companion not yet among us, dig out my parking ticket, rush to the garage, pull out and wait on the side street for my client to show. No luck. I dialed him, left word of the predicament, suggesting an alternative and sit back waiting.

Within a few minutes he calls - "Entering your number in my phone. I'm at the vet with my cat on emergency. Can we postpone?" Hmph. Okay, I think. Now I have more time to find my credit card, get gas, buy groceries and still get home in time to enjoy a few beers while reflecting on this day. We end our conversation and I pull off, heading home.

Parking in our condo's garage, I duck into the mailbox nook, key into our box, and seeing a check for me, decide there's time to run down to the bank before heading off to all the other places. The bank closes in 20 minutes. Everything else I can get to later.

Rushing into our downtown unit, I dig through pockets of jackets worn through the week and finally discover the card. Checking the time I notice 20 minutes is left before the bank closes. Since I'm used to walking to the bank, I know I can make it on foot. I grab my keys, my check and leave my purse and phone behind. If someone wants me, I think, they can leave a message.

I fly through the hall, down the side stairs, out the front security gate and cross the street on my path to cutting through parking lots and alleys while jay-walking whenever I can. The intersection lights are in my favor. I make it to the bank in good time. Laying down my keys, I fill out my transaction slip, eyeball the teller I know and move into place ready to deposit and retrieve some cash - finally.

Making small talk while at the window, I quickly gather up my cash, leave the window and hit the exit while considering whether I will drink a beer before jumping in my car to fuel up and get groceries. Sure! Why not? I race across the street, noticing my shoes are starting to hurt. Terrific Halloween costumes on several adults awaiting the bus distract me, quickly taking my mind off my feet.

For such a day full of possible problems, this day hasn't turned out so bad. And I have cash in pocket! I'm cutting through the final parking lot on my way back to our condo's and it hit me. I don't feel the keys in my pocket. Where are my keys? Up ahead is the security gate. I need the fob on my keyring to get inside. And then, I need our unit key to enter. Suddenly my pace has slowed.

Waiting outside the gate for someone to enter takes me 20 minutes. And although we're lucky enough to have a concierge inside who can assist the residents (I'm hoping he can key into our unit), he is nowhere around. His cell phone number is posted at his office, yet I don't have my cell. It's time to sit down. Just sit down and wait. A blister had formed on my left heel, for in the gorgeous weather my feet swelled, rubbing against the back of my shoe. It's now seaping. Gross. As though I needed something else to focus on. While the delay took hold of me, I realized my day has now ended. I will be going nowhere - no gas station, no grocery store, nowhere.

After 15 minutes the concierge arrives - Con, who is Irish - and tells me he was watching me on the monitor, wondering why I was sitting outside. I close my eyes, shake my head and ask, "Will you please let me into my place?" "Of course!" he bellowed. Upstairs we trudged, and while Con told me of his day's maladies, I kept moving down the hall anticipating the one remaining Blue Moon in the refridgerator. Darn. That's going to have to do for now. Without my keys, I can't pick up more at the grocery, and my heel is too sore to walk to the carry out.

Tomorrow is Saturday, October 31. Today was full of tricks. Tomorrow better be full of treats!

Turned on its head!

Out of frustration, we have a tendency to attack ourselves when we miss the mark. We didn't anticipate the opponent's move. We studied the wrong script. We missed the turn-off. Just when we thought we were ready, we discovered just how unprepared we were.

So was the case when I met with a young man over coffee who has been beating himself up over his job search efforts.

"All they want to do is talk about themselves! It feels more like a debate than a conversation, and I don't like it." From the way he rubbed his hands on his thighs and then raked through his hair with his right hand, he demonstrated tangibly his frustration with himself. "I didn't expect to have to listen to them(the hiring managers) talk about themselves and the company. I thought they'd want to know about me."

This young guy wasn't ready for the reality of job fairs and today's approach to the interview.

Similar are the feelings of business developers, new AND seasoned managers, parents and other adults who had it all together until new circumstances and/or change created chaos in their lives. At these times, our thinking gets turned on its head. And like those silly drinking games with baseball bats on the floor and our forehead attached to the handle while we attempt to walk away after spinning around, we get off balance, lose our footing, and walk away embarrased at looking like such an idiot!

We've all been there. The worst case scenario is retreating into isolation until the world is eventually "righted". And the best case scenario is reaching out to a trusting individual and discussing it.

Only then do we realize, it's not us. We aren't idiots. We simply had our world turned around and with eyes open a bit wider now, we can begin to function again. New information gives us better decision-making, stronger motivation and the will to move forward - this time with balance.

We laugh at our mistakes. We anticipate new lessons and slowly pick up speed in building confidence. We're not only predictable - we're good.

Groovin'

8:26pm Gotta pocketful of sunshine. Yep, it's October 28, not the time of year when natural sun shines through the blinds. Still gotta pocketful of sunshine.

Gliding through the hall with a Blue Moon in my right, a rhythm in my left and my feet clickin' to the beat of Natasha Bedingfield while a smile stretches across my face.

Cats have cockeyed looks on their faces. Does this stand in my way? Oh, no. The beat keeps me focused, the 2nd track keeps the beat.

I gotta pocket gotta pocket full of sunshine, oh......I gotta love..gotta love that's all mine.... Oh...........Take me away....

Usual routine is the kitten in my lap, but not tonight. Can't even sit. Gotta stay in the groove.

Take me a way... the secret place....the great escape.... to better days...

I gotta pocket gotta pocket full of sunshine.......

Today another new client, a great event, business makes sense, life is purposeful...just gotta dance...I'll be alright.....

From a Position of Strength

While superman hoists challenges above his head before flinging them out of the way, onlookers can see the effect on his armpits. Does that hold back Superman? No. Does that hold back the rest of us? Well, usually.

The American adage of "Never let them see you sweat" has gripped our collective psyche to the point that many well-equipped individuals avoid challenges.

I must confess, that has often been my stumbling block - fear of how others would view me or my actions when I step up to the challenge. During these challenging times I typically view my perspective from a position of weakness. Not a very appropriate view.

My body responds with butterflies, my face and ears redden and I feel the need to flee just when the universe has brought me an opportunity to demonstrate my value. Instead, I decline.

Looking at this from another perspective, I wish I could just flick some sense into my head. (Usually this comes after tipping a cold brew, yet sometimes it happens while at work, too!) The more I practice stepping up to the plate, facing my challenges with a strategy of using my gifts and talents, I am in the flow...similar to golfer Bagger Vance.




It's about seeing what's possible.  From that view, my strengths calm me, and then I move into action as though being divinely directed. I don't stand in my own way. Instead, I move forward. Coming from a position of strength.

Athletes understand this, as well as stage performers, musicians, wise sages and priests. Tapping into our inner strengths - our gifts - offers us a way to purposely move forward. We all have the potential.

Facing challenges today? Take'em on from a position of strength.

listing to the left...

Yeah, I gotta admit, part of the joy of blogging is finding the appropriate photo to represent the post. And this one is no exception! No, I don't mean to suggest having presidential duties, but if I don't make my list, I lose motivation to follow through with my day. Think Obama is the same way? Well....

Some people spend hours creating lists...at day's end and/or first thing in the morning. The more analytical and orderly the person, the more lists they create. And then they create a list identifying where each list type is found. Sort of a table of contents. That's a bit much. (smile - out of ability to relate) The more they list, the less likely they will actually complete each, for they've wasted so much time creating the list there is no time left to do anything about it!

Yet I have to say, without my list of specific tasks all for a workday's focus (full of not only names to call but phone numbers specific to each recipient, things intended in the conversation and my specific "asks" per person) I drag my feet prior to getting tasks done. I have to review the weekly goals to remember how my tasks support them. Once done, I fly through my tasks. What a difference knowing how each tasks supports the overall goal!

You'd think I would have gotten so good at this, working in my coaching business for nearly 10 years (and coaching individuals not only in relationship management but in TASK management also) that it all becomes second nature to know what to do next, and I no longer need to create lists for motivation. But that's not the case. And most folks I know who rely on lists ALSO tend to get away from the routine, lose focus, lose momentum and lose their ability to feel productive at the end of the day.

I wonder how Obama feels at the end of the day? Has he checked anything off his list?

Listing is why post-it notes, scrap pads of paper and task reminders are such a huge part of office supply shops and software office programs. Maybe it's why I love walking through office supply shops, touching pads of paper, trying out pens and flipping through filing tools. It slows me down, develops that organizing appeal and allows my "service" gene to stretch. Or maybe it's just another way to make us of good ole' procrastination.

I'm sure I'll continue listing. Just as many other, well-intentioned, driven and motivated people will. Whether we list to the left, list to the right, stand up, sit down or fight, fight, fight! I hope you keep doing it, too. Otherwise, you may not call me back, follow through with your promises or save the world on someone else's behalf.

Just remember to do the work, so you get to check it off your list! Our President has at least checked off one item. :)

If I Could Talk to the Animals

Another morning I'm up before 4am, not by design, but because instead of running conversations through my head as I lie awake, I chose to go downstairs to "play on my laptop". In so doing, two feline friends, Amber and Frisbee, shifted from sleeping contentedly at head and feet to flying downstairs with me.

After I collected my laptop and headed for the daybed, Carmel, another cat who endured me just long enough while I petted her, pounced away from her cozy perch onto the floor and out the door.

I don't like being up so early on another workday, fully expecting to hit the snooze at least once before I get to the gym at 5:30, yet now I'm up at least an hour ahead of time, not appreciative but preferring to make good use of the time. After reading a few emails, I notice activity around me from 4 fully awakened cats as they jockey for position, posturing and pouncing. Buddy sauntered in to check out the food dish that Frisbee finally left while Amber and Caramel took turns catching my eye in front of the other.

Only Caramel was ticked off from being awakened. Yet that was even short-lived, evidenced from her drool while I petted the top of her head. The others demonstrated their appreciation of being awake and functioning, of having my attention.

"Thanks for realizing we are here," they seemed to say. "And while you're at it, refill our food. Come pet me again. Watch me run and knock over the vase of flowers. I bet you never saw another cat jump down so quickly while keeping its fur in place."

My attitude is now much different than when I first awoke. Thanks to the energy in this room. As the clock ticks on, and I've fully awakened, I can actually smile -which attracts notice from Amber sitting in my lap. Good thing I can't read their minds. If I could, I may actually be upset right now.

How much is Good Enough?

Not long ago I sat across from a client who asked me, "Who gets to say whether I'm good enough?"

The context of our conversation focused on a recurring theme today: job seeking. Whether those prepping to land their next position are asking guidance from experts on resume building, interviewing effectively, networking or image, the bottom line is a rather pitty experience of whether they measure up.

Contrast this with watching TLC's What Not to Wear(one of my favorite shows, by the way!), attending an audition, prepping for a big presentation or tournament competition. Being Good Enough is such an opinion-driven, in-the-moment experience. And who gets to be the judge?

As a confidence-building speaking coach, I lead clients to look to themselves for being able to pass scrutiny. Consider first what IS good enough in your own eyes. Then dismiss all the fluff as extra. Perhaps we are considering appearance, actions, results, how to spend money, how to use our time. When we know what is most important to us, we will measure our actions, our behaviors and our words to those values. Anything beyond that is TOO MUCH.

As adults, we are in the position to make choices. This, consequently, becomes a model for youth and young adults. Those who are driven by their parents, or peers or celebraties to push themselves beyond thier limits, especially regarding things that make little difference, will soon become victim of the Not Being Good Enough syndrome.

Decide. How much is good enough - and then be good with it!
Please share, what is your measuring stick?

Up to the highest height

I'm not sure which Greek sage first announced, "Know thyself". It is attributed to at least six. While presently the thought shows up in the modern-day film,The Matrix, on a plaque above the Oracle's door, the saying encourages us to achieve our potential.

Today is Sunday. This weekend I observed myself through attention to others while my family came to visit. The gene pool lever knocked on the back of my mind while I noticed a key habit of my father's - the quick release jaw during laughing. I have always been mindful of how often my mouth flies open wide when attempting to kick a ball, shoot a basket or block a shot.

Although I have meant to adjust that habit so my tongue isn't quite so evident, I never think about it soon enough. Well sure enough, Dad's does, too. And not just when he's attempting a physical feat. It's also when he exclaims, laughs and wonders.

Just when I began shaking my head in wonderment, I noticed it again. My mouth had flown open. Suddenly I was aware that this behavior was not learned but natural. It can not be controlled.

Sure, Pythagorus, Socrates, Plato - all the ancient philosophers - have led us to reach our highest height of understanding self while witnessing those around us: actions, behaviors, morals, habits. Even applying this to our understanding of God, the universe, and our collective consciousness.

Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height
Let's go fly a kite
And send it soaring.
Up to the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear.
Oh, let's go, fly a kite.

On this sacred day of days, what I have discovered about myself gives me little sense of divinity. My opportunity of flying a kite, of discovering enlightenment, has led me instead to sucking in flies.

Reaching Into the Great Beyond

About a month ago I had coffee with someone who, not surprisingly, expressed her fear of making phone calls. My coaching work often leads me to those in business development who feel anxiety when using the phone to call upon strangers while seeking business. Cold-calling is a drudgery for many in sales, yet it leads to the eventual result - an appointment.

In this case a month ago, my companion wasn't reaching out to make a sales call. She was instead attempting to discover information about herself. She experiences social anxiety - something many experience at varying degrees, yet we have often heard it called "shyness". According to Jonathon Berent, ACSW, when we call ourselves shy, we avoid control over our condition. Calling ourselves socially anxious, we "are on our way to a more relaxed, fulfilling life in which we are in control".

I was forewarned to expect a call from my socially anxious companion, and within a week, she called. Now that's amazing. I remember thinking I'd never hear from her, for after all, what was motivating her to reach out? Yet she did call.

While on the phone she mentioned her fear of phoning, allowing me to marvel at the followthrough. Beyond that was her fear of meeting in public. Yet her intent in making the call was two-fold: could my coaching help her address her anxiety in specific ways, and if I thought so, could we meet?

After I shared my willingness to learn more about her, we agreed to meet. I selected a comfortable coffee shop convenient to both of us, while also very "public". If our work together was to be effective, it would get demonstrated immediately by our public location. My new acquaintance agreed and 2 days later we sat down together with coffee.

Reaching out into the great beyond, this woman chose to conquer her problems and overcome the symptoms that get in her way. Like others, she has constantly held herself back from relationships, personal fulfillment and career moves simply because of her embarrassment, fear or loss of confidence when assuming others are judging her.

Odd as it seems, this is a common factor we all face, daily. Daily. Often hourly.
We retreat back into isolation when our mind - logic - informs us it is time to reach out. Yet our fears of the result - our emotion - blocks us from following through with our intentions.

The manager considers checking in with a direct report, yet struggles with being unable to answer endless questions, hearing negative talk or having to make a decision he/she doesn't want to make. The sales professional avoids the client who wants a return call, fearing their dissatisfaction, or they fear cold-calling which leads to lack of interest or feeling of no value.

In our personal relationships we simply want positive reinforcement. When we don't get it, we assume things beyond what's actually the case.

Initiating contact with people is not always, but sometimes, a huge risk. But as in the earlier woman's case, it leads to information we need. And from there, possible connections that are of major importance. In the meantime, we find we have a more relaxed, fulfilling life in which we are in control.

In what way can you reach out instead of retreating, today?

Slow to Fast

One of the joys of living in urban Columbus is having eating and drinking establishments a few steps away. We're 1 block from the nearest coffee and bagel shop, 1 block from a tapas restaurant, and able to walk to tens more choices of bar restaurants within 2 to 10 minutes.

Like many urban dwellers, we keep little in the cupboards, yet we don't go hungry. Nor is fast food the routine. Although our diet restricts most meats, carbohydrates and sweets (no snacks are in our cupboards), we enjoy eating. Give us humus, eggs, beans, fruit, yogurt, nuts and vegetables, and we're good. While out eating, similar finds are noted on menu's, and with little need to loss sight of our diet, we enjoy. I can still enjoy the eventual fries or pancakes, yet now my body responds poorly when it happens too often.

Today, while on the treadmill at the gym, I read about the fasting of one of Dan Brown's characters, Ma'Lak, in The Lost Symbol. His attachment to it is the purification his body goes through. That's what got my interest. Ma'Lak glories in his control over his body, his decision to fast, to sacrifice and to get through it. Two days of liquids, nothing more. Two days of focusing on the enjoyment of self-discipline.

Discipline is a lost art, today. For the most part, discipline comes with personal benefit that is not immediate: diet, exercise, practice of skills, cold-calling, and other long-term, preventitive and proactive behaviors. In the American way of life, we stay so fast-paced with enjoyment, entertainment, impulsive behaviors, that our eating habits follow suit.

Though some take pleasure in food preparation, few take pleasure in exercising food discipline enough to partake in eventual fasting. When it comes to diet in America fast-fooding, not fasting, fast-fooding takes precedence! Habits that lead us quick to mouth are in control. When our stomachs talk to us, growling in hunger, we respond almost immediately.

Unless our faith encourages fasting and prayer, most of us would not practice this sacrifice. We are slow to fast, quick to eat. Does this mean we have no self-control?Perhaps we are seldom fulfilled in ways other than eating. If that's the case, we would jump at any chance to eat, simply to gain fulfillment.

I'm not sure, yet, whether I will try fasting. Many logical excuses come to mind as I consider it. Yet I do know that life fulfillment is worth exploring in ways other than using plate, fork, fingers and teeth.

Less Than Half Empty

It's beer:30 on my day off. I've worked up a sweat on this first day of October, sitting on the rooftop while reading. Hard to believe, but it actually feels like it's 80 degrees up here! After an hour, suffering, I go inside, reach for a cold brew - a real brew! not the MGD 64 substitute I usually find in the fridge - so I can feel that click in my head that relaxes me.

Because so far this day has been only mildly relaxing. Sleep in until 7, skip the gym, have breakfast out while reading the new Dan Brown release, go to the river and watch kids throw bread crumbs to the ducks.

I need another way to relax. I've slowed my pace, yet I need to FEEL it. Beer:30 usually does the trick. Good thing Blue Moon has twist offs - I don't want to waste anytime digging for a beer bottle opener. Now, it's time to go full tilt.

Yep, that works. That works well. And since I'm a little hungry, I reach for the Quick Fix. Dry roasted peanuts are a great companion to beer. On your day off, you take a break from routine, whether it's work, meals, the gym or anything else on the schedule. Days off are meant to be lived without routine.

I'm running out of beer. On the contrary, I'm laughing. Even singing...."Blue Moon, you make me..." Okay I forget the words to that song. What I do know is, drinking Blue Moon on a relatively empty stomach creates a joy I forgot was possible. Wait - I thought I had another still in the side door of the refridgerator - now that's an odd word, isn't it? Refridgerator? Doesn't "re" mean "again"? What got fridged again?

You're not supposed to let cold beer get warm and then iced down again. I know a guy who bought a case from a carryout, yet by the time he got home it was warm, so he returned it and actually got a replacement since he claimed to have received it warm!

Has my Blue Moon been iced down after it got warm? Can I pull that off? Pulling out the cash to run down to the carryout, I'm laughing. Can you imagine the look on that guy's face when I ask him if he can prove the beer I bought from him before was iced without first getting warm?!

Naw, I don't think I can deliver the punch line without laughing. My bottle is less than half empty and I have to do something about this. I need a FULL Blue Moon.

Running down to the local carryout, I open the door, look for the Blue Moon section and spot a new entry on the chilled shelf: Full Moon. Yes!!!! Does that mean you can just keep tipping?? I turn to the owner who has just finished serving a customer, laughing and pointing, my mouth wide open.



"I love it!" I said. "A Full Moon for my Beer:30!" He just looked as though he was looking right through me. "What?" he said.

Then I look further and see the seasonal distinction. For the winter months. Huh? Who wants a cold beer in the winter months? Aha! No wonder they stay full then! Blue Moon is pretty clever!

Finally, I see the Belgian White - the Belgian-Style Wheat Ale. "Oh, good. That will replace what I've been drinking," I say aloud to the owner, who by now has made some decisions about me and my behavior.

As I approached the checkout, I ask him what time it is. "Ten minutes til 4," he replies. "Good, that still gives me enough time to enjoy these six while it's beer:30."

"Blue moon, " I hum while exiting, suddenly remembering to check the temperature of the bottles I'm carrying out. And instead of asking my owner friend if they were able to keep the bottles chilled while re-stocking, I decide I need to run home before they get warm. Perfect. I'll work up a sweat, need the twist-off cap to quickly come off, then can enjoy the first at full tilt before I reach for the peanuts again.

What a day off.

Stirring the Pot

This morning I made oatmeal for breakfast, different from my daily eggs routine. I needed a new warmth - comfortable and laced with sweet. As I stirred the oats, I anticipated the sticking sensation, the heft and cling to the wooden spoon. Refreshing.

Quickly the oats boiled, puffed and worked their magic in the pot, while I stirred, eagerly awaiting the addition of the brown sugar. Turning off the burner and putting the matching lid on the pot, I then reached up for the brown sugar canister - one of the finest staples in the kitchen. With spoon in hand, I dove into the canister, pulling out several scoops while planting them into my ceramic bowl. I left the chunks, chunky.

Once the hot oatmeal hit the bottom of the brown sugared bowl, I stirred. Stirring, I saw the swirls of sugar color my oatmeal. With measured doses of milk, again I transformed both the consistency and the color of my breakfast. Creamy white mixed in with the earthy brown. Too much stirring and the swirls dissolved - just enough and the diverse blend of ingredients held their own, like thick threads in fabric.

My bowl was clean before I even sat down. Warm in my hands, I cupped it against my body while dipping and swirling the oatmeal onto spoon and into my expecting taste buds.

It's that time of year when my soul reaches for nourishment. Depth and enlightenment in new possibilities. I stir the pot. Again ready for the next dose. The thick oats, purifying milk and earthy brown sugar. Let it fall into place.

Breakthrough Blockbuster

Those of us who grip the steering wheel of life like we're on a collision course may have re-considered the seatbelt or breaks once we saw the movie, CRASH.

Don Cheadle, Sandra Bullock and others keep us on edge during the violent pace when the scenes of 36 hours of their characters' lives weave into pure impact with others. This blockbuster's blend of corporate stress, cultural tensions and a little girl's faith in her daddy's angel shift us from reality to divine as we ponder the bigger picture of how we are all connected, even when we wish not to be.

Unmercifully my tears broke forth as I observed a scene wrought with fatality, seconds before key characters realized their fate. The gracefully crafted scene of daddy and daughter brings the violent, angst-ridden language of previous scenes to their knees. In this moment all of us viewers understand IMPACT.

From that scene forward,IMPACT is utterly all we can see as the rest of the movie unfolds. How the actions, the attitudes, the words of each character led to distressing results.

Yesterday, while I was with a wonderful person, I witnessed IMPACT of his thinking and actions while awareness came crashing down on him. In his case, as in the case of the blockbuster movie, the essence of life came to a standstill. Presence. In the now. All he could see was facial expressions. Proof of the impact he made on others. His daily treadmill of life, a common collision-course for gunning the gas and shifting into another gear dissolved.

As I watched, I witnessed his reactions to the impact he made on others. It started with contorted pain. His lip muscles working to hold back twitches, to slow his breathing and to deny the response his anger and awareness couldn't help but create.
And then frozen. He was speechless, focused and transported elsewhere.

Suddenly the pain relaxed and his eyes glazed over, his breath caught and held. Divine intervention flowed through him. He saw himself for what he had done, owned it, and with new breath, resolved to make things right. Once he crashed, took responsibility and allowed divine intervention, he found peace. Just as in the breakthrough blockbuster movie.

Sure, it would be better to never crash at all, but we're human.

At a loss for words

Live and in color - breathing shallowly, red-faced, and beginning to sweat, my mind races while I search for something to say. Looking for a sign, a clue, something for my mind to pick up on.

No, I'm not on stage right now. But feeling at a loss for words on stage has happened to me. There, I could at least respond to something else in the moment. Nor am I feeling this way in front of a group giving a presentation. Yet again, this has happened there, too. In front of a group I would ask for a cup of water, see how much time is left - something to momentarily divert focus, giving my mind a chance to connect to a congruent thought worth expressing.

Right now, in the "fight" mode of "fight or flight", I scan the surroundings, insisting my mind lose it's hold on the inner workings of my brain where it's stuck in the emotional, not the thinking side.

"What have you accomplished?", the question repeated in my head, as I momentarily looked at my interested companion slowly manipulating the coffee cup on the table.

I have noticed some people are better at being at a loss for words than I am. They shrug it off, letting the moment pass without incident. It seems there is no drama. Their hands don't shake, their skin tone remains the same and they stay even-keeled and non-plussed.

Perhaps they remark with simple responses such as, "Oh I don't think in terms of accomplishments," or "Who has really accomplished anything these days?", diverting the focus and redirecting conversation. Even suggesting a vulnerable response like, "Oh, nothing to write home about" while grinning, shifts the mood from serious to light-hearted.

But during the times when I wasn't prepared to respond with proof of my value, yet cared to, I, the literalist, couldn't identify anything worthy of note. Especially this particular day, when just starting out in an interpersonal skills business, looking across the table at a gentleman who thrives on statistics, analysis, systems and results. He wasn't going to be a client, and he surely wasn't going to refer me to those who needed me, for he didn't value what I had to offer. And at that point, neither did I.

Fortunately I have traveled down the road of understanding for quite some time now, while embarking on the journey of personal value. What a difference that makes when sharing one's message. Not only am I brief and articulate with the value, I no longer am suffering for the "inspiration" in the moment.

I now realize, when I don't know my value, I wait to hear it from others. And when they're at a loss for sharing it, I have nothing more to add.

Why didn't I?

James had just started the second reading when I heard..."You do not have, because you do not ask God."

He may have even noticed I sat up a bit more, leaning forward to listen, yet in the back of my mind came the plea, "Merri, you could have more business, you could do more in helping others feel good about how they communicate, if you'd only ask."

I am a communication coach - helping individuals both in presenting to groups as well as in communicating effectively one on one. Business this summer has been pretty dismal, and while I have continually adjusted my focus to the most pressing market need, there is one thing I haven't done. Turned to God for support. I coach others in business and sales to learn to ask - and this has been my own stumbling block. Quite the contradiction.

For several months we have been attending this church, very pleased with the weekly lessons, the depth of focus and the ease the minister and others have been relating to us. In our previous church back in Toledo, one of the biggest treats was prayer time. All who felt moved to contribute their concern or joy did so. At least it appeared that way from the intensity of participation. And I often shared my struggles, experiencing great relief afterwards.

Yet for some reason I have been stumbling in the Boulevard Presbyterian Church with offering my prayers aloud, especially those about business, which has been the foremost struggle in my mind. I've been restricting my participation purely from selfishness - feeling embarrassed instead of getting out of my own way, asking for prayer support and getting over it.

As the passage states, I haven't asked God, therefore I haven't received. Must I ask in public? Couldn't I simply ask from the silence of my own home, or car or head?These responses seem logical. Especially since there are another 7 days that must pass before I have the chance to ask aloud during the service. Yet it's from the humbling perspective, the one that forces me outside of my comfort zone that I will feel the relief.

I am reminded of what my spirit experiences when I am truly living up to the test: butterflies from either anxiety or excitement. Without the butterflies I am not taking the test. So now I have seven days to practice - from home and with those whom I am meeting. Ask, and you shall receive.

James 4:2 You do not have, because you do not ask God.

Embracing Beliefs

Tareek Saab, the author of Gut Check, says when he embraced his beliefs he "became more ethical, truthful, helpful, courteous, likeable, responsible and rational."
Before that, he was materialistic, driven, on the way up in the corporate environment, focused and haughty.

His turning point came as a result of a combination of events: sitting in a philosophy class and hearing the difference between happiness and pleasure, living in the corporate world and suddenly identifying with being "dead" vs. being "alive", and feeling the pull of his Catholic upbringing. To add meaning to his life meant to become the type of husband and father his family would be proud of, BEFORE he even met the woman of his dreams.


What does it take to embrace beliefs?


My contention is, we must have something worth living for. When that happens, we then embrace our beliefs as a way to overcome the barriers that hold us back from our purpose.


Paying attention to what truly resonates in us is key. My pastor Steve Smith told me several years ago, "Merri, pay attention to what makes you cry." From that directive I began seeing what is valuable to me. Although many people cry from sorrow, from pain as well as from discomfort, I have begun learning that what most often makes me cry is when someone is in need and others don't recognize it.

And maybe I was the other person. Or maybe I could have done something to inform others on how to be of assistance.


Embracing my belief in the power of the divine, the power of community, the power of compassion overcoming pain all helps me break down the barriers of resistance. Many days I forget the divine element, thinking I am solely responsible for my own success. That keeps me from allowing others - community - to show up. Yet it even more limits the big picture - the divine intervention.

Embracing my beliefs in total helps me to become patient, focused, calm. What a relief from daily activity to have these results! And when embracing my beliefs, I work harder, driven by focus and resolve.

Directions I've taken

While finishing the book, Gut Check, I started playing the movies of my own life, rating them against my ultimate destination - loving without condition.

For a great number of years I took the path of Escape. This path is one I chose from obvious lack of courage. When confronted, when challenged, when given the chance to stand up and be recognized, my Escape route gave me temporary safety. My childhood years, teen years, and even my early adult years I took the path of least resistance.

Tarek Saab, author of Gut Check, quoted Chesterton by saying, "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it."

When on the Escape route, I must have been dead.

Although I didn't articulate it that way, I came to the point when living made more sense. The voice within constantly revealed itself, and because it had stayed within that unopened spigot for years, what came out was full of rust.

The new path I took was lined with Aggression. From escape to aggression - pretty natural, especially when considering our human instinct when challenged: fight or flight. I was crying out in defense of self when nobody understood me. I was crying out in judgment of others, when they just didn't get the truth of their impact. While I was crying out, few listened.

Fortunately, or maybe I should say, God-willing, I have survived each of those two deep-rutted directions. Breaking down their barriers, so to speak, while defining a new direction. Some call it balance. Others higher ground. For me, the direction is one of Calm.

And not because of being safe or free or isolated from challenge. The calm comes from stepping away from the emotional plea to fight or flee. It comes from giving up the control of emotion. From relaxing into the moment. From seeking understanding.

This direction has huge benefits to me. It keeps me from having to know all the answers, from assuming the need to be viewed a certain way, from responding to emotional triggers.

And when I consider my ultimate goal - loving unconditionally - you well may see there is only one direction, one path which can lead there. When I'm experiencing calm, I feel complete. Within that frame of mind I love unconditionally. Within the other frames of mind my emotions are too charged with guilt, fear, concern, anger, frustration that loving unconditionally is a thing of the past.

So now I contemplate, how do I keep this direction going?
Send your ideas...

Reflections from my research

I go with my gut when selecting books to read, so the one I'm now reading didn't come as a surprise. In selecting it, I assumed much of the content would contribute to my coaching effectiveness. While reading Tarek Saab's book, Gut Check, a book about Saab's transformative years as a young adult, I began reflecting on what I want to be known for:

I want to be present to those around me.
Currently, this happens sometimes. When I am enjoying, learning from, and engaged in someone's company, this is effortless. Otherwise, I must manage my desire to control where the conversation is going. When I focus on seeing myself in the eyes of others, this gets easier.

I want to be respectful of individuals. There is spirit and purpose which seeks to be identified within each of us. Unfortunately, the world distracts our focus from this in ourselves, motivating us to be distracted in seeing this in others.

I want to be accessible to those who need me and to those I need. Although I am an introvert, by contrast, I need others. And I know people need me. It's my goal to get out there in ways for accessibility to work.

If you would, reflect on what you want to be known for. Then, please, share.